The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 5

Lincoln had spared no expense when building the log cabin. Sporting a fully solar powered heating and electricity system, this environmentally friendly (except, you know, for all those trees that were cut down to make it) habitat was full of the latest modern conveniences he had been reading up on, such as washing machines, power showers and a plasma screen TV. He hadn’t even known plasma could be used in TVs! The future was incredible.

“Alright boys, I’m going to go test out the recliner chairs,” said Abe. “You give me a few minutes to relax, then give me the biggest scare of your life! OK?”

“No man,” said Gary. “Shouldn’t we give the biggest scare of your life? I mean, you’re the one that has to be scared.”

“Yeah, I mean, it’s no good us getting scared,” Doug agreed. “We’re the ones that have to do the scaring.”

Lincoln sighed. “Fine, whatever. Just give me a few minutes and then scare the living daylights out of me, alright?”

“Ok, Mr. Bearded Dude!” said the Terror Twins. Probably not at the same time. That would require a lot of coordination.

Lincoln inspected the inside of the cabin, which more than lived up to his expectations. He’d gone for a one room affair, just like in his youth, but the large amount of space allowed him to set up everything in its own little place. Living area, kitchen area, sleeping area…all the domestic areas were covered.

He sat down on the rich, Corinthian leather recliner he’d picked up at an antique sale on the way back to Antarctica. It felt pretty nice, though perhaps was a bit much. After all, while he’d made a lot of effort to ensure that the boys’ scare attempt would be as authentic as possible, it wasn’t as if the house had any practical value beyond that. Not many people wanted a house in the middle of Antarctica.

Lost in his thoughts as Lincoln was, he at first didn’t notice the ectoplasmic goo appearing on the wall in front of him. Once the terrible smell of brimstone reached his nostrils though, he realised the boys were ready to scare him. Nonchalantly he whistled to himself, trying to act as if he hadn’t seen anything.

“Wooooooo!” came Gary’s spooky voice, echoing throughout the cabin.

“Woooooo!” came Doug’s voice, which had improved significantly since his earlier attempts.

“Oh dear, what could that be?” asked Abe innocently. “Could those ghostly moanings give me any cause for alarm?”

“You bet they could!”

“In fact they should!”

“For terror, you see…”

“Is now upon thee!”

“Get ready to run.”

“Get ready to fear.”

“Because your doom—“

“Is finally here!”

Abe nodded in appreciation of their rhyming skills. It was too bad these boys were so hell-bent on being spooky ghosts. They would have done quite well on the poetry circuit.

“Oh no, what’s a-happening? Who are you vile demons who plague me so?” he said in a voice that he hoped sounded terrified.

“I am…Spectre Overlord!”

“And I am…the Grim Darkness.”

“The ghastly sensations, sweeping the nations!”

“Known and feared by mortal men as…”

THE TERROR TWINS!

Now that was a nice touch. The log fire had even been blown out by the ghostly emanations.

“Oh dear, not the Terror Twins!” he gasped. “Oh my stars! I am on the edge of sanity! I certainly hope they don’t do one big scare to frighten me out my wits.”

There was nothing for a while, and then…

“BOOOO!”

Doug and Gary appeared in front of Lincoln, waving their hands around, looking about as scary as a fish in a cat factory. Abe could hardly believe it. All that build up for this? This act of jellyfish-like wiggling? But enough was enough. He wasn’t willing to give them a second attempt.

“Egad! Oh, what a horrible shock! My wits have left me! My heart is pounding! Oh, I am so scared I think I shall go into a coma! Farewell!”

And with that fine bit of acting, he pretended to lose consciousness.

“We did it! We did it!” Doug clapped.

“We really did!” Gary shouted in triumph. “This is the start of a whole new chapter for the Terror Twins!”

“Bye beard dude!” Dig waved respectfully. “We have to go get our great reward now.”

“Yeah, sorry we scared you so badly,” Gary nodded. “But hey, you are on righteous dude.”

A bright light surrounded the creepy kids as, with one last high five, they went on to receive their reward.

When he was quite sure the coast was clear, Lincoln opened his eyes and took a look around the new ghost-free domicile. Well, Antarctica was once again safe from spectres, and all the penguins could relax and eat fish in peace. Now all that was left to do was tear down this unnecessary house.

And yet…as Lincoln saw the fruits of his labours, and compared it to the broom cupboard he had waiting for him at WIPE headquarters, he came to a conclusion that many of us have already realised—sleeping in a broom cupboard is a terrible idea!

