The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The Serpent of Space, Part 4

“You’re persistent, thing from Erf,” Serperior nodded, his deadly beams continuing to track Lincoln down. “I’ll give you that, you’re persistent. But we both know there’s only one way this can end.”

“If it’s with my foot in your face, then we agree,” said Abe, desperately trying to stay one step ahead of the space snake’s attack.

“Oh, so full of confidence, so ready with the quips. We’ll see who’s laughing when you end up cold and numb, floating forever in the endless eternity of-“

But Serperior’s comments were cut off by a generous portion of foot to the face. Yes, Lincoln had counted on the serpent getting so caught up in releasing eye beams, that he wouldn’t actually be able to see him getting ever closer to his face between each one. With the snake off guard, Abe lashed out a torrent of blows and kicks on his adversary. And not a torrent like the thing you might download from the internet. Something much more deadly.

Eventuall Serperior managed to regain composure. “I suppose you think you’re clever,” he retorted. “Well, it may surprise you to learn that I’ve been holding back all this time.”

“You’re right, that does surprise me,” Abe admitted. “You mean you’re not really a pathetic garden snake with light up eyes after all?”

“Scoff all you like, but we’ll see who’s scoffing when you face my full power! And it will be me! Scoffing you up!”

Serperior sent out another beam from his eyes, but this one was much different. It was thicker, meaner and much more difficult to evade. Lincoln couldn’t stop himself from being hit full blast by the insidious beam.

“You might as well give up now, tiny morsel!” Serperior cackled. “I’ve never met a foe yet who can survive a full onslaught from my Rays of Justice.”

“Well I’ve never met a foe who can stand up to my fists of justice!” Lincoln replied, summoning all of his Lincoln powers into his fist. He socked away at the ray, forcing his way closer towards his foe, ready to finish him off once and for all. It was only when he was inches away from delivering the greatest blow in his career, that it dawned on him what Serperior had said. From the look on his face, and the fact that he’d stopped with the eye rays, it seemed Serperior had realised it too.

“Wait, did you say—“

“Rays”/”Fists”

“Of Justice?” they said together.

The two opponents looked at each other for a long time, until Serperior covered his head with his tail.

“Oh my Zarblox,” he muttered. “This is so embarrassing.”

“You mean to say that you too fight on the side of right?” Lincoln asked.

“Yes indeed. I’m known as the greatest hero of my sector of the galaxy. And you?”

“I’m the defender of my planet,” said Abe. “And it appears I’ve made a grievous mistake.”

“Oh no, all my fault I assure you,” Serperior held out his tail in friendship. “I am so sorry about this. It’s just, I’ve been trapped in a rock for so long, and I have all these unresolved anger issues, and you were making all these demands…rightfully so, I hasten to add.”

“No no, I was wrong to be so argumentative. I shouldn’t have let my ego get the better of me. But tell me sir, how did you come to be trapped in that rock in the first place?”

And so Serperior told Lincoln of how, many space miles from here, he had been engaged in a fight with the terrible Tyrazix Twins, those well known hooligans of space. After a long and arduous battle, he’d been ambushed by his arch-enemy Snakosis, who had taken advantage of his weary state to trap him inside a prison of space debris, which had been launched out of a giant cannon towards the outer reaches of space. It was quite a good story that loses a lot in the retelling, but rest assured, if you had been there to hear it, you would have been impressed.

“And it seems I have you to thank for releasing me. What’s your name, brave fighter from Erf?”

“My name is Abraham Lincoln, Mr. Serperior, and if you would indulge me, I’d like to make up for this little transgression by buying you a drink.”

“Ah, if I only had time,” Serperior smiled. “But I have already dallied too long in this unfortunate squabble. I must make my way back to my people as fast as possible, and make sure that Snakosis has not done too much damage. Perhaps another time, my worthy opponent.”

“Count on it, friend. And if you need any help against this Snakosis fellow, you know where to find me.”

Thank you, Abraham Lincoln. I would be honoured. And now, I must bid you farewell.”

