The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 7

Lincoln dived at the mechanical crab, placing his Fist of Justice right into its mandibles. I used to know a girl called Mandy Bulls. Perhaps they're related. The punch seemed to have little effect though-the crab smacked Lincoln aside with a swipe of its claw. Abe crashed into the seabed, rose, and went in for a second attack. This time the crab grabbed him between its claw, clamping down and squeezing our railsplitting protagonist. Lincoln struggled against it with all his might, but the claws were just too powerful.

"Can't debate your way outta dis one, eh Lincoln?" Aqua Pone sneered. "My buddy here's gonna make ya like chopped sardines!"

It was no use-Lincoln had been underwater a long time, and the pressures of the sea were taking effect on his body. The effort needed just to wade around in such depths was sapping his last reserves of strength. If he couldn't escape the robo-crab's grip soon, he would be split in twain. Wait...twain! That was it! He'd been reading up on American literature since his resurrection, and there might just be a valuable lesson from Tom Sawyer that he could use in this situation.

"Go ahead, Aqua Pone," Lincoln smiled. "Keep squeezing away. This is great fun!"

"Huh?" the crime boss was so confused that his cigarette fell from his mouth and floated upwards to the surface. "Whatta ya talking about, ya palooka? How's dat meant to be fun?"

"Well I tell you, it's powerful fun. This claw's perfectly aligned with the layout of my spine. I'm getting quite the chiropractic treatment. It's fantastic!"

"Is dat so?" Aqua Pone considered the situation. "Well den, maybe I'll just let ya go!"

"Oh no, I insist. Keep squeezing!" Lincoln tried not to show the abject pain running down his back.

"Oh no, I ain't gonna help ya out!" Aqua Pone pressed the button to release the crab's hold. Lincoln took this opportunity to lunge at the crime boss, tossing him away from the control panel. The mechanical crab flumped sadly to the ground as Aqua Pone landed face first into a nearby bank.

"Attempting a bank robbery at a time like this?" Lincoln quipped, grabbing the prone Pone by the legs. "Looks like 30 years in the slammer should cool you off."

Spinning the incapacitated gangster around by the legs, Lincoln waited until he was quite dizzy before letting go, tossing the crime boss into a conveniently located nearby prison. The fish police's handcuffs were slapped on Aqua Pone's wrist before he even had time to snarl.

"You win dis round, Lincoln!" shouted the fishy fiend as he was herded off to a cell. "But ya ain't heard da last a' me, ya hear? I still got my sub out dere somewhere, and you're gonna hear from me, you just wait and seeeeee!"

"Speaking of sea," said the judge, in a nifty segue. "The entire ocean has you to thank, Mr. Lincoln, for finally putting an end to that maritime menace."

"Happy to do my part, your honour," Lincoln nodded. "The authorities can take it from here. Now if you'll excuse me, I haven't actually taken in any oxygen in hours. I'd better get to surface before oxygen deprivation makes my giraffes pedal to the pamplemousse! Blinking subwaaaaaaaaay!"

Thankfully our hero managed to make it back to the surface before he suffered any real brain damage. It seemed that for Mama Lincoln's boy, it was better to be above water than below it. And even though he was fairly sure Aqua Pone would make some massive jailbreak and come back to haunt him with that deadly submarine plot that went nowhere, he would find Abraham Lincoln waiting for him with a steaming bowl of tartar sauce. And a nice red wine. Or white. Whichever went with fish.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 6

One of the many differences between the world under the sea and the world on dry land is that it's remarkably easy to set up a trial. And so it was only a few hours before the underwater trial of the century began. Quite honestly, Lincoln was a little upset by the quickness. He'd expected time to be able to put a case together, but since leaving Aqua Pone's office, he'd only been able to find a few documents that had been at the bottom of the bins outside the speakeasy. Not much to go on at the best of times, especially when he was up against a jury that he had a nasty feeling had been bribed. Something about 12 people all wearing fancy new diamond watches and necklaces always made him suspect foul play.

Still, judge and jury were sat ready and waiting, so all that remained was to make his opening statement. Time to turn on the old Lincoln charm.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I admit I'm just a simple country boy, not up on your fine city ways. And it's true, I'm more comfortable on the defence table than the prosecutor's. Heck, I wish I was there right now, given how stacked against me this case is. But I aim to do everything I can to show you fine people that the defendant, Mr. Pone there...well folks, he's just not a nice man. Just really a bad person. Gosh, the things he's done...but all I ask is that you hear me out, and keep an open mind, and don't let fear or nerves or fancy new jewellery sway your opinion. Thank you."

Given how little evidence he had to go on, his best hope was that he could charm the jury into pleading guilty because they felt sorry for the poor prosecutor. Lincoln took a quick look at the jurors as the defense attorney took his place. They did look a little sympathetic towards him.

"Ladies and gentleman of the jury," the attorney began. "I ask you one question, and one question only. Does my client look like the kind of guy who'd commit a crime?"

The jury murmured loudly that, of course, such a respectful businessman would never commit a crime, and he looked very honest indeed, and who has this human who came down here and started causing trouble? 

