The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 4

Before we begin, I would like to apologise for my previous comments wherein I said there was only one way to find out. This was a slight hyperbole, or 'lie', on my part. There were in fact several ways to find out other than wait for the conclusion to play out. One could have left a comment asking what happened, wherein you would have been told what the inevitable conclusion would be. Similarly, one could have sent an electronic mail message and received similar results.

These are just two extra ways, and the list goes on and on. You might have set up a simulation on a virtual reality environment, playing out all possible scenarios until you reached a general consensus on the outcome. Had you the means to do so, you could have hired actors to portray Lincoln and the fish goons, setting up the events in a studio (or on location) and seeing how things played out. Expensive, but no doubt worth it if you were that inclined to learn what happened.

For those of you more psychically inclined, you could have determined the result through predetermination. Perhaps the stars themselves could have told you astrologists what was going to happen. Quite possibly, quite very possibly, you could have opened up a fish or wild boar (they are remarkably similar as a species) and used its entrails to see into the future. This is pretty weird and slightly disgusting though, so don't do that again.

Whatever method you used, you would have arrived at the same conclusion-of course Lincoln can beat a couple of fish goons. What's wrong with you, sir/madam? Didn't you read about him taking on that giant badger? He beat that quite handily, and I'd wager that was a damn sight tougher than any fish goons with tommy guns. Seriously. You people should have some more faith.

Anyway, after catching the bullets in Stovey, throwing their weapons away and laying the smackdown on one of the goons, Abe held the other up by the lapels and asked him, very politely, what exactly he thought he was doing by wrecking all these ships. Hey, I used passive voice!

"Well geeze, I dunno," said the maritime mug. "I'm just doing what da boss tells me ta do."

"Then how about this?" Lincoln replied, tightening his hold. "What are you doing with the ships once you've sunk them?"

"Oh, dat's easy," the goon smiled. "We strips thems of dere metal and gives it to da boss for his big battle submarine what he's gonna use to hold up all da banks of da woild."

"Diabolical!" Lincoln smacked his fist, which had the unfortunate effect of smacking the fish mobster too. "This won't stand. I demand you take me to visit your boss at once."

"Hey, whoa dere," the fish goon protested. "I ain't no stoolie, bub. Why should I take ya's to see da boss?"

"If you don't, then I'll do to you what I did to your friend over there."

The goon gulped. Having been spared the details, you won't know how badly beaten up the other guy was, but rest assured, it was pretty brutal. "OK, I'l show ya, I'll show ya! Just don't hoit me."

After grabbing a scuba diving outfit, Lincoln followed his reluctant companion to the very depths of the ocean floor itself, arriving at a building that tried its best to look nonchalant, a move that was doomed to fail as it was doomed to stick out against the nothingness of anything else.

The goon knocked on the door, causing a metal section to be slid back.

"Yes?" came a gruff voice.

"Pone sent me," said the goon, and the door opened up to reveal a fishy bouncer. His eyes widened upon seeing Lincoln, who promptly punched him in the head.

"You can run along now, son," said Abe, cracking his knuckles. "If you thought what I did to your friend was bad, you're not going to like this one bit. And take my advice-say no to organised crime."

"Ye-yeah, su-sure thing mac," stuttered the goon as Lincoln took his first steps inside the horror that was the subaquatic speakeasy of...Aqua Pone!

And that was the best pun I could think of.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 3

Life at sea can be a lonely one, that's for sure. So it's a good thing that most ocean cruise liners have plenty of room for shuffleboard! In fact, Lincoln was so caught up in his shuffling of boards that for the second time today he almost missed something vitally important to his mission. He's going to have to learn to pay more attention.

READERS-Don't you risk getting caught unaware like our friend Abe here. Always pay attention to your surroundings, and learn to improve your observation skills. You may wish to try a simple game known to all bored school teachers and Cub Scout leaders. Gather a bunch of household objects onto a tray. Give yourself  a minute to look at everything, then cover the tray with a sheet or large plastic bag. Allow yourself another minute to write down all the items you can remember. Some might say this is more of a memory enhancer than an observation test, but to them I say "Bushwah!" And now back to our story.

Rising from the depths like an object floating up in a bathtub, our distracted hero only just caught sight of the oncoming DSV as it approached the cruise liner. DSV stands for Deep Sea Vehicle, as you'd surely know if you ever watched the popular 90s television show Seaquest DSV. I certainly never watched it. I had far better things to do with my life in the 90s. So for all I know it may have been a classic, but I've never seen a DVD of it available, so take that Rockne O'Bannon! And all your hopes and dreams!

Spotting the invading machine just in time, Lincoln fell to the ship's deck, trying to stay out of sight. It's funny, really. Something coming into sight made something else go out of sight. Don't you think that's funny? No? I mean, not funny 'ha-ha', but funny in a sort of 'how appropriate' sense. Well never mind. Anyway, as Lincoln hid from sight, the lid of the DSV popped open, and out came a sight so bizarre that if Abe had been looking, he probably would have made some old-timey colloquialism.

Out from the sea vehicle came three human-like fish creatures, or if you prefer, fish-like human creatures, each one wearing fancy black suits with white ties. They all had black fedoras atop their heads, with large fins popping out the tops. The one in the middle, with a scar right down his...face? It was hard to tell...was smoking a big thick cigar, which he moved from side to side around his mouth. The two either side were both carrying tommy guns. Aside from this descent into human culture they were completely fish like, with webbed feet, gills, scaly skin and all the other things you'd associate with fish people.

Lincoln risked taking a peek over the side of the deck, taking care to remove his hat to reduce the risk of being spotted. Which is a good thing too, because it would have fallen off when he saw the unbelievable sight. "Jumping horsefeathers," he whispered. Told you so.

The fish-man in the middle removed the cigar from his not-lips and flicked it into the ocean. "Alright youse mugs," he called to his fine finny fiends. "Looks like we got a'nudder one'a those fancy cruise ships. Should make a nice bit a' moichendice, see? So you knows the drill. Fill it full'a lead, strip it down ta da frames and bring it all back for salvage. Capice?"

"Roight boss!" said the others, who Lincoln correctly worked out to be goons.

"Alright good. I'll meet youse guys back at da hideout, see? Don't let nobody spot ya! Now get outta here!"

"Roight boss!" said the goons, hopping into the ocean below as the main fish-man got back inside the DSV. The vehicle sunk back below the surface, and Lincoln watched as the fish-goons got their suits wet swimming towards the cruise liner. What a waste of good fabric, he thought.

Still thankfully unobserved, he looked at the goons stopped a short distance from the ship, and raised their tommy guns to take aim. This looked bad. If they weren't careful, they could pull the trigger and end up shooting at the boat. It was then the penny finally dropped. A Lincoln penny. The time for stealthy observation was other. It was time to act.