With one last wave of his tail, Serperior shot like a rocket back to his home planet. Lincoln have him a salute before setting off back to Earth.

“Come in Lincoln, come in Lincoln,” said the voice of the Commissioner as Abe tore through the atmosphere. “What happened up there? Did you stop the meteor?”

“Oh yes indeed, old chum,” said Lincoln. “And I may have just made me a new friend while I was at it.”

“Aww, that’s really nice. I’m glad to hear it. Oh, uh, Lincoln? Would you mind holding the watch away from your chest? The view’s kinda…uncomfortable.”

“Ah yes, that reminds me Commissioner,” said Abe with a frown. “I think you and I need to have a talk about the proper dress code for combat.”

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The Serpent of Space, Part 3

With a might crash that no doubt would have reverberated throughout space, were it possible for sound to do such a thing in a vacuum, the mighty titans collided fist to fang. The resultant force was enough to cast the warriors back the way they came, but in short order they repeated their attack, and again, and again, neither side wanting to back down first.

When it was obvious that they were getting nowhere, Lincoln tried using his fantastic feet to shatter Serperior’s tooth. While it did make an impact, it wasn’t enough to distract the snake of the stars from slamming his face right into Abe’s body. Recoiling quickly, he launched a haymaker at his opponent’s eye, only for Serperior to quickly dodge and lash at Lincoln with his tail. As quick as he was, however, the sheer length that needed to be shifted meant Abe was easily ready to grab the tail and give it a nice big squeeze.

Serperior, though clearly in pain, wasn’t going to be let up by this lack of judgement on his part. With surprising speed, he flicked his colossal tail, sending Lincoln flying towards the gaping jaws of the giant beast. Abe wasn’t going to become a snake’s dinner though, quickly charging away from those aforementioned jaws, causing Serperior to miss out on a tasty Lincoln sausage.

Abe used this break in the action to think about the struggle. He felt he had the upper hand in strength; the space serpent had only recently been revived from who-knows-how-many years inside a large rock, and no doubt would take a while to reach his full strength. However, Serperior seemed to handle space combat a lot easier than our presidential protagonist, and it was only a matter of time before this inexperience lost him the battle.

“Well played, little morsel,” Serperior hissed in his smug way. “But you didn’t count on my laser eye beams!”

That was very true. He hadn’t counted on his laser eye beams, which even now were burning into his leg. Master tactician that Lincoln is, he realised that this was not a brilliant move, and flew out of the way as fast as he could.

First blood went to Serperior, it seemed. There was no point dwelling on that though. He’d have to find a way to counteract those eye beams. If only he’d brought Stovey-that loveable hat was more durable that it looked, and could easily have shielded him from the deadly lasers. But no, the Commissioner had to have insisted on hurrying it up. Abe made a mental note to give his chum a stern lecture on the importance of dress sense.

He could feel his leg becoming numb as he tried valiantly to stay away from the path of those revolting rays. There was only thing for it. He would have to make sure the match ended quickly, before the snake could tag the rest of him. And not tag as in a tag team, or as in something you put on a present so you can work out who it’s from. Tag as in catch, and not the game. Catch as in hit, and not like when you tell the dealer to…the long and short of it is, he didn’t want to get eye beamed to death.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The Serpent of Space, Part 2

Lincoln gazed in astonishment as the large silver serpent writhed and twisted its body, becoming visibly looser as it did so. With each turn, it stretched itself out further and further, expanding foot by foot as it began to reassert control of itself.

“Is this to be the only witness to my return?” it asked, not in the large, booming voice Lincoln was expecting, but in a low, calm, almost-British tone. “After the many years of imprisonment, only this small creature is present for my emergence from that wretched rock? How disappointing. How very disappointing.”

Abe wasn’t sure what was happening, but he readied his fists just in case.

“You may speak, tiny one,” the creature continued. “My mighty powers will allow for telepathic communication. I shall be able to hear your every word, as you will hear mine.”

“Who…or what are you?” Lincoln asked the strange, snake-like creature. It slithered around until it came face to face with him.

“Where am I, little creature?” it asked.