"I rest my case," the attorney grinned, as Aqua Pone shot Lincoln with a vile sneer.

It was a fairly short trial, all in all. The defence saw no need to make any effort, no one had come forward to be a witness against the alleged notorious crime boss, and all Lincoln could really do was try and convince the jury that his stories were true. Even if they hadn't been bought off, he doubted they would have believed him. Without a single shred of evidence, he had no way of proving that anything he'd said wasn't just slander against a respectable business man. He'd even tried to bring up the speakeasy, but apparently that was perfectly legal in this subaquatic community.

"Well, it seems you don't really have a legal leg to stand on," said the judge, and harsh though he may be, Lincoln couldn't blame him. Even if he wasn't feeling woozy from not having a proper lungful of air for a while, there didn't seem to be any way to win this battle. Frantically, desperately, he rummaged through the documents he'd found in the bin. Maybe he could at least charge him with a misdemeanor of littering or something.

"What say you, Mr. Lincoln?" asked the judge, as Lincoln scoured through the forms. "Have you any closing remarks before I ask the jury to make their verdict?"

Abe looked at the papers as if for the first time. There it was. The answer had been there all along, in this rubbish.

"Just one, your honour," he smiled, holding up the documents. "I'd like to submit this evidence to the court. These are tax forms, your honour. Tax forms -that were meant to be filed this year. I found these tax forms in the waste container outside Mr. Pone's speakeasy. Your honour, I believe this proves that Mr. Pone has not paid his taxes this year."

"Yeah, so?" Aqua Pone chuckled. "No, I didn't pay my taxes. I never pay my taxes. I got half the government in my pocket, why should I pay any taxes? It's not a crime, is it?"

"Um, actually," the judge coughed. "It is indeed a crime, Mr. Pone. One that it seems you've just admitted to. So therefore, I'm afraid I don't have any choice but to...."

"Now hold your freakin' horses there, judgey!" Pone angrily rose to his webbed feet. "You're gonna try to convict me of tax evasion? After all the bad stuff I've done, all the rackets, the bootlegging, the bribing, the murderers, the ship sinking...you're gonna put me down for tax evasion? That ain't how it's going down, see? I ain't being put in jail because I didn't pay my stinking taxes!"

"Well, not now you're not," said the judge. "I mean, there's all those other crimes you just confessed to."

"Oh boo hoo hoo! Yeah, I'm a criminal, see? I'm the most notorious gangster in the seven seas, see? And I'm sick and tired of all this legal jazz now. I shoulda just done this in the first place."

He took out a mobile phone and dialled a number quickly.

"Alright boys, let 'er loose!" he called down the phone. "See ya, suckers!" he shouted as he ran from the courtroom.

"Stop that criminal!" shouted the judge after him.

"Don't worry your honour, I'm on the case!" cried Lincoln, charging after the fishy crime boss. Once he left the courtroom however, he was stunned to see Aqua Pone riding on the back of a giant mechanical crab.

"Surprised, Mr. Lawyer?" Pone screamed manically. "Let's see if ya can find a technicality to stop this beast!"

Well Lincoln fans, looks like Lincoln's swapped his legal battle for a physical battle. Which is probably for the best. That was the worst write up of a trial in history. Maybe that's why it's the trial of the century. Because it was so poor. Well, maybe the next one will be better. Besides, who wants legal issues when there are giant robot crabs to fight?! I think I know which one I'd prefer.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 5B

The three people who read this story blog, or stog, will be happy to know that my finger stopped bleeding and is now making a full recovery. What a crazy way to begin March, eh? Well, let's continue with the story. Last time, Lincoln had made a mistake. Let's get back to that.


"This is a toilet?" Lincoln took a look inside the room. Nothing but a row of urinals and toilet cubicles." If it was the office of an undersea crime lord, it was not very impressive. Unless that was just to throw him off the scent. Speaking of scent, ewww! Didn't these fish guys flush?


"Yes sir, this here's the finest kept terlet in all the seven seas," said the old fishman proudly. "I scrubs it up, I scrubs it down, I scrubs it side to side. You won't find a better terlet scrubber than I, no siree bob!"


Abe's cheeks went red with embarrassment. "I think I may have made quite a mistake here. You see, I thought this was where your boss was hanging out."


"In here?" the fish janitor pondered this. "Well, sometimes he's in here. 'Specially if he's had a little too much of the chilli special, if you get me."


"I'm afraid I do," Lincoln tried not to show his disgust.


"Why'd you think the boss'd be in here, anyway?" asked the old fishman. "You think he's some kinda toilet fiend?"


"No, not at all. I just--"


"'Cos I tell ya, I won't work for no toilet fiend."


"I'm sure you won't, it's just--"


"Any toilet fiends come in here, they get the other side of my plunger!"


"I'm not even sure what a toilet fiend is. I just assumed, with the iron door and all..."


The fish janitor laughed. "Oh my no, son. This here door's just for keeping in the smell. Lotta folks go for the chilli special, if you get me."


"Still do, sadly," Lincoln made a mental note never to try this chilli special. "Well, do you know where it is your boss is?"


"Why sure I do," the old fishman pointed to a fine mahogany door. "He'll be in his office, where he usually is."