"Alright you goons, throw those weapons away!" he said, putting Stovey back on his head as he rose from cover. "I made a promise to the captain of this vessel that I wouldn't let it go down, and I never go back on a promise if I can help it."

"Hey, who's dis mug?" asked the right goon.

"Who cares?" asked the left, or sinister goon. "Waste da wiseguy!"

The two goons changed their aim from the boat to Monsieur Abe. Is our hero about to become Swiss Lincoln? Does that even make sense? There's only one way to find out!

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 2

Lincoln hovered above the Mediterranean sea, keeping his steely gaze focused on trying to spot a sign of the sinister ship sinkers. There didn't seem to be any odd activity going on, which didn't help his villain-spotting skills one bit. This made a lot of sense-from what the Commissioner had said, it sounded like these dastardly devils were more likely to reside under the surface. But to scour through the murky depths and explore the ocean floor would have taken so long, who knows how many boats and ships could have been sunk while he was searching? No, better to try to find some lead as to their whereabouts before searching all willy-nilly.
    What an odd expression that was. Willy-nilly. Who was this Willy, and what was it about him that people called him 'nilly'? Unless that was his surname. William Nilly. Not a very dignified name, really. Maybe that's why he was so famous. A foolish name and a penchant for acting in an irrational manner, he seemed the very sort of fellow that was ripe for ridicule.
     So caught up was Abe in his thoughts about Mr. Nilly that he almost failed to spot an ocean liner making its  merry way along the sea. But fortunately, he did spot it. And thus did a masterly plan come into fruition. Sparing no time, except a small moment to write down 'Willy Nilly' in his notebook, he flew down to the ship's deck.
     "Excuse me, sir," he said to a passing steward. "Could you take me to the ship's captain? I have to speak to him urgently."
    "Well...it's against the rules to let passengers speak to the captain," mused the steward.
   "I admire your dedication to your job, son. But I have to point out, I'm Abraham Lincoln."
   "Hmm, that is true. Oh, alright. Let me show you to the bridge."

   "Well, what a surprise," said the captain, as he answered the door to Abe. "What can I do for you, Mr. Lincoln?"
   "Captain, have you heard about the attacks on ocean vessels that have been taking place in this part of the ocean?"
   "I sure have. I admit I'm a little scared, but I'm not going to let these fine folks ruin their holiday over a little scary shipwrecking."
   "It's good to see you're dedicated to your passengers' safety captain, but I think I have a plan that might be of interest to you. How about you put all your guests into the lifeboats and take them over to Morocco for the day. Say it's a chance to experience how the ancient settlers discovered that fabulous country. Take the crew too, give them a nice day's rest."
   The captain rubbed his beard. "Say now, that might not be a bad attraction. But who's going to look after the boat?"
   "You leave that to me, sir. I have a use for this boat, a use that might lead to me taking out these violent sea-dwellers once and for all. You see, I'll use this ship as bait to lure those villains out of the water. Then, after they've struck, I'll follow them to their lair and then force them into a surrender, thus ending their reign of terror once and for all."
   "You're not going to let the boat sink, are you?" asked the captain suspiciously.
    "Um....maybe," Lincoln admitted. "Actually that's a major part of my plan, I'm afraid. Thinking about it, that's probably not going to be beneficial to you in the long run, is it?"
    "Not really. Can you do a plan that doesn't sink my ship?"
    Abe considered this. "Well that's going to make it a lot more difficult. I kind of need to use this ship as bait."
    "But you can't let my lovely boat sink," the captain protested. "It's full of all my passengers' things! Not to mention my crew's! And my own!"
    "I realise that sir, but think of what's more important. A few material possessions, or the chance to stop a menace of the seas?"
    "That's easy for you to say, Mr. Lincoln," the captain frowned. "You don't have a cruise company to report back to. I won't let you have this boat if you're going to sink it."
   "Alright, fine," Abe sighed. "I promise I won't let this boat sink. Fortunately I have a new plan that won't result in anything on this ship going below the surface."
    "You sure?"
    "Positive. Probably."

    A short while later, Abe was all alone on the boat, watching the guests make their way to shore. He was fairly sure that his new plan would not result in the boat sinking. Pretty sure. Like, 67%. Ish. Now he just had to wait for the ship sinkers to show themselves. Was there time for a game of shuffleboard? Heck, there's always time for a game of shuffleboard!

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 1

Abraham Lincoln was strapped down to a block of ice inside a dank and desolate cavern in the Himalayas, with a giant snowball dangling dangerously over him whilst a maniacal and bespectacled man in a lab coat watched on. In other words, it was a fairly typical day for the rail splitter.

“Muwahahahahahahahaha!” cackled the lab coat wearing fiend. “I’m afraid there’s snow hope for you now, Lincoln! Once I pull this lever, the giant Snowball of Doom will fall on top of you, thus ending your miserable existence once and for all! Then there’ll be snow one to stop me from turning the world into a giant ice cube! Muwahahahahahahahaha!”

“Just what do you think you’re playing at, Dr. Blizzardo?” asked an annoyed Abe. “What will you achieve by turning the world into a giant ice cube?”

“Reverse global warming, of course,” Dr. Blizzardo beamed brilliantly. “For too long have the people of the world harmed the beauty of the snow and frost by allowing the Earth to get ever warmer. Soon the ice caps won’t even exist anymore! But I, Dr. Blizzardo, will use my mighty Ice Cannon to put the world into another ice age, thus ensuring that our world stays safe for coldness forever!”

Lincoln shook his head. “Your intentions may be noble doctor, but it’s pretty obvious you’re an insane looney! Looks like I’ll have to put a stop to your villainous scheme once and for all.”

“And how do you propose to do that, you pathetic president?” Dr. Blizzardo sneered. “When all I have to do is pull this lever and crush you under a pile of Super Cold Snow, ending your activities forever! You may have been a match for my Snow Warriors—“

“You mean the snowmen?”

“Yes the snowmen! You may have destroyed every one of them, but we’ll see how you fare against my ultimate death trap! Farewell, Lincoln. It was ice to know you!”

With another sinister laugh, Dr. Blizzardo pulled the lever, letting the giant snowball fall from the cave ceiling above down onto our hero. With a mighty THWUMP, the snowball completely covered the Great Emancipator. Oh no! How’s Lincoln going to get out of this one?

Quite easily! For, much to Doctor Blizzardo’s surprise, Abe rose up from the ice slab virtually unharmed.

“Impossible!” the doctor cried. “There was snow way you could have survived that! How did you manage to get freeze from my trap?”

“Simple, really. One, your giant snowball fell maybe 4 feet at most. There was never any chance it was going to actually hurt me.”

