The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.7

Back on Earth, the Commissioner stood on top of WIPE headquarters, gazing into the sky. It had been almost 30 minutes since the building next door had set off towards the Moon, and still no sign of Lincoln’s safe return. It was beginning to look like…he wasn’t going to come back.

The Commissioner allowed himself a single tear for his new friend’s demise. He’d make sure that the hero would receive a good funeral. One with a massive hearse tour, open coffin in state, plenty of mourners. The full works. On second thought, perhaps not an open coffin. It wouldn’t be as effective without a body inside. He didn’t imagine quite as many people would want to see it.

“Poor Lincoln,” he sighed, shaking his head. He’d give his right arm, his fancy car…hell, even his precious pipe, just to find out if the stove-pipe-hatted saviour was alive. But sadly, it didn’t look like anything was going to show up in that clear blue sky. Just the Sun, and an albatross, and a small, building-like object getting steadily larger…

Wait a second…something wasn’t right here. Why would an albatross be out here in the desert? It must be very lost. Wait! Something even more out of place! A building come down from the sky! It could only be…

“Lincoln!”

Yes, the juggernaut of justice himself, Abraham Lincoln, was pushing the entire 24 stories of the 3dIM back down to terra firma. The Commissioner clapped and cheered as the President of Power placed the Moon transporter back in its original place.

“Ahoy, Commissioner!” Abe waved from the sky above.

“Ahoy, Lincoln!” the Commissioner waved back. “But how is this possible? I thought your Lincoln powers were gone.”

“Not gone, my friend. Only temporarily inactive. But now they’re back, and better than ever. Also they help me breathe in space, which is pretty neat.”

“Yes, yes it is. But where’s Booth?”

“Got away, I’m afraid. Would have stopped him, if it weren’t for a bullet in my chest. But don’t worry, I managed to stop his evil plan. Oh, speaking of which, I’ve got a little present for you!”

With that, he flew back into the 3dIM and emerged with a figure the Commissioner didn’t quite recognise at first. It appeared to be just your ordinary young man with a steel face. Was this really the best Lincoln could get as a present? He’d have preferred some tobacco, or at least some socks. Then, as Lincoln popped the lifeless body onto the roof, he recognised who it really was.

“Dynamite?! How did he get in there?”

“It turned out Booth was playing him like a sucker, old chum,” Abe explained. “Had him convinced that I was an enemy of all things good and right in this world. Like freedom, happiness and a damn good cheesecake. He almost landed a punch on me, and by ‘almost’ I’m being extremely generous.”

“Well he won’t be making an ass of himself where he’s going,” the Commissioner pulled his pistol from his holster, and aimed it at Dynamite’s shiny head.

“Wait, Commissioner!” Lincoln grabbed hold of the gun. “Despite being a complete ninny, he was only trying to do the right thing. We can’t kill him for that.”

“Hmm…” the Commissioner deliberated for a long, long time. “Oh, fine,” he said at last, reluctantly putting his piece away. “But my first act as the new commanding officer of WIPE is to fire this idiot immediately.”

“Congratulations on the promotion,” Lincoln smiled.

“Well, after the Director was revealed to be a fraud, the top brass needed someone to fill in. And as the most experienced candidate, not to mention the best looking, I guess I’ll have to do. ‘Course, with Booth still on the loose, and that demonic council he was always going on about hanging around out there somewhere, I’m going to have my work cut out for me.”

“Yes, but you won’t be alone, pal,” Abe held out his hand. “Consider me your number one agent…and partner.”

“I’m happily married, Lincoln.”

“I meant work partner.”

“Of course you did. Thank…partner.”

As the two comrades shook hands, Abe reflected on his thoughts from earlier. Yes, his old life had been a good one. And he had accomplished much already. But here was a chance to help out his country…his world in ways he’d never been able to before. And he wasn’t about to let the people down. Wherever there was struggle against tyranny, wherever freedom was being oppressed, wherever strange events were happening that needed the righteous fists of justice to sort out, the world would find its champion ready to take the call. It would always be able to depend on its hero…Abraham Lincoln

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.6

So this was it. The end of Lincoln. Doomed to crash into the Moon, while the villains rode off into the sunset. Metaphorically, of course. There wasn’t really a sunset on the Moon.