He quickly pressed a button on his signal watch. “Come in, Commissioner. Come in, Commissioner.”

“Reading you loud and clear, Lincoln,” came the baritone voice of the Commissioner. “How’s that mission coming along?”

“Mission complete, old chum. The penguins can sleep safe once more. Oh, and I have more good news. I think I may have found a new place to live.”

And now my friends, you know the origin of the Log Cabin of Solitude. So let no one say you didn’t accomplish something spectacular today.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 4

A short time later, the two ghosts were sitting on piles of ice, that being the only material available to make furniture from. It’s not very recommendable to make your furniture from ice. I would advise using leather and wood, if they are available.

“So where do you think that bearded guy went to, Gary?” asked Doug.

“I dunno, man. One minute he’s all, ‘I think I can help you out’, then he’s all like, whoosh! Gotta tell you, if this is his idea of helping, it’s not a very good idea.”

“Yeah, like, he needs to look in a dictionary and find out what it actually means,” Doug nodded. “Unless his dictionary is broken.”

“Don’t be an idiot, Doug,” Gary scoffed. “How can a dictionary be broken? Oh, unless it’s like an electric dictionary, I guess.”

“Dude, can you get electric dictionaries?”

“I dunno. I guess. I mean, pretty much everything is electric these days.”

“Not true, man!” Doug pointed out. “You can’t get electric ghosts.”

“Dude, that’s a sweet idea!” Gary grinned. “If we were electric ghosts, we’d totally get some respect in the ghost world. We’d be haunting castles and stalking people in no time!”

“Yeah!” Doug chimed in. “Oh, but wait, we don’t have any electricity. How are we gonna get electric?”

“True. Aw man, I wish we had some electricity. Then we could be finally show those stuffy old steam powered ghosts what the score is,” Gary smacked his fist.

“Are ghosts made out of steam, dude?”

“Yeah, maybe. I dunno. But still, if only we had some electricity.”

“You won’t have to wait much longer, my youthful wraith friend,” said a friendly voice from above. The ghosts looked up to see Abraham Lincoln floating above them, carrying a large burlap sack.

“Hey man, where’ve you been?” asked Gary.

Abe apologised for the long delay, and explained where he’d been.

“Let me explain where I’ve been,” he said (See? Told you!). “You see, it seems the me the most obvious way to get you two on your way to the great beyond, is to let you haunt me in a residential setting. That way you’ll be able to prove yourselves as ghosts and stop bothering my penguin friends.

Unfortunately though, I’m sort of between houses at the moment. I briefly considered taking back the White House, but that doesn’t seem very fair to the current President. Fortunately for you, back when I was your age, or possibly younger, I had a bit of experience building houses. You had to back then you see, on account of the fact that you never knew when your property title was going to become faulty. Problem is, I’m a log cabin guy myself, and there aren’t any trees or heck, any kind of vegetation in these parts. So I had to go find myself some logs.”

We interrupt this narrative to point out that foam is also an important part of furniture. You may continue now.

“That’s a great story, dude-in-a-suit,” said Doug. “But what’s in the big bag?”

“Oh come now child, surely you’re not as dumb as you look.”

Lincoln emptied out the contents of the bag onto the icy ground below. A generator, solar cells, some plumbing devices, a central heating system, a fancy-looking coffee maker, and lots and lots of logs. Like, seriously, you wouldn’t believe how many logs came out of that bag. Frankly I think it stretches belief.

“Ohhh,” said Gary, who was undoubtedly the smarter of the two. “So you’re gonna build a new house for us to haunt! Thanks, dude!”

“No problem, son. Now just give me some time to get everything up and running,” Abe cracked his knuckles.

“How long do you think it’ll take?” Gary asked.

“Hmm, well let’s see now. Fortunately building a cabin is like riding a bicycle, you never really lose the knack. Mind you, it used to take a fair bit of time back in the day, and I have to admit I’m a little rusty at it. But with these new Lincoln powers of mine…I’d say…”

Lincoln dashed towards the logs and quickly set to work, a sonic boom showing just how fast he was going (faster than sound, for those who failed physics). It looked like there were multiple Lincolns all working on the cabin, as the pile of logs decreased ever more by the second. In time, the boiler, radiators, generator, solar cells, and all the other accoutrements Abe had gathered seemingly disappeared, though really they were just being installed in the house. Finally, the blur that was Lincoln slowed down to admire his handiwork, a mansion of a log cabin with all the trimmings.