Blizzardo cursed. “I knew I should have raised it higher, but it was just so heavy!”

“And two, I was only strapped down with woolly scarves. Nice though they were, wool isn’t the best material to keep someone tied down with. Truth be told I could have escaped at any time, but I wanted to give you a sporting chance.”

“Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!” the doctor shook his fist impotently. “That’s snow fair! This is an ice way to end my scheme indeed! You leave me snow choice but to chill you with my Ice Cannon! I’ll snow you snow mercy, you lousy legislator! I won’t let you put me on ice! If you’ll forgive my cold reception—“

Dr. Blizzardo was quickly shut up by a sock to the chin, courtesy of Abe’s Left Fist of Justice, thus ending his pathetic reign of terror and onslaught of puns. He then turned the Ice Cannon onto its creator, trapping him within a man-sized ice cube.

“Well that takes care of that,” he said, smashing the Ice Cannon into tiny pieces. It was then that he heard the familiar sound of his Signal Watch.

“Reading you loud and clear, Commissioner.”

“Ah, Lincoln, good to see you. How’s your little excursion to the Himalayas going?”

“Very nicely, thank you. It’s pretty relaxing over here, nothing too diabolical to speak of. Thanks for setting me up with those snowboarding lessons, I think I’m really getting the hang of it. Oh, and I’m now leader of a Yeti tribe, would you believe?”

“A fascinating story Lincoln, and one I hope to hear someday. But right now I’m afraid we’ve got an emergency on our hands.”

“What’s the problem, old chum?”

“We’ve had reports of violence on the high seas, Lincoln. Merchant ships and luxury cruises have been attacked about 13 miles off the coast of Morocco. It’s a strange case-the hulls of the boats just seem to suddenly riddled with holes, like a delicious Swiss cheese, with no evidence to suggest who could have done such a thing. At first we thought it might be pirates, but eyewitnesses have made mention of underwater vessels leaving the scene of the crime. We think the culprit or culprits might be more sub-aquatic than we first thought. Get in there and see what you can find.”

“Roger, Commissioner. I’ll be there in a jiffy. Lincoln out.”

After giving the ice-bound Dr. Blizzardo to the authorities, Abe set out towards Morocco, wondering what strange new menace he’d encounter under the sea. Under the sea. Deadly crustaceans, or strange machinations, under the sea.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The Serpent of Space, Part 4

“You’re persistent, thing from Erf,” Serperior nodded, his deadly beams continuing to track Lincoln down. “I’ll give you that, you’re persistent. But we both know there’s only one way this can end.”

“If it’s with my foot in your face, then we agree,” said Abe, desperately trying to stay one step ahead of the space snake’s attack.

“Oh, so full of confidence, so ready with the quips. We’ll see who’s laughing when you end up cold and numb, floating forever in the endless eternity of-“

But Serperior’s comments were cut off by a generous portion of foot to the face. Yes, Lincoln had counted on the serpent getting so caught up in releasing eye beams, that he wouldn’t actually be able to see him getting ever closer to his face between each one. With the snake off guard, Abe lashed out a torrent of blows and kicks on his adversary. And not a torrent like the thing you might download from the internet. Something much more deadly.

Eventuall Serperior managed to regain composure. “I suppose you think you’re clever,” he retorted. “Well, it may surprise you to learn that I’ve been holding back all this time.”

“You’re right, that does surprise me,” Abe admitted. “You mean you’re not really a pathetic garden snake with light up eyes after all?”

“Scoff all you like, but we’ll see who’s scoffing when you face my full power! And it will be me! Scoffing you up!”

Serperior sent out another beam from his eyes, but this one was much different. It was thicker, meaner and much more difficult to evade. Lincoln couldn’t stop himself from being hit full blast by the insidious beam.

“You might as well give up now, tiny morsel!” Serperior cackled. “I’ve never met a foe yet who can survive a full onslaught from my Rays of Justice.”

“Well I’ve never met a foe who can stand up to my fists of justice!” Lincoln replied, summoning all of his Lincoln powers into his fist. He socked away at the ray, forcing his way closer towards his foe, ready to finish him off once and for all. It was only when he was inches away from delivering the greatest blow in his career, that it dawned on him what Serperior had said. From the look on his face, and the fact that he’d stopped with the eye rays, it seemed Serperior had realised it too.

“Wait, did you say—“

“Rays”/”Fists”

“Of Justice?” they said together.

The two opponents looked at each other for a long time, until Serperior covered his head with his tail.

“Oh my Zarblox,” he muttered. “This is so embarrassing.”

“You mean to say that you too fight on the side of right?” Lincoln asked.

“Yes indeed. I’m known as the greatest hero of my sector of the galaxy. And you?”

“I’m the defender of my planet,” said Abe. “And it appears I’ve made a grievous mistake.”

“Oh no, all my fault I assure you,” Serperior held out his tail in friendship. “I am so sorry about this. It’s just, I’ve been trapped in a rock for so long, and I have all these unresolved anger issues, and you were making all these demands…rightfully so, I hasten to add.”

“No no, I was wrong to be so argumentative. I shouldn’t have let my ego get the better of me. But tell me sir, how did you come to be trapped in that rock in the first place?”

And so Serperior told Lincoln of how, many space miles from here, he had been engaged in a fight with the terrible Tyrazix Twins, those well known hooligans of space. After a long and arduous battle, he’d been ambushed by his arch-enemy Snakosis, who had taken advantage of his weary state to trap him inside a prison of space debris, which had been launched out of a giant cannon towards the outer reaches of space. It was quite a good story that loses a lot in the retelling, but rest assured, if you had been there to hear it, you would have been impressed.

“And it seems I have you to thank for releasing me. What’s your name, brave fighter from Erf?”

“My name is Abraham Lincoln, Mr. Serperior, and if you would indulge me, I’d like to make up for this little transgression by buying you a drink.”

“Ah, if I only had time,” Serperior smiled. “But I have already dallied too long in this unfortunate squabble. I must make my way back to my people as fast as possible, and make sure that Snakosis has not done too much damage. Perhaps another time, my worthy opponent.”

“Count on it, friend. And if you need any help against this Snakosis fellow, you know where to find me.”

Thank you, Abraham Lincoln. I would be honoured. And now, I must bid you farewell.”

With one last wave of his tail, Serperior shot like a rocket back to his home planet. Lincoln have him a salute before setting off back to Earth.

“Come in Lincoln, come in Lincoln,” said the voice of the Commissioner as Abe tore through the atmosphere. “What happened up there? Did you stop the meteor?”

“Oh yes indeed, old chum,” said Lincoln. “And I may have just made me a new friend while I was at it.”