Lincoln crawled towards the viewing screen, the building now so close that he could make out craters. As deaths went, this wasn’t so bad. Better than dirtying a theatre box. In fact, there was a certain dignity to it all, in a way. To die trying to stop the forces of evil. It was a death that would certainly be remembered. Every time kids looked at the large hole in the Moon, they’d say “That was Abe that helped make that”, before their cruel new masters put them back to work in their tin mines. It didn’t have to be tin. Any metal would have done. Copper, possibly. Did you mine copper? Probably.

As he lay there, sprawled out on the many buttons and gizmos that made up the control panels, he reflected on the life he’d led up to this point. Well, lives really, but this newest one had been pretty short in comparison. No, his mind took him back to his first life. He’d accomplished a lot, he reckoned. Lawyer, senator, submarine salesman, president…he hadn’t done too badly, all in all. Oh sure, there were things he would have done differently. Probably would have avoided that whole civil war thing, if possible. And stop his son from dying. And maybe not done so much bear wrestling…oh who was he kidding, more bear wrestling.

Still, when you got right down to it, he’d led a full life, and achieved many things. More than a lot of people would ever do. So surely it was ok to stop now. Surely one little building wouldn’t cause as much damage to the Moon as that nutty fruitcake had implied. It probably wouldn’t do much more than leave a crater. So he could just relax…and die…in peace.

And yet…even with the blood trickling from his wound…even with his vision becoming dark and cloudy…even with his life leaving him…could he give up yet? Did he have the right to give up? While there was still injustice and tyranny to be fought?

No! Lincoln slammed his fist against the floor. He couldn’t let it end this way. While there was still air in his lungs…still blood in his heart (though that was depleting rather rapidly)…still resolve in his spirit, he had to keep on fighting. For truth! For justice! For all that was good and pure in this world, he had to keep up the fight! He hadn’t given up during his country’s darkest hour, and he wasn’t going to give up now.

“I…will…survive!” he shouted with all his strength.

Suddenly, a change came over Lincoln. He felt his heart pumping out pure righteousness through his arteries and veins, strength returning to his legs, a feeling of power and glory surging through his body. He watched as a bullet propelled itself from his chest, the wound knitting itself back together, even restoring the torn fabric of his suit.

He’d felt like this before. Back in WIPE HQ. Right before he’d left to take on the badger people. Right before…of course! It was so obvious! He’d gained them when he was about to free people from being oppressed. He’d lost them when taking on a poor Joe just trying to do his job. It was only when he was fighting for the people that he had them, and if stopping a 3dIM from crashing into the Moon wasn’t the very dictionary definition of fighting for the people, then he was going to have to find a new dictionary.

He stood up, his strength fully restored, as an all mighty aura surrounded him. With a look of determination in his eye, he gave out that mighty cry.

“Lincoln Powers…ACTIVATE!”

A newfound urge of awesomeness coursing through him, Abe smashed his way through the viewing screen and fly to the very tip of the 3dIM. With the might of all that’s right, he threw all his weight against the accelerating building, doing his best to turn back the giant object.

He could feel it slowing down, slower, slower, ever so slightly decreasing in speed by the second. But the Moon wasn’t that far away, and Abe had a lot of work to do. Would he make it in time?

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.5

Lincoln grasped at his chest, staggering backwards as the bullet tore into his chest. He held up his hand to see it covered in blood. He sniffed at it. Yes, it was his own. His thought that it might just have been a ball of someone else’s blood that had been shot at him was, in retrospect, a little too optimistic.

“Well, that seems to confirm that theory,” Booth gave a low, guttural laugh. “How does it feel, Lincoln? To know that once again, you’ve been taken down by the greatest actor the world has ever known, John Wilkes Booth.”

“At least…I won’t have to listen to…your ego ranting…anymore,” Lincoln gasped. Atta boy, Abe! Don’t let them see you sweat!

“That’s right Lincoln, keep laughing. After all, it’s only one bullet, right? It’s not like you’ve never felt one before.”