“I asked you first,” Abe stood his ground, which is hard to do when you’re in space. “Who are you, and what do you mean by charging at Earth in that icy missile?”

“’Erf’?” the space snake put the tip of its tail to its face, in an almost quizzical manner. “I have never heard of this ‘Erf’. I must be far out from my home. You, little thing! Tell me the way to Erxkijag.”

“One second there, Mr. Snake,” Lincoln frowned, getting rather annoyed at being treated in such a manner. “You waltz your way over to our planet in your meteor and nearly destroy us all, and then you have the gall to start making demands of me? I don’t know what kind of uncivilised planet you come from sir, but where I’m from, we have a little word called ‘please’.”

“How dare you, you impudent little ion?” the space snake arched its back. “Do you know with whom you’re speaking to?”

“I would know, if you’d have the common courtesy to answer my question. Now who are you, and what do you mean by nearly ramming into good old Mother Earth?”

“My name is Serperior!” the cosmic reptile announced, doing a little twist as if to make a bigger deal out of it. “And I have no quarrel with you or your planet-sized mother, unless you would wish to make an enemy of me by continuing your disrespectful ways!”

Lincoln tried to regain his composure. “Rest assured sir, I am not by nature a man to start an argument. But I must declare your brash and abrasive nature to be rubbing against my very last nerve. Now I ask again, state your reasons for coming to this part of the universe, or I shall be forced to lose my temper.”

“Oooh, I’m so scared,” Serperior mockingly made his slithery self shiver. “The little particle thing is threatening me. Oh no, whatever shall I do? Perhaps he’ll hit me with his tiny fist and give me a little bruise. Oh, however will I survive the onslaught? Maybe his big blue and green mother will come and give me a telling off. Oooh, I’m shaking all oveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.”

The elongated word in that sentence was due to the cosmic chordate being on the business end of an All-American punch, courtesy of Abraham Lincoln’s fist of justice, which propelled it backwards through the vacuum of space.

“How’s that for a tiny bruise?” Abe smirked.

The serpent reared its head and burrowed its gaze into Lincoln’s face. “You’re more powerful than you appear, little one. But no one who faces Serperior gets lucky twice.”

“Now listen up, you silver menace,” Abe raised a finger at Serperior (No, not the middle one. He does have some class, you know). “You come here to my home, nearly destroy it in the process, start making fun of my size, don’t even have the decency to offer an apology, crack wise about my planet and then think you can mock me?”

Lincoln cracked his knuckles. “I don’t think so.”

“You really think you can battle one who has taken on the Star Warriors of Vegon, and thrashed them one by one?” Serperior made a motion that looked like he was raising an eyebrow, but being as he didn’t have any, it was hard to tell.

Lincoln laughed. “I don’t know about any star warriors, but I once had to take on a whole island of snakes whilst tracking down Confederate steambots during a secret mission in 1863. Let’s just say I’m familiar with beating up serpents.”

“Very well,” Serperior nodded. “I gave you fair warning, but it appears I must teach you a lesson.”

“Then maybe I’ll have to teach you a greater lesson,” Abe retorted.

“Ah, but your lesson will just be an addendum to my greater lesson plan.”

“Well perhaps your lesson plan will just be a small part of my syllabus.”

“Maybe so, or maybe your syllabus will…um…will be a…a…”

“You can’t think of anything, can you?”

“Shut up, yes I can!”

“Then what will my syllabus be?”

“It will be…a…a…” Serperior sighed. “You’re right, I can’t think of anything. But you know what I can think of? Your death!”

Abe sneered. “As I once heard General Grant say to Admiral Porter during a particularly harsh game of Cabinet Backgammon, ‘you mess with Abraham Lincoln, you in for a world of hurt’.

Without any more words, the two lunged at each other. The fight had begun.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The Serpent of Space

Abraham Lincoln was maxing and relaxing in his new Log Cabin of Solitude, whiling away the time before his next awesome adventure. His recently-installed hot tub was certainly helping him to take it easy, the bubbles gently loosening up his ripped, manly body. As he sank deeper into the tub, he turned over to feel his thick abdominal muscles getting massaged by the bubbling water. I threw that in so the female readers could have something nice to think about tonight. You’re welcome, ladies.