“Aww, that’s really nice. I’m glad to hear it. Oh, uh, Lincoln? Would you mind holding the watch away from your chest? The view’s kinda…uncomfortable.”

“Ah yes, that reminds me Commissioner,” said Abe with a frown. “I think you and I need to have a talk about the proper dress code for combat.”

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The Serpent of Space, Part 3

With a might crash that no doubt would have reverberated throughout space, were it possible for sound to do such a thing in a vacuum, the mighty titans collided fist to fang. The resultant force was enough to cast the warriors back the way they came, but in short order they repeated their attack, and again, and again, neither side wanting to back down first.

When it was obvious that they were getting nowhere, Lincoln tried using his fantastic feet to shatter Serperior’s tooth. While it did make an impact, it wasn’t enough to distract the snake of the stars from slamming his face right into Abe’s body. Recoiling quickly, he launched a haymaker at his opponent’s eye, only for Serperior to quickly dodge and lash at Lincoln with his tail. As quick as he was, however, the sheer length that needed to be shifted meant Abe was easily ready to grab the tail and give it a nice big squeeze.

Serperior, though clearly in pain, wasn’t going to be let up by this lack of judgement on his part. With surprising speed, he flicked his colossal tail, sending Lincoln flying towards the gaping jaws of the giant beast. Abe wasn’t going to become a snake’s dinner though, quickly charging away from those aforementioned jaws, causing Serperior to miss out on a tasty Lincoln sausage.

Abe used this break in the action to think about the struggle. He felt he had the upper hand in strength; the space serpent had only recently been revived from who-knows-how-many years inside a large rock, and no doubt would take a while to reach his full strength. However, Serperior seemed to handle space combat a lot easier than our presidential protagonist, and it was only a matter of time before this inexperience lost him the battle.

“Well played, little morsel,” Serperior hissed in his smug way. “But you didn’t count on my laser eye beams!”

That was very true. He hadn’t counted on his laser eye beams, which even now were burning into his leg. Master tactician that Lincoln is, he realised that this was not a brilliant move, and flew out of the way as fast as he could.

First blood went to Serperior, it seemed. There was no point dwelling on that though. He’d have to find a way to counteract those eye beams. If only he’d brought Stovey-that loveable hat was more durable that it looked, and could easily have shielded him from the deadly lasers. But no, the Commissioner had to have insisted on hurrying it up. Abe made a mental note to give his chum a stern lecture on the importance of dress sense.

He could feel his leg becoming numb as he tried valiantly to stay away from the path of those revolting rays. There was only thing for it. He would have to make sure the match ended quickly, before the snake could tag the rest of him. And not tag as in a tag team, or as in something you put on a present so you can work out who it’s from. Tag as in catch, and not the game. Catch as in hit, and not like when you tell the dealer to…the long and short of it is, he didn’t want to get eye beamed to death.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The Serpent of Space, Part 2

Lincoln gazed in astonishment as the large silver serpent writhed and twisted its body, becoming visibly looser as it did so. With each turn, it stretched itself out further and further, expanding foot by foot as it began to reassert control of itself.

“Is this to be the only witness to my return?” it asked, not in the large, booming voice Lincoln was expecting, but in a low, calm, almost-British tone. “After the many years of imprisonment, only this small creature is present for my emergence from that wretched rock? How disappointing. How very disappointing.”

Abe wasn’t sure what was happening, but he readied his fists just in case.

“You may speak, tiny one,” the creature continued. “My mighty powers will allow for telepathic communication. I shall be able to hear your every word, as you will hear mine.”

“Who…or what are you?” Lincoln asked the strange, snake-like creature. It slithered around until it came face to face with him.

“Where am I, little creature?” it asked.

“I asked you first,” Abe stood his ground, which is hard to do when you’re in space. “Who are you, and what do you mean by charging at Earth in that icy missile?”

“’Erf’?” the space snake put the tip of its tail to its face, in an almost quizzical manner. “I have never heard of this ‘Erf’. I must be far out from my home. You, little thing! Tell me the way to Erxkijag.”

“One second there, Mr. Snake,” Lincoln frowned, getting rather annoyed at being treated in such a manner. “You waltz your way over to our planet in your meteor and nearly destroy us all, and then you have the gall to start making demands of me? I don’t know what kind of uncivilised planet you come from sir, but where I’m from, we have a little word called ‘please’.”

“How dare you, you impudent little ion?” the space snake arched its back. “Do you know with whom you’re speaking to?”

“I would know, if you’d have the common courtesy to answer my question. Now who are you, and what do you mean by nearly ramming into good old Mother Earth?”

“My name is Serperior!” the cosmic reptile announced, doing a little twist as if to make a bigger deal out of it. “And I have no quarrel with you or your planet-sized mother, unless you would wish to make an enemy of me by continuing your disrespectful ways!”

Lincoln tried to regain his composure. “Rest assured sir, I am not by nature a man to start an argument. But I must declare your brash and abrasive nature to be rubbing against my very last nerve. Now I ask again, state your reasons for coming to this part of the universe, or I shall be forced to lose my temper.”

“Oooh, I’m so scared,” Serperior mockingly made his slithery self shiver. “The little particle thing is threatening me. Oh no, whatever shall I do? Perhaps he’ll hit me with his tiny fist and give me a little bruise. Oh, however will I survive the onslaught? Maybe his big blue and green mother will come and give me a telling off. Oooh, I’m shaking all oveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.”

The elongated word in that sentence was due to the cosmic chordate being on the business end of an All-American punch, courtesy of Abraham Lincoln’s fist of justice, which propelled it backwards through the vacuum of space.

“How’s that for a tiny bruise?” Abe smirked.

The serpent reared its head and burrowed its gaze into Lincoln’s face. “You’re more powerful than you appear, little one. But no one who faces Serperior gets lucky twice.”

“Now listen up, you silver menace,” Abe raised a finger at Serperior (No, not the middle one. He does have some class, you know). “You come here to my home, nearly destroy it in the process, start making fun of my size, don’t even have the decency to offer an apology, crack wise about my planet and then think you can mock me?”

Lincoln cracked his knuckles. “I don’t think so.”

“You really think you can battle one who has taken on the Star Warriors of Vegon, and thrashed them one by one?” Serperior made a motion that looked like he was raising an eyebrow, but being as he didn’t have any, it was hard to tell.

Lincoln laughed. “I don’t know about any star warriors, but I once had to take on a whole island of snakes whilst tracking down Confederate steambots during a secret mission in 1863. Let’s just say I’m familiar with beating up serpents.”

“Very well,” Serperior nodded. “I gave you fair warning, but it appears I must teach you a lesson.”

“Then maybe I’ll have to teach you a greater lesson,” Abe retorted.