“You know the old saying…gloaters…never prosper,” Abe fell to his knees, wincing in pure agony.

“Then it appears that old saying is wrong. For you see, I am a gloater. And look at how much I’m prospering!” Booth did a little victory dance in front of his fallen opponent. But don’t applaud his dancing skills, because he’s a bad guy!

“So…you took me all the way to the Moon…just to kill me?” Lincoln tried to concentrate, his vision blurring.

“Well, yes,” Booth shrugged. “A bit overdramatic I know, but what do you want? I’m an actor. Although admittedly I didn’t originally plan for a bullet to do the job. And I hoped you’d at least put up a struggle before going down. In fact, I’m a little disappointed. Oh well, you’ll soon be crashing into the Moon, so hopefully that will make up for it.”

“What?” Lincoln moaned, sliding closer to the floor.

“Oh, sorry, did I forget to mention? This 3dIM was never going to actually land on the Moon. You see, I knew you’d chase after me, and I knew you wouldn’t stop until you took me down for good. But you see Lincoln, I’d already had it all worked out.

“I reconfigured this 3dIM so that, instead of providing safe transport to the Moon, it would in fact cut out at the last minute and go into a collision course with the lunar surface! You may be strong, but even if you survived the initial explosion, you’d be hard pressed to do well without any air. Mind you, without your Lincoln powers, you might be dead before we even make it to good old Lunar.

“Of course, crashing into the Moon won’t do much good for old Mother Earth either. Oh, there’ll probably be some tidal waves, maybe a few showers of falling rock from the debris. Possibly someone’s fields will be spoilt by the charred remains of an ex-President. In any event, it’s sure to put a crimp in a few million people’s day.”

“Booth…you’re insane,” Lincoln grunted. “You’ll…kill yourself…too.”

“Or so you’d think, you bearded buffoon. But the shadowy organisation that brought me back to life have other plans. Or didn’t you realise they had the ability to teleport me throughout space? How silly of me not to inform you. But then, how do you think I made it into WIPE headquarters in the first place? Through the front door?”

Though he was in too much pain to express it, Abe imagined that the front door would have had the same effect.

“Ah, speak of the devil,” Booth smiled, becoming wavy and transparent as the teleportation took effect. “In a very literal sense, I assure you. Don’t feel too bad, Lincoln. Mighty though you may be, you just weren’t enough to take on the awesome majesty that is our evil cabal. And let this be a lesson to all that in the end, evil will always win over good.

“Oh, and before I forget…sic semper tyrannis, pro verus!”

The terrible sounds of the madman’s horrible laughter echoed throughout the room as he disappeared from view, leaving Lincoln all alone as the Moon appeared ever larger on the viewing screen.

Well, not all alone. The unconscious body of Blake Dynamite was still there. But fat lot of good he’d do. Stupid unconscious idiot.

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.4

Dynamite bunched his fingers into fist and held them out, pugilist style. “Come on you rat, put up your dukes! Just try to keep up with these lightning moves. I fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee!”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this…” Lincoln reluctantly took a fighting stance. “Look, Blake was it? Why don’t you just stop this now? I promise I won’t think less of you if you walk away.”

“But I will!” Booth raised his fist. “In fact, I’ll think so less of you, I might not even invite you to my next birthday party.”

“You wouldn’t?” Blake sounded distraught.

“I wouldn’t, and it’s going to be a hell of a party too. There’ll be ice cream cake, and lots of balloons. And I was thinking of hiring a magician!”

“Don’t let him get to you, son,” Abe raised a hand in warning. “What are delicious confections and showy parlour tricks compared to the safety of the human race?”

“You won’t fool my boy so easily, Lincoln,” Booth sniggered. “He’s not going to fall for your little mind games, are you Blake?”

“No sir, not me!” Blake nodded.

“That’s my boy. Now get in there and show that Lincoln what you got!”

“You got it, boss!” Dynamite gave a few punches. “I’m gonna show you why they call me Dynamite. ‘Cos I blow people away!”

“Oh please, stop trying to make that into a catchphrase,” Abe groaned. “It doesn’t even make sense. That pun would only work if your name was Hurricane or Tornado or something wind-related. You should be saying ‘because I’m explosive’ or something.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s much better. Mind if I use it?”

