Lincoln gazed in astonishment as the large silver serpent writhed and twisted its body, becoming visibly looser as it did so. With each turn, it stretched itself out further and further, expanding foot by foot as it began to reassert control of itself.
“Is this to be the only witness to my return?” it asked, not in the large, booming voice Lincoln was expecting, but in a low, calm, almost-British tone. “After the many years of imprisonment, only this small creature is present for my emergence from that wretched rock? How disappointing. How very disappointing.”
Abe wasn’t sure what was happening, but he readied his fists just in case.
“You may speak, tiny one,” the creature continued. “My mighty powers will allow for telepathic communication. I shall be able to hear your every word, as you will hear mine.”
“Who…or what are you?” Lincoln asked the strange, snake-like creature. It slithered around until it came face to face with him.
“Where am I, little creature?” it asked.
“I asked you first,” Abe stood his ground, which is hard to do when you’re in space. “Who are you, and what do you mean by charging at Earth in that icy missile?”
“’Erf’?” the space snake put the tip of its tail to its face, in an almost quizzical manner. “I have never heard of this ‘Erf’. I must be far out from my home. You, little thing! Tell me the way to Erxkijag.”
“One second there, Mr. Snake,” Lincoln frowned, getting rather annoyed at being treated in such a manner. “You waltz your way over to our planet in your meteor and nearly destroy us all, and then you have the gall to start making demands of me? I don’t know what kind of uncivilised planet you come from sir, but where I’m from, we have a little word called ‘please’.”
“How dare you, you impudent little ion?” the space snake arched its back. “Do you know with whom you’re speaking to?”
“I would know, if you’d have the common courtesy to answer my question. Now who are you, and what do you mean by nearly ramming into good old Mother Earth?”
“My name is Serperior!” the cosmic reptile announced, doing a little twist as if to make a bigger deal out of it. “And I have no quarrel with you or your planet-sized mother, unless you would wish to make an enemy of me by continuing your disrespectful ways!”
Lincoln tried to regain his composure. “Rest assured sir, I am not by nature a man to start an argument. But I must declare your brash and abrasive nature to be rubbing against my very last nerve. Now I ask again, state your reasons for coming to this part of the universe, or I shall be forced to lose my temper.”
“Oooh, I’m so scared,” Serperior mockingly made his slithery self shiver. “The little particle thing is threatening me. Oh no, whatever shall I do? Perhaps he’ll hit me with his tiny fist and give me a little bruise. Oh, however will I survive the onslaught? Maybe his big blue and green mother will come and give me a telling off. Oooh, I’m shaking all oveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.”
The elongated word in that sentence was due to the cosmic chordate being on the business end of an All-American punch, courtesy of Abraham Lincoln’s fist of justice, which propelled it backwards through the vacuum of space.
“How’s that for a tiny bruise?” Abe smirked.
The serpent reared its head and burrowed its gaze into Lincoln’s face. “You’re more powerful than you appear, little one. But no one who faces Serperior gets lucky twice.”
“Now listen up, you silver menace,” Abe raised a finger at Serperior (No, not the middle one. He does have some class, you know). “You come here to my home, nearly destroy it in the process, start making fun of my size, don’t even have the decency to offer an apology, crack wise about my planet and then think you can mock me?”
Lincoln cracked his knuckles. “I don’t think so.”
“You really think you can battle one who has taken on the Star Warriors of Vegon, and thrashed them one by one?” Serperior made a motion that looked like he was raising an eyebrow, but being as he didn’t have any, it was hard to tell.
Lincoln laughed. “I don’t know about any star warriors, but I once had to take on a whole island of snakes whilst tracking down Confederate steambots during a secret mission in 1863. Let’s just say I’m familiar with beating up serpents.”
“Very well,” Serperior nodded. “I gave you fair warning, but it appears I must teach you a lesson.”
“Then maybe I’ll have to teach you a greater lesson,” Abe retorted.
“Ah, but your lesson will just be an addendum to my greater lesson plan.”
“Well perhaps your lesson plan will just be a small part of my syllabus.”
“Maybe so, or maybe your syllabus will…um…will be a…a…”
“You can’t think of anything, can you?”
“Shut up, yes I can!”
“Then what will my syllabus be?”
“It will be…a…a…” Serperior sighed. “You’re right, I can’t think of anything. But you know what I can think of? Your death!”
Abe sneered. “As I once heard General Grant say to Admiral Porter during a particularly harsh game of Cabinet Backgammon, ‘you mess with Abraham Lincoln, you in for a world of hurt’.
Without any more words, the two lunged at each other. The fight had begun.
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