“Ah, but your lesson will just be an addendum to my greater lesson plan.”

“Well perhaps your lesson plan will just be a small part of my syllabus.”

“Maybe so, or maybe your syllabus will…um…will be a…a…”

“You can’t think of anything, can you?”

“Shut up, yes I can!”

“Then what will my syllabus be?”

“It will be…a…a…” Serperior sighed. “You’re right, I can’t think of anything. But you know what I can think of? Your death!”

Abe sneered. “As I once heard General Grant say to Admiral Porter during a particularly harsh game of Cabinet Backgammon, ‘you mess with Abraham Lincoln, you in for a world of hurt’.

Without any more words, the two lunged at each other. The fight had begun.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The Serpent of Space

Abraham Lincoln was maxing and relaxing in his new Log Cabin of Solitude, whiling away the time before his next awesome adventure. His recently-installed hot tub was certainly helping him to take it easy, the bubbles gently loosening up his ripped, manly body. As he sank deeper into the tub, he turned over to feel his thick abdominal muscles getting massaged by the bubbling water. I threw that in so the female readers could have something nice to think about tonight. You’re welcome, ladies.

Before Abe could move down to his pectoral muscles (you’re welcome for that too), the shrill sound of the signal watch screeched from the side of the tub. With a hefty sigh, Lincoln reached out and grabbed the offending timepiece.

“What’s the trouble, Commissioner?” he asked.

“Oh, nothing too major Lincoln,” said the Commissioner. “At least, not for a man of your talents. Only it appears a giant meteor is headed straight for the Earth. If you could just punch it out of the way for us, it would be a big help.”

“Happy to oblige, Comissioner. Let me just get dressed and I’ll get right on it.”

“Sure, sure…although do you really need to get dressed? It’s not like anyone can see you, after all. No one’s going to be looking at you in space, are they?”

“I’d rather not take that risk, old chum,” said Abe, pulling himself out of the tub. “Besides, it’s pretty chilly out in space, you know. You don’t want me to catch a cold, do you? In fact, I think I’d better put on a scarf, or some gloves maybe, just in case.”

“Oh, well obviously your health is very important to me Lincoln,” the Commissioner explained. “Very much so. Only, it really is a very big meteor, twice the size of the Moon in fact, and it’s heading for us rather rapidly. So if you could shake a leg a little bit, maybe just go tackle it right now, that would really help us out.”

“I understand, Commissioner,” Abe reassured his old friend, slipping on his boxer shorts. “No scarf or gloves. I’ll just get my suit on and be on my way.”

“…Yeah, again, if it’s not too much trouble, perhaps you could dispense with putting the whole suit on, just to speed things along, for it is, and I feel this needs reiterating, a really big meteor travelling really fast.”

“Of course, I get you. No bow tie then,” Lincoln put his trousers on.

“Definitely no bow tie. I’m so glad you understand me. And perhaps, if it’s not too much to ask, no jacket, no waistcoat, and perhaps no shirt. Or shoes and socks. Pretty much how you are now, in fact, would be perfect.”

Lincoln sighed. “Oh, very well. But if I come down with a case of the sniffles, I’m going to take as many sick days as I’m allowed to get over it.”

“That seems fair. And again, greatly appreciated. Thank you.”

But the Commissioner’s words were wasted, as Abe had already flown up through the (thankfully) open skylight into the stars above, leaving the signal watch many thousands of miles below.

Once he’d reached a safe distance from Earth, to avoid any meteorites destroying hydroelectric dams or the like, Lincoln stood waiting for the giant meteor. It turned out the Commissioner had been exaggerating somewhat. The meteor was at most 1 and a half times as big as the Moon, and to describe its progress as rather rapid was overselling it a bit. ‘Pretty quickly’ would have been much more accurate.

Still, this just meant it would be easier to get rid of. As the meteor got closer and closer to our hero, Abe wound up his fist ready to lay into the icy rock. Closer it came…closer…closer…

KA-SHAMOOCH!

That, for those who don’t recognise it, is the sound of a meteor exploding upon coming into contact with a fist of justice. It is an overwhelming sound, to say the least.

Still, that took care of that. Pieces of the meteor flew everywhere, finding their path to nearby planets as they became nothing more than common meteorites. Another fine job well done, thought Lincoln, as obviously there was no way to talk to himself in the vacuum of space. Now to head back to that hot tub.

But before Lincoln could get away, he noticed something strange about the meteor. Although the majority of it had broken off, there was still a large collection of rock floating in front of him, in a strange oval shape. As he observed it, the rock slowly cracked open to reveal…well, Abe wasn’t sure what it was. A long, silver, fanged serpentine form came out of the newly-cracked meteor, slinking its way into a spiral shape before his very eyes. It opened its wide reptilian eyes and seemingly surveyed its surroundings, before finally it opened its mouth.

“I…am…free!”

Well folks, our hero doesn’t often make mistakes, but even I have to say that this was one big old folly he just took part in. Or, to put it another way, we do be screwed!

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 5

Lincoln had spared no expense when building the log cabin. Sporting a fully solar powered heating and electricity system, this environmentally friendly (except, you know, for all those trees that were cut down to make it) habitat was full of the latest modern conveniences he had been reading up on, such as washing machines, power showers and a plasma screen TV. He hadn’t even known plasma could be used in TVs! The future was incredible.

“Alright boys, I’m going to go test out the recliner chairs,” said Abe. “You give me a few minutes to relax, then give me the biggest scare of your life! OK?”

“No man,” said Gary. “Shouldn’t we give the biggest scare of your life? I mean, you’re the one that has to be scared.”

“Yeah, I mean, it’s no good us getting scared,” Doug agreed. “We’re the ones that have to do the scaring.”

Lincoln sighed. “Fine, whatever. Just give me a few minutes and then scare the living daylights out of me, alright?”

“Ok, Mr. Bearded Dude!” said the Terror Twins. Probably not at the same time. That would require a lot of coordination.

Lincoln inspected the inside of the cabin, which more than lived up to his expectations. He’d gone for a one room affair, just like in his youth, but the large amount of space allowed him to set up everything in its own little place. Living area, kitchen area, sleeping area…all the domestic areas were covered.

He sat down on the rich, Corinthian leather recliner he’d picked up at an antique sale on the way back to Antarctica. It felt pretty nice, though perhaps was a bit much. After all, while he’d made a lot of effort to ensure that the boys’ scare attempt would be as authentic as possible, it wasn’t as if the house had any practical value beyond that. Not many people wanted a house in the middle of Antarctica.

Lost in his thoughts as Lincoln was, he at first didn’t notice the ectoplasmic goo appearing on the wall in front of him. Once the terrible smell of brimstone reached his nostrils though, he realised the boys were ready to scare him. Nonchalantly he whistled to himself, trying to act as if he hadn’t seen anything.