Lincoln sighed. “Go ahead, if you must.”

“Thanks. Now watch out, because I got an explosive temper!” Dynamite threw a couple more punches.

“Can we just get this over with?” Abe rolled his eyes.

“Oh, look at you, mister full of confidence over there! Mister ‘I-don’t-know-what-I’m-up-against’! Well I hope you’re ready, you overconfident conman, because you’re going to receive my ultimate move. My finishing special. My super amazing punch of ultimate power, which no man has ever survived yet. I mean, you’re the first person I’ve tried it on, but I’m pretty sure you won’t survive it. Ok, here it comes…Super Hyper Megaton Punch!”

Dynamite ran forward, fists flaring, lungs screaming, arms flailing, running with all the strength he could muster…right smack into Lincoln’s outstretched fist. With a great thud of meat hitting metal, he fell unconscious onto the floor.

There was a short amount of silence, as protagonist and antagonist observed minor character. Finally, Booth spoke up.

“You know, I really thought he’d last longer. Not much longer, mind you, but I hoped he’d at least be able to land a punch.”

“Well, so much for your secret weapon,” Lincoln rubbed his hands, trying to remove any patheticness he might have accidentally picked up from contact with Dynamite.

“Oh, he wasn’t my secret weapon. No, good God no. You really think that I…and he…oh Lincoln, you are a card. No, my secret weapon was time, my dear soon to be departed fellow. He was just a distraction to allow us to get ever closer to the Moon, which, as I’m sure you’ll observe, is getting nice and big now.”

Lincoln looked out the observation screen (or ‘window’, as they’re often called) to see that, yes, the Moon certainly was looking worryingly big.

“Mind you, I’m not completely weaponless. I still have my trusty revolver here,” Booth pulled out the pistol from his jacket.

Abe laughed. “Oh please, not that old thing. You know I’ll just catch the bullet again.”

“I think not, Mr. Ex-President. I don’t think you can anymore. In fact, I’m willing to bet you don’t have any of your Lincoln powers anymore.”

“That’s absurd,” Lincoln tried not to sweat. “Why would you make such a foolish assumption?”

“Because if you did have your amazing powers, you would have already thwarted my evil scheme the moment you arrived. The fact that you took so long with Dynamite confirmed it. And I believe without your Lincoln powers, based on experience, a simple bullet should be all it takes. Like so.”

BANG!

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.3

“That’s right, it’s me, Agent Blake Dynamite!”

Lincoln looked on in shock as Blake Dynamite, his face now concealed behind an iron mask, made his way towards Booth’s side.

“Blake Dynamite…a traitor! I never thought I’d see the day,” Abe shook his head sadly. “Though admittedly because I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. But I never thought you’d turn traitor.”

“The only thing I’m a traitor to is you, you traitor!” Dynamite shook his fist in a failed attempt at a menacing manner. “Me and the Director here are going to put a stop to your wicked shenanigans. Isn’t that right, Director?”

“Oh yes, quite right, Blake,” Booth smiled, winking at Lincoln.

“Dynamite, are you a complete dunderhead? That’s not the director of WIPE. That’s John Wilkes Booth, overrated actor and presidential murderer! He’s not even dressed as a woman anymore!”

“Maybe not, but officially he’s still the Director,” said Dynamite. “And that means I’m gonna stick with him. Because I don’t know what kinda communist country you come from, pal, but in America we have a little thing called ‘loyalty’!”

“What…why…we’re from the same country, you idiot! I’m Abraham Lincoln! The 16^th president! My face is on currency, for crying out loud!”

“You don’t fool me, traitor,” Dynamite squinted his eyes, apparently attempting to glare derisively at our hero. “The Director explained that all that super science was a load of hooey. You can’t bring people back from the dead with solar power. So you must be an imposter, here to break up WIPE and terrorise the planet.”

“Good lord, boy, you’re an even bigger idiot than I realised. Why would you still want to work with WIPE anyway? They tried to laser your face off.”

“Hah!” Blake laughed away the criticism. “Actually though, that is a good point,” he stopped to consider it for a moment. “Why did you laser my face off?”