“One minute 36 seconds,” he finished, smiling.

“Hey, I’m not dumb,” said Doug, thus proving a point.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 3

Before Lincoln appeared two slightly transparent, slightly pale-looking youths. One was tall and gangly, wearing a backwards baseball cap and what appeared to be a basketball jersey that was several sizes too large. The other was short and stocky, with little tufts of what could be considered a beard emerging from his chin. Although Lincoln had never actually seen them before, he knew straight away what they had to be.

“Why, you’re nothing but a pair of teenagers!”

“Hey, back off man!” the taller one made a rude gesture. “We’re not teenagers. We’re hundreds of years old!”

“Yeah,” the shorter one nodded. “We’re probably older than you, old man!”

“I seriously doubt that,” Lincoln snorted. “I’m a 19^th Century man myself, and I don’t think those fashions were around before my time.”

“Hey man, just because we’re dead doesn’t mean we don’t keep up with fashion,” the taller one showed off his jersey proudly.

“You tell him Gary!” the shorter one motioned for a high five.

“Dude, what did I tell you? No real names during a haunting!”

“Oh, sorry bro.”

“Dude, don’t say bro! You’re gonna ruin our street cred here. You can’t be a scary spook spectacular with names like Gary and Doug, and you can’t be an abominable apparition if you use words like ‘bro’!”

“Pardon me,” Lincoln interrupted. “But surely if you want street cred, you’d be better off finding it in a street. Not the middle of an icy wasteland.”

“I think he’s got us there, bro,” said the fatter one.

 “Shut up! No way has he got us! Who does he think he is,  all up on getting street cred anyway? Mr. 19^th Century over here, with your long coat and your tall hat. What do you know about anything? How dare you try to nark our haunting jam? Well you’re gonna regret messing with us!”

“Ooh, is it time for our number?”

“Yeah man, just like we rehearsed it.”

The two ghosts performed some fake-looking karate moves for Lincoln’s bemusement.

“I am…Spectre Overlord!”

“And I am…the Grim Darkness.”

“The ghastly sensations, sweeping the nations!”

“Known and feared by mortal men as…”

The ghosts finished back to back, lips pouting, arms crossed in a manner that would possible be referred to as ‘streetwise’.

“The Terror Twins!”

They held the pose for a while, clearly waiting for Lincoln’s approval.

“Well…” he tried to think of a tactful way to reveal his thoughts. “It’s not the worst performance I’ve ever seen. I mean, I once had the displeasure of watching Edward Bates cut a rug at my cabinet’s Christmas social. However, I’m afraid I couldn’t recommend it to my friends. The choreography was uninspired, the names feel like you’re trying too hard, you’re not even twins so your gimmick makes no sense, and while I liked the rhyming of sensations and nations, I struggle to believe it given that you’ve limited yourselves to spooking penguins in the middle of nowhere.”

The Terror Twins looked abashed.

“No offense, but he makes some good points Gary…I mean Spectre Overlord, ” said the Grim Darkness, who Abe assumed was really named Doug.

“Aww,” said Gary sadly. “I guess you got a point, man. But it’s really hard to get a good place to haunt these days. All the good spots are taken. Even most of the bad spots!”

“Yeah, all we get is the lame spots, like here,” Doug looked around. “But it’s this or nothing, you know?”

“Then perhaps it’s time to pack in this haunting nonsense, boys,” Lincoln tried to pat their shoulders in a friendly way, his hands passing right through. “Maybe try something more useful, like lumberjacking, or high wire vaulting,” he continued, a little embarrassed at his faux pas.

“But tall bearded dude, we’re ghosts!” Gary argued. “We can’t jack lumber, or vault wires. All we know how to do is scare.”

“Yeah, and if we don’t scare, we’ll never pass over to the other side. Everyone knows a ghost needs to make one successful haunting before they can pass on,” Doug handily provided some exposition for Lincoln.

“That’s as may be, my young ghoulies,” said Abe, in an attempt to sound hip, “But is scaring local penguins really the right way to go about it?”

“What are we supposed to do, hatty man?” Doug asked. “We never get any good places to haunt. We gotta work with what we’ve got.”

“Yeah, all we need is one house, just the chance to occupy one house,” Gary kicked at some ice, a move made even more pathetic by the fact his foot went straight through it and almost caused him to fall over. “Then we’d really be able to show our stuff.”