“Wooooooo!” came Gary’s spooky voice, echoing throughout the cabin.

“Woooooo!” came Doug’s voice, which had improved significantly since his earlier attempts.

“Oh dear, what could that be?” asked Abe innocently. “Could those ghostly moanings give me any cause for alarm?”

“You bet they could!”

“In fact they should!”

“For terror, you see…”

“Is now upon thee!”

“Get ready to run.”

“Get ready to fear.”

“Because your doom—“

“Is finally here!”

Abe nodded in appreciation of their rhyming skills. It was too bad these boys were so hell-bent on being spooky ghosts. They would have done quite well on the poetry circuit.

“Oh no, what’s a-happening? Who are you vile demons who plague me so?” he said in a voice that he hoped sounded terrified.

“I am…Spectre Overlord!”

“And I am…the Grim Darkness.”

“The ghastly sensations, sweeping the nations!”

“Known and feared by mortal men as…”

THE TERROR TWINS!

Now that was a nice touch. The log fire had even been blown out by the ghostly emanations.

“Oh dear, not the Terror Twins!” he gasped. “Oh my stars! I am on the edge of sanity! I certainly hope they don’t do one big scare to frighten me out my wits.”

There was nothing for a while, and then…

“BOOOO!”

Doug and Gary appeared in front of Lincoln, waving their hands around, looking about as scary as a fish in a cat factory. Abe could hardly believe it. All that build up for this? This act of jellyfish-like wiggling? But enough was enough. He wasn’t willing to give them a second attempt.

“Egad! Oh, what a horrible shock! My wits have left me! My heart is pounding! Oh, I am so scared I think I shall go into a coma! Farewell!”

And with that fine bit of acting, he pretended to lose consciousness.

“We did it! We did it!” Doug clapped.

“We really did!” Gary shouted in triumph. “This is the start of a whole new chapter for the Terror Twins!”

“Bye beard dude!” Dig waved respectfully. “We have to go get our great reward now.”

“Yeah, sorry we scared you so badly,” Gary nodded. “But hey, you are on righteous dude.”

A bright light surrounded the creepy kids as, with one last high five, they went on to receive their reward.

When he was quite sure the coast was clear, Lincoln opened his eyes and took a look around the new ghost-free domicile. Well, Antarctica was once again safe from spectres, and all the penguins could relax and eat fish in peace. Now all that was left to do was tear down this unnecessary house.

And yet…as Lincoln saw the fruits of his labours, and compared it to the broom cupboard he had waiting for him at WIPE headquarters, he came to a conclusion that many of us have already realised—sleeping in a broom cupboard is a terrible idea!

He quickly pressed a button on his signal watch. “Come in, Commissioner. Come in, Commissioner.”

“Reading you loud and clear, Lincoln,” came the baritone voice of the Commissioner. “How’s that mission coming along?”

“Mission complete, old chum. The penguins can sleep safe once more. Oh, and I have more good news. I think I may have found a new place to live.”

And now my friends, you know the origin of the Log Cabin of Solitude. So let no one say you didn’t accomplish something spectacular today.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 4

A short time later, the two ghosts were sitting on piles of ice, that being the only material available to make furniture from. It’s not very recommendable to make your furniture from ice. I would advise using leather and wood, if they are available.

“So where do you think that bearded guy went to, Gary?” asked Doug.

“I dunno, man. One minute he’s all, ‘I think I can help you out’, then he’s all like, whoosh! Gotta tell you, if this is his idea of helping, it’s not a very good idea.”

“Yeah, like, he needs to look in a dictionary and find out what it actually means,” Doug nodded. “Unless his dictionary is broken.”

“Don’t be an idiot, Doug,” Gary scoffed. “How can a dictionary be broken? Oh, unless it’s like an electric dictionary, I guess.”

“Dude, can you get electric dictionaries?”

“I dunno. I guess. I mean, pretty much everything is electric these days.”

“Not true, man!” Doug pointed out. “You can’t get electric ghosts.”

“Dude, that’s a sweet idea!” Gary grinned. “If we were electric ghosts, we’d totally get some respect in the ghost world. We’d be haunting castles and stalking people in no time!”

“Yeah!” Doug chimed in. “Oh, but wait, we don’t have any electricity. How are we gonna get electric?”

“True. Aw man, I wish we had some electricity. Then we could be finally show those stuffy old steam powered ghosts what the score is,” Gary smacked his fist.

“Are ghosts made out of steam, dude?”

“Yeah, maybe. I dunno. But still, if only we had some electricity.”

“You won’t have to wait much longer, my youthful wraith friend,” said a friendly voice from above. The ghosts looked up to see Abraham Lincoln floating above them, carrying a large burlap sack.

“Hey man, where’ve you been?” asked Gary.

Abe apologised for the long delay, and explained where he’d been.

“Let me explain where I’ve been,” he said (See? Told you!). “You see, it seems the me the most obvious way to get you two on your way to the great beyond, is to let you haunt me in a residential setting. That way you’ll be able to prove yourselves as ghosts and stop bothering my penguin friends.

Unfortunately though, I’m sort of between houses at the moment. I briefly considered taking back the White House, but that doesn’t seem very fair to the current President. Fortunately for you, back when I was your age, or possibly younger, I had a bit of experience building houses. You had to back then you see, on account of the fact that you never knew when your property title was going to become faulty. Problem is, I’m a log cabin guy myself, and there aren’t any trees or heck, any kind of vegetation in these parts. So I had to go find myself some logs.”

We interrupt this narrative to point out that foam is also an important part of furniture. You may continue now.

“That’s a great story, dude-in-a-suit,” said Doug. “But what’s in the big bag?”

“Oh come now child, surely you’re not as dumb as you look.”

Lincoln emptied out the contents of the bag onto the icy ground below. A generator, solar cells, some plumbing devices, a central heating system, a fancy-looking coffee maker, and lots and lots of logs. Like, seriously, you wouldn’t believe how many logs came out of that bag. Frankly I think it stretches belief.

“Ohhh,” said Gary, who was undoubtedly the smarter of the two. “So you’re gonna build a new house for us to haunt! Thanks, dude!”

“No problem, son. Now just give me some time to get everything up and running,” Abe cracked his knuckles.

“How long do you think it’ll take?” Gary asked.