“That was the Commissioner, Blake, not me,” Booth explained in his slick manner. Oooh I hate this guy! “I’d never try to laser your face off. That’s why I gae you a nice shiny new face to make up for it.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Dynamite smiled. “See? The Director is my friend.”

“Of course I am,” Booth patted him on the back. “And as a friend, I’m asking you to beat up that imposter there.”

“You got it, sir!” Blake saluted, and made a threatening pose. “Alright, you evil bad person! Prepare for the whooping of a lifetime. Because when you mess with Dynamite…you get blown away!”

Lincoln didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I advise you to laugh. It’s always nicer than crying.

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.2

The lift doors opened, and Lincoln stepped forward into the command centre of the 3dIM. It was quite a sight to behold. Computer consoles with many flashing lights and multi-coloured buttons stood before giant glass panels revealing the majesty of the cosmos, with the already large image of the Moon gradually getting bigger and bigger. In front of all that stood John Wilkes Booth, a sinister smile on his face.

“Welcome to my humble home, Lincoln.”

“Your home?” Abe raised an eyebrow. “You mean you live in here?”

“No, of course I don’t live here. I was being facetious.”

“Barely. You were just lying, really.”

“Oh, and of course that offends Honest Abe, doesn’t it? You never could get the hang of it, could you? The one thing you always found difficult. Unlike suspending our civil liberties!”

“Oh, this is about the Civil War again, isn’t it?” Lincoln raised his palm to his face. “Weren’t you the one just now talking about leaving things in the past? You guys lost! Get over it!”

“Bah!” Booth smacked a nearby wall for dramatic effect. “Well, the only thing you’ll be suspending now is yourself. In space!”

“From what?”

“Eh?”

“What will I be suspending myself from in space? I suppose I’ll have a rope attached to a nearby asteroid.”

“Well…maybe!” John stuttered.

“I really wish you’d think your mild threats through before saying them,” Abe rolled his eyes. “Frankly it’s embarrassing having such weak banter with an enemy.”

“Is that any way to talk to your arch-nemesis?” Booth spat at the stove-pipe-hatted hero.

“Oh come now, Booth. Really? My arch-nemesis? I knew you had an ego, but I had no idea it was so big.”

“What are you talking about? Of course I’m your arch-nemesis! I killed you, for God’s sake!” Booth raved.

“Please. My arch-nemeses are injustice, tyranny, cruelty. You barely measure up as a thorn in my side.”

“Oh come on! Those are just abstract concepts, they can’t be arch-nemeses. You’re just taking the piss!”

“You’re just jealous because you’re only a little man in a big evil pond. Why, if I had a stick with all the measurements of villainy on it, I’d beat you with the stick and tell you to stop wasting my time. Because you’re barely a threat, Booth. You could be a recurring foe, possibly, since you’ve bothered me twice you might just qualify, but nemesis? It is to laugh.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not evil enough for you?” Booth stomped his foot in anger. “I’ll have you know I’m one of the most evil men who ever lived! Four other men were supposed to join me that night, killing off important political figures to create a massive power vacuum. But who actually went through with it? And with the president, no less! Me, that’s who! How’s that for pure evil?”

He gave a maniacal laugh as if to prove it. Lincoln didn’t look impressed.

“A for effort, pal, but face it. You’re just a chump. A stooge. A lackey for this new evil masters of yours. Face it, as a villain, you’re really second rate. No wonder this sinister geniuses have you running around doing their dirty work.”

“Oh, is that what you think? You think I’m not an equal member of…”

Booth stopped himself just in time. “Oh, very clever Lincoln. Trying to rile me up so that I’d reveal the identity of my shadowy organisation. Bravo,” he clapped mockingly. “If only you were a better actor, I might have fallen for it.”

“I’m still twice the actor you were, Boothy!” Lincoln shook a fist. “I tell you, I’ve seen some horrible sights in my time. I’ve seen brother turn against brother, men subjected to cruelties beyond reason, people forced to watch their loved ones die. But let me tell you something, brother, that production of Hamlet you did…that was the worst.”

