Abraham Lincoln was strapped down to a block of ice inside a dank and desolate cavern in the Himalayas, with a giant snowball dangling dangerously over him whilst a maniacal and bespectacled man in a lab coat watched on. In other words, it was a fairly typical day for the rail splitter.
“Muwahahahahahahahaha!” cackled the lab coat wearing fiend. “I’m afraid there’s snow hope for you now, Lincoln! Once I pull this lever, the giant Snowball of Doom will fall on top of you, thus ending your miserable existence once and for all! Then there’ll be snow one to stop me from turning the world into a giant ice cube! Muwahahahahahahahaha!”
“Just what do you think you’re playing at, Dr. Blizzardo?” asked an annoyed Abe. “What will you achieve by turning the world into a giant ice cube?”
“Reverse global warming, of course,” Dr. Blizzardo beamed brilliantly. “For too long have the people of the world harmed the beauty of the snow and frost by allowing the Earth to get ever warmer. Soon the ice caps won’t even exist anymore! But I, Dr. Blizzardo, will use my mighty Ice Cannon to put the world into another ice age, thus ensuring that our world stays safe for coldness forever!”
Lincoln shook his head. “Your intentions may be noble doctor, but it’s pretty obvious you’re an insane looney! Looks like I’ll have to put a stop to your villainous scheme once and for all.”
“And how do you propose to do that, you pathetic president?” Dr. Blizzardo sneered. “When all I have to do is pull this lever and crush you under a pile of Super Cold Snow, ending your activities forever! You may have been a match for my Snow Warriors—“
“You mean the snowmen?”
“Yes the snowmen! You may have destroyed every one of them, but we’ll see how you fare against my ultimate death trap! Farewell, Lincoln. It was ice to know you!”
With another sinister laugh, Dr. Blizzardo pulled the lever, letting the giant snowball fall from the cave ceiling above down onto our hero. With a mighty THWUMP, the snowball completely covered the Great Emancipator. Oh no! How’s Lincoln going to get out of this one?
Quite easily! For, much to Doctor Blizzardo’s surprise, Abe rose up from the ice slab virtually unharmed.
“Impossible!” the doctor cried. “There was snow way you could have survived that! How did you manage to get freeze from my trap?”
“Simple, really. One, your giant snowball fell maybe 4 feet at most. There was never any chance it was going to actually hurt me.”
Blizzardo cursed. “I knew I should have raised it higher, but it was just so heavy!”
“And two, I was only strapped down with woolly scarves. Nice though they were, wool isn’t the best material to keep someone tied down with. Truth be told I could have escaped at any time, but I wanted to give you a sporting chance.”
“Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!” the doctor shook his fist impotently. “That’s snow fair! This is an ice way to end my scheme indeed! You leave me snow choice but to chill you with my Ice Cannon! I’ll snow you snow mercy, you lousy legislator! I won’t let you put me on ice! If you’ll forgive my cold reception—“
Dr. Blizzardo was quickly shut up by a sock to the chin, courtesy of Abe’s Left Fist of Justice, thus ending his pathetic reign of terror and onslaught of puns. He then turned the Ice Cannon onto its creator, trapping him within a man-sized ice cube.
“Well that takes care of that,” he said, smashing the Ice Cannon into tiny pieces. It was then that he heard the familiar sound of his Signal Watch.
“Reading you loud and clear, Commissioner.”
“Ah, Lincoln, good to see you. How’s your little excursion to the Himalayas going?”
“Very nicely, thank you. It’s pretty relaxing over here, nothing too diabolical to speak of. Thanks for setting me up with those snowboarding lessons, I think I’m really getting the hang of it. Oh, and I’m now leader of a Yeti tribe, would you believe?”
“A fascinating story Lincoln, and one I hope to hear someday. But right now I’m afraid we’ve got an emergency on our hands.”
“What’s the problem, old chum?”
“We’ve had reports of violence on the high seas, Lincoln. Merchant ships and luxury cruises have been attacked about 13 miles off the coast of Morocco. It’s a strange case-the hulls of the boats just seem to suddenly riddled with holes, like a delicious Swiss cheese, with no evidence to suggest who could have done such a thing. At first we thought it might be pirates, but eyewitnesses have made mention of underwater vessels leaving the scene of the crime. We think the culprit or culprits might be more sub-aquatic than we first thought. Get in there and see what you can find.”
“Roger, Commissioner. I’ll be there in a jiffy. Lincoln out.”
After giving the ice-bound Dr. Blizzardo to the authorities, Abe set out towards Morocco, wondering what strange new menace he’d encounter under the sea. Under the sea. Deadly crustaceans, or strange machinations, under the sea.
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