“Hmm, well let’s see now. Fortunately building a cabin is like riding a bicycle, you never really lose the knack. Mind you, it used to take a fair bit of time back in the day, and I have to admit I’m a little rusty at it. But with these new Lincoln powers of mine…I’d say…”

Lincoln dashed towards the logs and quickly set to work, a sonic boom showing just how fast he was going (faster than sound, for those who failed physics). It looked like there were multiple Lincolns all working on the cabin, as the pile of logs decreased ever more by the second. In time, the boiler, radiators, generator, solar cells, and all the other accoutrements Abe had gathered seemingly disappeared, though really they were just being installed in the house. Finally, the blur that was Lincoln slowed down to admire his handiwork, a mansion of a log cabin with all the trimmings.

“One minute 36 seconds,” he finished, smiling.

“Hey, I’m not dumb,” said Doug, thus proving a point.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 3

Before Lincoln appeared two slightly transparent, slightly pale-looking youths. One was tall and gangly, wearing a backwards baseball cap and what appeared to be a basketball jersey that was several sizes too large. The other was short and stocky, with little tufts of what could be considered a beard emerging from his chin. Although Lincoln had never actually seen them before, he knew straight away what they had to be.

“Why, you’re nothing but a pair of teenagers!”

“Hey, back off man!” the taller one made a rude gesture. “We’re not teenagers. We’re hundreds of years old!”

“Yeah,” the shorter one nodded. “We’re probably older than you, old man!”

“I seriously doubt that,” Lincoln snorted. “I’m a 19^th Century man myself, and I don’t think those fashions were around before my time.”

“Hey man, just because we’re dead doesn’t mean we don’t keep up with fashion,” the taller one showed off his jersey proudly.

“You tell him Gary!” the shorter one motioned for a high five.

“Dude, what did I tell you? No real names during a haunting!”

“Oh, sorry bro.”

“Dude, don’t say bro! You’re gonna ruin our street cred here. You can’t be a scary spook spectacular with names like Gary and Doug, and you can’t be an abominable apparition if you use words like ‘bro’!”

“Pardon me,” Lincoln interrupted. “But surely if you want street cred, you’d be better off finding it in a street. Not the middle of an icy wasteland.”

“I think he’s got us there, bro,” said the fatter one.

 “Shut up! No way has he got us! Who does he think he is,  all up on getting street cred anyway? Mr. 19^th Century over here, with your long coat and your tall hat. What do you know about anything? How dare you try to nark our haunting jam? Well you’re gonna regret messing with us!”

“Ooh, is it time for our number?”

“Yeah man, just like we rehearsed it.”

The two ghosts performed some fake-looking karate moves for Lincoln’s bemusement.

“I am…Spectre Overlord!”

“And I am…the Grim Darkness.”

“The ghastly sensations, sweeping the nations!”

“Known and feared by mortal men as…”

The ghosts finished back to back, lips pouting, arms crossed in a manner that would possible be referred to as ‘streetwise’.

“The Terror Twins!”

They held the pose for a while, clearly waiting for Lincoln’s approval.

“Well…” he tried to think of a tactful way to reveal his thoughts. “It’s not the worst performance I’ve ever seen. I mean, I once had the displeasure of watching Edward Bates cut a rug at my cabinet’s Christmas social. However, I’m afraid I couldn’t recommend it to my friends. The choreography was uninspired, the names feel like you’re trying too hard, you’re not even twins so your gimmick makes no sense, and while I liked the rhyming of sensations and nations, I struggle to believe it given that you’ve limited yourselves to spooking penguins in the middle of nowhere.”

The Terror Twins looked abashed.

“No offense, but he makes some good points Gary…I mean Spectre Overlord, ” said the Grim Darkness, who Abe assumed was really named Doug.

“Aww,” said Gary sadly. “I guess you got a point, man. But it’s really hard to get a good place to haunt these days. All the good spots are taken. Even most of the bad spots!”

“Yeah, all we get is the lame spots, like here,” Doug looked around. “But it’s this or nothing, you know?”

“Then perhaps it’s time to pack in this haunting nonsense, boys,” Lincoln tried to pat their shoulders in a friendly way, his hands passing right through. “Maybe try something more useful, like lumberjacking, or high wire vaulting,” he continued, a little embarrassed at his faux pas.

“But tall bearded dude, we’re ghosts!” Gary argued. “We can’t jack lumber, or vault wires. All we know how to do is scare.”

“Yeah, and if we don’t scare, we’ll never pass over to the other side. Everyone knows a ghost needs to make one successful haunting before they can pass on,” Doug handily provided some exposition for Lincoln.

“That’s as may be, my young ghoulies,” said Abe, in an attempt to sound hip, “But is scaring local penguins really the right way to go about it?”

“What are we supposed to do, hatty man?” Doug asked. “We never get any good places to haunt. We gotta work with what we’ve got.”

“Yeah, all we need is one house, just the chance to occupy one house,” Gary kicked at some ice, a move made even more pathetic by the fact his foot went straight through it and almost caused him to fall over. “Then we’d really be able to show our stuff.”

“Wait just a minute,” a look of brilliance came over Lincoln’s face. “Are you telling me that if you had a house to haunt, you could stop bothering these beautiful birds and pass on to your final reward?”

“You’re on our frequency, dude,” they nodded.

Abe gave a great big smile. “Then I think I can help you out.”

Oh man! I wonder what Lincoln’s going to do. More importantly, I wonder what happened to my sandwich. It was here a minute ago. I think I’m the victim of sandwich theft. Make sure you lock yours in a Tupperware box.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 2

Flying faster than an ordinary person, Abe navigated the friendly skies relatively free of hassle. There was a small incident with a plane full of snake creatures, but that was dealt with quickly and mostly painlessly. There’s a small jungle in Peru that you probably want to stay away from, as it’s now populated by angry, plane-less snake creatures, but it’s unlikely you’re going to find it anyway.

From the frost that was forming on his all-American beard, Lincoln surmised that he had reached Antarctica. Carefully rolling up his sleeve, making sure that the face of the Commissioner wasn’t going to peek out at him, he checked the co-ordinates of these phantom menaces.

A sudden squawk of scaredyness emanated from across the icy plains, and Abe realised he wouldn’t be needing those coordinates after all. Following the terrified bird noises, he levitated his way into the middle of a herd of penguins. That may not be the real collective name for penguins. That’s your homework for today. Go find out what it is, and then pat yourselves for learning some trivial knowledge today.

“What’s the matter, my penguin pals?” Lincoln asked, lowering himself to the ice below.

“Awk awk awwwk!” said a penguin, which made Abe instantly realise his folly.

“I’m sorry, my not-so-feathered friends, I’m afraid I don’t speak your unique tongue. Is there any way you can translate for me?”

“You won’t need translations when we’re done with you,” came a spooky voice. “Because we’re going to scare you out of your wits, and then you won’t be smart enough to appreciate the translation.”

“I think you oversold it, Gary,” said another, not-quite-as-spooky voice.