“Wait just a minute,” a look of brilliance came over Lincoln’s face. “Are you telling me that if you had a house to haunt, you could stop bothering these beautiful birds and pass on to your final reward?”

“You’re on our frequency, dude,” they nodded.

Abe gave a great big smile. “Then I think I can help you out.”

Oh man! I wonder what Lincoln’s going to do. More importantly, I wonder what happened to my sandwich. It was here a minute ago. I think I’m the victim of sandwich theft. Make sure you lock yours in a Tupperware box.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 2

Flying faster than an ordinary person, Abe navigated the friendly skies relatively free of hassle. There was a small incident with a plane full of snake creatures, but that was dealt with quickly and mostly painlessly. There’s a small jungle in Peru that you probably want to stay away from, as it’s now populated by angry, plane-less snake creatures, but it’s unlikely you’re going to find it anyway.

From the frost that was forming on his all-American beard, Lincoln surmised that he had reached Antarctica. Carefully rolling up his sleeve, making sure that the face of the Commissioner wasn’t going to peek out at him, he checked the co-ordinates of these phantom menaces.

A sudden squawk of scaredyness emanated from across the icy plains, and Abe realised he wouldn’t be needing those coordinates after all. Following the terrified bird noises, he levitated his way into the middle of a herd of penguins. That may not be the real collective name for penguins. That’s your homework for today. Go find out what it is, and then pat yourselves for learning some trivial knowledge today.

“What’s the matter, my penguin pals?” Lincoln asked, lowering himself to the ice below.

“Awk awk awwwk!” said a penguin, which made Abe instantly realise his folly.

“I’m sorry, my not-so-feathered friends, I’m afraid I don’t speak your unique tongue. Is there any way you can translate for me?”

“You won’t need translations when we’re done with you,” came a spooky voice. “Because we’re going to scare you out of your wits, and then you won’t be smart enough to appreciate the translation.”

“I think you oversold it, Gary,” said another, not-quite-as-spooky voice.

“Shut up, Doug!” said the spookier voice angrily. “And don’t call me Gary when we’re performing. Now prepare yourself, mortal, for a sight most chilling!”

“I don’t think I need things to be further chilled, thank you,” said Abe, looking around for the source of these voices. “Now show yourselves if you dare, you cowardly custards!”

“Hey man, we’re not custards! I mean, woooooo! Get ready for the eeriest sight anyone has ever seen. Prepare to gaze upon…the pole-tergeists!”

“Do you get it?” said the second, not-really-spooky-at-all voice. “Pole-tergeists. Like poltergeists, but with pole in it, ‘cos we’re at the South Pole.”

“Yes, regrettably I do get it,” Lincoln sighed.

“Oh, it’s just, you didn’t laugh, so I thought maybe you needed it explaining.”

“Yes, thank you, I’m not a total idiot. Are you two going to show yourselves or not?”

“Very well,” said the rather spooky voice. “Gaze upon the otherworldly horror that is…the Pole-tergeists!”

“Still not funny.”

“Hey, shut up! Ok, here we go!”

Man, I hope this is leading somewhere. I’m going to go get a sandwich. I encourage you to do the same.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 1

“Muwahahahaha! I, John Wilkes Booth, will now shoot my giant gun at the entire world!”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!”

“Abraham Lincoln! Oh no, my plans are foiled!”

“You bet they are! Lincoln punch!”

“Oh no, I am the deads!”

“Rest in peace, you sanctimonious southerner.”

“Oh Lincoln, you’re my hero.”

“Ah ha ha! It was nothing, Mary Todd. Now what’s say we take a holiday in Barbados?”

“I’d love to, my powerful president of pectorals. But first I have to give you your reward for being such a great husband, my knight in shining armour.”

“Why Mary…you’re not going to…”

“That’s right, lover. Tonight the whole girdle comes off.”

“Oh Mary!”

“Oh Abey!”

“Oh Mary!”

Abraham Lincoln was rudely awakened from this dream by the sound of a shrill buzzing noise. After giving himself a moment to fully awaken, he looked around to locate the source of the terrible tone. Curiously, it seemed to be emanating from a watch that was by Lincoln’s side. Puzzled, the righteous railsplitter picked up the timepiece and started pushing the buttons that surrounded it.