“Shut up, I was brilliant! I was called magnetic before we really knew what that word meant! But enough of this,” Booth snapped his fingers, causing the lights to turn off. The only illumination came from the sight of the Moon in front of them.

“What now? Are we going to have a romantic meal together?” Lincoln smirked.

“Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you Lincoln?”

“Well, as long as you don’t order oysters. I’m not that type of man.”

“That’s not what certain history books suggest, Mr. I-share-beds-with-men.”

“It was the most economically sensible option!” Abe snapped.

“Suuuuure. In any event, the reason I turned off the lights, was because I wanted the most dramatic reveal for my little weapon. Enter!”

A panel opened up behind Lincoln. He turned around, and gasped in surprise.

“No…it can’t be! That’s impossible! It’s…it’s…”

(Just as a sidenote, don’t you hate it when people interrupt the narrative of a story just to get attention? I know I do!)

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.1

Lincoln slowly advanced down the dimly lit corridors, carefully checking for any traps that Booth may have laid. Curiously enough, everything seemed fairly safe. Maybe Booth hadn’t expected him to get on board, or maybe he was just being overconfident. Either way, it worked to Abe’s advantage. He’d have the element of surprise.

Unfortunately, so did the building. Or rather, it had the element of confusion. Rather than a convenient set of straight lines, the layout seemed more like a maze, with plenty of twists and turns. Some branches led to dead ends, others to further junctions. He kept hoping there’d be a handy floor guide, or perhaps an old map etched into the walls. Because that was reasonable, right? That whoever designed this building would carve a map into the walls.

Not that a map would even help out in the long run. He wasn’t at all sure where Booth was, or even which direction he was travelling, and time wasn’t on his side. If he didn’t make it before they reached the Moon…well, admittedly he wasn’t really sure what would happen, but he imagined it wasn’t anything good.

At last he came to a set of stairs. He was on the ground floor, so it was fairly obvious that Booth would be on the top floor. Perhaps…a little too obvious. Maybe Booth was banking on the fact that Abe would go to the top floor, and would use that to sneak up on him from the floor below. But perhaps he’d counted on Lincoln thinking that, lulling him to a false sense of security, so that he could actually sneak up on him from the floor above! But then wouldn’t Booth have counted on him thinking that, to trick him into—

“Oh come on!” came a voice from seemingly nowhere. “It’s a flight of stairs! You climb them! This isn’t supposed to be a major obstacle!”

“What the…?” Abe looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. “Show yourself, you disembodied delinquent!”

“Don’t stress yourself out looking for me, old man. I’m speaking to you through that speaker behind you, as I’m sure anyone with half a brain could reason. But then again, do you even have half a brain anymore? Or did the cleaning crew throw it out when they cleaned your box?”

“I see you’re still too cowardly to show yourself,” said Lincoln, inwardly cursing himself for not thinking to check for hidden cameras.

“If you’re so desperate to see me, you dunderheaded diplomat, you’ll find me on the top floor. Just wait there, I’ll send an elevator down. I was going to lead you through my deadly maze of fiendish death traps, but if a simple flight of stairs is enough to stump you, I don’t think you’d survive the first floor.”

A whirr of machinery started up, and Abe was surprised by a nearby panel opening up to reveal a lift.

“And how do I know this isn’t a death trap too?” he asked.

“Oh for God’s sake, stop overthinking everything! Just get in the damn elevator and show a little trust. What good would this do as a death trap anyway? You can fly, can’t you?”

“Ah, of course I can,” said Abe, technically not lying, just not adding the phrase ‘although not at the moment’ to the sentence. Cautiously, he walked into the lift, the panel sliding back into place as he entered.

“You haven’t rigged this thing with bombs, have you?” he asked, as the lift began moving upwards.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a very cynical person?” the lift replied, or rather Booth’s speaker within the lift. The lift cannot talk. That would be silly.

“Sorry, I just have trust issues with people who’ve shot me in the back of the head.”

“Oh, are you still going on about that? You have a very one track mind, you know? That was in the past. Move on. Get over it. I plan to kill you in many new and exciting ways now. Won’t that be fun to look forward to?”

“I’ll try to hold my enthusiasm.”