“Shut up, Doug!” said the spookier voice angrily. “And don’t call me Gary when we’re performing. Now prepare yourself, mortal, for a sight most chilling!”

“I don’t think I need things to be further chilled, thank you,” said Abe, looking around for the source of these voices. “Now show yourselves if you dare, you cowardly custards!”

“Hey man, we’re not custards! I mean, woooooo! Get ready for the eeriest sight anyone has ever seen. Prepare to gaze upon…the pole-tergeists!”

“Do you get it?” said the second, not-really-spooky-at-all voice. “Pole-tergeists. Like poltergeists, but with pole in it, ‘cos we’re at the South Pole.”

“Yes, regrettably I do get it,” Lincoln sighed.

“Oh, it’s just, you didn’t laugh, so I thought maybe you needed it explaining.”

“Yes, thank you, I’m not a total idiot. Are you two going to show yourselves or not?”

“Very well,” said the rather spooky voice. “Gaze upon the otherworldly horror that is…the Pole-tergeists!”

“Still not funny.”

“Hey, shut up! Ok, here we go!”

Man, I hope this is leading somewhere. I’m going to go get a sandwich. I encourage you to do the same.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-The South Pole-tergeists. Part 1

“Muwahahahaha! I, John Wilkes Booth, will now shoot my giant gun at the entire world!”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!”

“Abraham Lincoln! Oh no, my plans are foiled!”

“You bet they are! Lincoln punch!”

“Oh no, I am the deads!”

“Rest in peace, you sanctimonious southerner.”

“Oh Lincoln, you’re my hero.”

“Ah ha ha! It was nothing, Mary Todd. Now what’s say we take a holiday in Barbados?”

“I’d love to, my powerful president of pectorals. But first I have to give you your reward for being such a great husband, my knight in shining armour.”

“Why Mary…you’re not going to…”

“That’s right, lover. Tonight the whole girdle comes off.”

“Oh Mary!”

“Oh Abey!”

“Oh Mary!”

Abraham Lincoln was rudely awakened from this dream by the sound of a shrill buzzing noise. After giving himself a moment to fully awaken, he looked around to locate the source of the terrible tone. Curiously, it seemed to be emanating from a watch that was by Lincoln’s side. Puzzled, the righteous railsplitter picked up the timepiece and started pushing the buttons that surrounded it.

“Ah, there you are Lincoln,” came a familiar voice, as the head of the Commissioner appeared over the watch’s face. “Glad to see the signal watch is working properly.”

“The…signal watch?” Abe asked, not sure if he was actually still dreaming. If he was, he really didn’t care for this change in direction.

“Yes, you remember. I gave it to you last night.”

“You neglected to tell me it was a signal watch.”

“I did?” the Commissioner frowned.

“Afraid so, old chum. I thought it was just an ordinary watch.”

“I’m pretty sure I told you it was a signal watch.”

“You really didn’t. In fact, you didn’t so much as hint.”

“Oh whatever. The point is, this will allow me to contact you whenever we need you to go on a highly dangerous mission. Or a lowly dangerous mission. Any kind of mission really. It also lets me see you wherever you are, so if you were, say, out shopping for paints and couldn’t decide which shade of orange looked better, I could help out.”

“An unlikely scenario, Commissioner,” said Lincoln, who had always been more interested in cooler colours like blue and purple. “But I’ll be sure to keep it in mind. So, what’s the emergency?”

“Oh, nothing serious. Really I just wanted to test out the watch. Isn’t it neat?”

“It’s pretty nice alright, though I’m not sure I care for the fact you can potentially see me at all times. Also, I wish you hadn’t tested it at 7.30am on a Saturday. I need my rest, you know.”

“Ah, right, sorry about that Lincoln. Also sorry we couldn’t score you some better digs.”

“Eh?”

“Forgive my modern slang, my historic homie. I meant, I’m sorry we couldn’t get you a better place to sleep.”

“Fear not, Commissioner, I’m used to sleeping rough. Compared to my childhood days on the cold, dirt floor of the family cabin, the broom cupboard on the 5^th floor is a palace.”

“Yes, the 5^th Floor Storage Facility for Dynamic Sanitation Tools is especially roomy, isn’t it? We’ll have to find you somewhere better soon though.”

“Oh believe me, this will be fine.”

“Lincoln, it’s a broom cupboard. You deserve better.”

“No need to make a fuss, I can manage.”

“You don’t even have a bed Lincoln, you’re sleeping on a pile of mops.”

“It’s surprisingly comfortable. I even fashioned a makeshift blanket out of these old lemon wipes. Now I sleep to the great smell of old citrus.”

“Oh, speaking of blankets, I just remembered! I do in fact have a mission for you,” the Commissioner beamed.

“Fantastic, though I hope it’s not having to go against an army of sentient blankets or anything like that.”

“Nothing so fanciful, Lincoln. It’s actually a mission to investigate and take out a gaggle of ghosts in Antarctica.”

“…And why did blankets remind you of ghosts, Commissioner?” Lincoln raised an eyebrow.

“Well you know, ghosts. Like a kid cutting two holes in a blanket and being a ghost for Halloween.”

“As I recall friend, you were supposed to do that with sheets, not blankets.”

“Really? Fascinating. No wonder my mother always gave me grief in November. Well in any event, we’ve had reports that a bunch of no good ghosts have been scaring residents of the Antarctic region. Get over there and see what all the fuss is about.”

“I’m on it Commissioner, just give me a bit of time to get ready. By the way, how many people actually live in the Antarctic? It doesn’t seem the most hospitable of places.”

“Actually, you’re right. No humans live there, it’s quite the place of solitude. But we have some penguins on our payroll in case anything ever goes on down there, and it appears we’ve hit paydirt.”

Lincoln shook his head disbelievingly. It never ceased to amaze him how prepared WIPE was in the battle against evil. “Very good, Commissioner, I’ll be there once I’m fully dressed. Lincoln out.”

Lincoln pushed a button on the watch, then started to put on his work clothes. Which were also his play clothes, because he had in fact only been given one outfit since returning to the living. Next time he had chance, he would have to consult a tailor.

“Oh darn,” the gangly crusader mildly cursed as he finished buttoning up. “I should have asked the Commissioner whereabouts in the Antarctic I’d need to go.”

“Don’t worry Lincoln, I’ve uploaded the coordinates to your watch,” said the timepiece.

“Commissioner? You’re still there?”

“You didn’t actually turn off the watch, pal. I’ve been here watching the whole time you were getting dressed.”

There was a very awkward pause.

“I think I’m going to go now, Commissioner.”

“That would be for the best. Over and out.”

The screen reverted back to an ordinary clock face. Still, Lincoln made sure to cover the watch with his sleeve as he set off towards Antarctica.