“Ah, there you are Lincoln,” came a familiar voice, as the head of the Commissioner appeared over the watch’s face. “Glad to see the signal watch is working properly.”

“The…signal watch?” Abe asked, not sure if he was actually still dreaming. If he was, he really didn’t care for this change in direction.

“Yes, you remember. I gave it to you last night.”

“You neglected to tell me it was a signal watch.”

“I did?” the Commissioner frowned.

“Afraid so, old chum. I thought it was just an ordinary watch.”

“I’m pretty sure I told you it was a signal watch.”

“You really didn’t. In fact, you didn’t so much as hint.”

“Oh whatever. The point is, this will allow me to contact you whenever we need you to go on a highly dangerous mission. Or a lowly dangerous mission. Any kind of mission really. It also lets me see you wherever you are, so if you were, say, out shopping for paints and couldn’t decide which shade of orange looked better, I could help out.”

“An unlikely scenario, Commissioner,” said Lincoln, who had always been more interested in cooler colours like blue and purple. “But I’ll be sure to keep it in mind. So, what’s the emergency?”

“Oh, nothing serious. Really I just wanted to test out the watch. Isn’t it neat?”

“It’s pretty nice alright, though I’m not sure I care for the fact you can potentially see me at all times. Also, I wish you hadn’t tested it at 7.30am on a Saturday. I need my rest, you know.”

“Ah, right, sorry about that Lincoln. Also sorry we couldn’t score you some better digs.”

“Eh?”

“Forgive my modern slang, my historic homie. I meant, I’m sorry we couldn’t get you a better place to sleep.”

“Fear not, Commissioner, I’m used to sleeping rough. Compared to my childhood days on the cold, dirt floor of the family cabin, the broom cupboard on the 5^th floor is a palace.”

“Yes, the 5^th Floor Storage Facility for Dynamic Sanitation Tools is especially roomy, isn’t it? We’ll have to find you somewhere better soon though.”

“Oh believe me, this will be fine.”

“Lincoln, it’s a broom cupboard. You deserve better.”

“No need to make a fuss, I can manage.”

“You don’t even have a bed Lincoln, you’re sleeping on a pile of mops.”

“It’s surprisingly comfortable. I even fashioned a makeshift blanket out of these old lemon wipes. Now I sleep to the great smell of old citrus.”

“Oh, speaking of blankets, I just remembered! I do in fact have a mission for you,” the Commissioner beamed.

“Fantastic, though I hope it’s not having to go against an army of sentient blankets or anything like that.”

“Nothing so fanciful, Lincoln. It’s actually a mission to investigate and take out a gaggle of ghosts in Antarctica.”

“…And why did blankets remind you of ghosts, Commissioner?” Lincoln raised an eyebrow.

“Well you know, ghosts. Like a kid cutting two holes in a blanket and being a ghost for Halloween.”

“As I recall friend, you were supposed to do that with sheets, not blankets.”

“Really? Fascinating. No wonder my mother always gave me grief in November. Well in any event, we’ve had reports that a bunch of no good ghosts have been scaring residents of the Antarctic region. Get over there and see what all the fuss is about.”

“I’m on it Commissioner, just give me a bit of time to get ready. By the way, how many people actually live in the Antarctic? It doesn’t seem the most hospitable of places.”

“Actually, you’re right. No humans live there, it’s quite the place of solitude. But we have some penguins on our payroll in case anything ever goes on down there, and it appears we’ve hit paydirt.”

Lincoln shook his head disbelievingly. It never ceased to amaze him how prepared WIPE was in the battle against evil. “Very good, Commissioner, I’ll be there once I’m fully dressed. Lincoln out.”

Lincoln pushed a button on the watch, then started to put on his work clothes. Which were also his play clothes, because he had in fact only been given one outfit since returning to the living. Next time he had chance, he would have to consult a tailor.

“Oh darn,” the gangly crusader mildly cursed as he finished buttoning up. “I should have asked the Commissioner whereabouts in the Antarctic I’d need to go.”

“Don’t worry Lincoln, I’ve uploaded the coordinates to your watch,” said the timepiece.

“Commissioner? You’re still there?”

“You didn’t actually turn off the watch, pal. I’ve been here watching the whole time you were getting dressed.”

There was a very awkward pause.

“I think I’m going to go now, Commissioner.”

“That would be for the best. Over and out.”

The screen reverted back to an ordinary clock face. Still, Lincoln made sure to cover the watch with his sleeve as he set off towards Antarctica.