Before Abe could move down to his pectoral muscles (you’re welcome for that too), the shrill sound of the signal watch screeched from the side of the tub. With a hefty sigh, Lincoln reached out and grabbed the offending timepiece.

“What’s the trouble, Commissioner?” he asked.

“Oh, nothing too major Lincoln,” said the Commissioner. “At least, not for a man of your talents. Only it appears a giant meteor is headed straight for the Earth. If you could just punch it out of the way for us, it would be a big help.”

“Happy to oblige, Comissioner. Let me just get dressed and I’ll get right on it.”

“Sure, sure…although do you really need to get dressed? It’s not like anyone can see you, after all. No one’s going to be looking at you in space, are they?”

“I’d rather not take that risk, old chum,” said Abe, pulling himself out of the tub. “Besides, it’s pretty chilly out in space, you know. You don’t want me to catch a cold, do you? In fact, I think I’d better put on a scarf, or some gloves maybe, just in case.”

“Oh, well obviously your health is very important to me Lincoln,” the Commissioner explained. “Very much so. Only, it really is a very big meteor, twice the size of the Moon in fact, and it’s heading for us rather rapidly. So if you could shake a leg a little bit, maybe just go tackle it right now, that would really help us out.”

“I understand, Commissioner,” Abe reassured his old friend, slipping on his boxer shorts. “No scarf or gloves. I’ll just get my suit on and be on my way.”

“…Yeah, again, if it’s not too much trouble, perhaps you could dispense with putting the whole suit on, just to speed things along, for it is, and I feel this needs reiterating, a really big meteor travelling really fast.”

“Of course, I get you. No bow tie then,” Lincoln put his trousers on.

“Definitely no bow tie. I’m so glad you understand me. And perhaps, if it’s not too much to ask, no jacket, no waistcoat, and perhaps no shirt. Or shoes and socks. Pretty much how you are now, in fact, would be perfect.”

Lincoln sighed. “Oh, very well. But if I come down with a case of the sniffles, I’m going to take as many sick days as I’m allowed to get over it.”

“That seems fair. And again, greatly appreciated. Thank you.”

But the Commissioner’s words were wasted, as Abe had already flown up through the (thankfully) open skylight into the stars above, leaving the signal watch many thousands of miles below.

Once he’d reached a safe distance from Earth, to avoid any meteorites destroying hydroelectric dams or the like, Lincoln stood waiting for the giant meteor. It turned out the Commissioner had been exaggerating somewhat. The meteor was at most 1 and a half times as big as the Moon, and to describe its progress as rather rapid was overselling it a bit. ‘Pretty quickly’ would have been much more accurate.

Still, this just meant it would be easier to get rid of. As the meteor got closer and closer to our hero, Abe wound up his fist ready to lay into the icy rock. Closer it came…closer…closer…

KA-SHAMOOCH!

That, for those who don’t recognise it, is the sound of a meteor exploding upon coming into contact with a fist of justice. It is an overwhelming sound, to say the least.

Still, that took care of that. Pieces of the meteor flew everywhere, finding their path to nearby planets as they became nothing more than common meteorites. Another fine job well done, thought Lincoln, as obviously there was no way to talk to himself in the vacuum of space. Now to head back to that hot tub.

But before Lincoln could get away, he noticed something strange about the meteor. Although the majority of it had broken off, there was still a large collection of rock floating in front of him, in a strange oval shape. As he observed it, the rock slowly cracked open to reveal…well, Abe wasn’t sure what it was. A long, silver, fanged serpentine form came out of the newly-cracked meteor, slinking its way into a spiral shape before his very eyes. It opened its wide reptilian eyes and seemingly surveyed its surroundings, before finally it opened its mouth.

“I…am…free!”

Well folks, our hero doesn’t often make mistakes, but even I have to say that this was one big old folly he just took part in. Or, to put it another way, we do be screwed!