"Thanks for your help," Lincoln stormed towards the office, slamming open the door. Slamming open a door is a very complex move, not like slamming a door shut, which is commonplace and not encouraged unless it's really called for. Like if your parents just don't understand you. 


Inside the room, behind a desk also made of fine mahogany, sat the scarred fishman he'd seen earlier, fresh cigar hanging in his lips. At Lincoln's intrusion, he immediately got up and slammed his hands on the desk.


"Alright, alright, who's da woise guy?" he raised an eyebrow angrily. "Who thinks dey can just slam dere way inta my office all disrespectful like?"


"My name is Abraham Lincoln sir, and I'm here to place you under arrest for crimes against the shipping industry."


The fishman laughed. "Oh, dat is rich, dat is real rich pal! You think you can just waltz in here and arrest da most feared crime boss in all da oceans?"


"So, you are the crime boss that's been wrecking those ships," said Abe, a little relieved that he had the right fishman this time.


"Hey hey, not so fast dere," the crime boss raised his hands in protest. "Who said anything about me being a crime boss?"


"You did, just now!"


"It's your word against mine, buddy. I'm just a legitimate business man here. Pone's da name, Aqua Pone. And what can I do ya for, mac?"


"You can start by stopping your villainous plans to built your battle submarine, you underwater marauder!" Lincoln pointed a finger angrily.


"Listen da dis guy!" Aqua Pone laughed. "He wants me ta start by stopping! And stopping something I ain't even started! It's confusing over here!"


"Don't lie to me, Pone!" Lincoln slammed his own hands on the desk. "One of your flunkies spilled the beans on your little operation. The game, as they say, is up."


"Oh yeah, wise guy?" the fishy crime lord sneered. "Well, I think my boys may just have a few lead-lined words ta say about dat!"


On cue, Lincoln was surrounded by a school of gangster fish people, who began blasting him with their tommy guns. But if you think this little distraction was enough to put Lincoln off, then brother, you've been reading the wrong story! Our stove-pipe-hatted saviour made short work of those goons, and turned his attention back to the crime lord.


"And now you're coming with me, Pone!" he smiled triumphantly.


"Oh, look who thinks he's da king a da block!" Aqua Pone flicked cigar ash at him. "And what makes you think you're gonna put me away? You got anything incriminating?"


"How about the fact that your goons just tried to shoot me?"


"Circumstantial at best! Dey was just shooting at something behind ya, and you was too stupid to get outta da way! Now I ask again...ya got any incontrovertible evidence dat links me ta any crime?  Ya got any proof dat I'm building a battle submarine dat will wipe da surface dwellers like you of da face of da Earth? Huh? Ya got proof? Anything that could make a conviction?"


"Well...I guess not," Lincoln admitted.


Aqua Pone laughed. "Then how ya gonna make anything stick, ya palooka? Ya really think your accusations would stand up in a court of law? I'd be back on the streets before ya's could say Jackie Robinson. Oh, or maybes you was thinking a' just putting me away without a trial! Ain't that more your thing, Mr. "I hates habeus corpus"?


You suspend the right to a fair trail during a period of war one time and they never let you forget it. "On the contrary, Mr. Pone. I'll see you get a fair trial before I drag you away to a cell at Seaworld. I'll even be the prosecuting attorney!" said Abe confidently. "I'm sure with all your criminal activities, there'll be a ton of evidence to support my claim, if I look for it."


"Oh, look who's da big comedian!" Aqua Pone blew cigar smoke in Lincoln's face. Underwater. It's best if you don't question the physics of it. "Alright, you're on Mr. Lincoln. Let's see if ya has da skills ta back up ya moxie. I'll see ya's in court."


Wow! Looks like we're on the precipice of the trial of the century! That's underwater. And involves fish people. And Lincoln. With all those qualifiers I can be confident I'll never be wrong. I'm sure we'll find out more about it next time, assuming another part of my body doesn't give out.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 4

Before we begin, I would like to apologise for my previous comments wherein I said there was only one way to find out. This was a slight hyperbole, or 'lie', on my part. There were in fact several ways to find out other than wait for the conclusion to play out. One could have left a comment asking what happened, wherein you would have been told what the inevitable conclusion would be. Similarly, one could have sent an electronic mail message and received similar results.

These are just two extra ways, and the list goes on and on. You might have set up a simulation on a virtual reality environment, playing out all possible scenarios until you reached a general consensus on the outcome. Had you the means to do so, you could have hired actors to portray Lincoln and the fish goons, setting up the events in a studio (or on location) and seeing how things played out. Expensive, but no doubt worth it if you were that inclined to learn what happened.

For those of you more psychically inclined, you could have determined the result through predetermination. Perhaps the stars themselves could have told you astrologists what was going to happen. Quite possibly, quite very possibly, you could have opened up a fish or wild boar (they are remarkably similar as a species) and used its entrails to see into the future. This is pretty weird and slightly disgusting though, so don't do that again.

Whatever method you used, you would have arrived at the same conclusion-of course Lincoln can beat a couple of fish goons. What's wrong with you, sir/madam? Didn't you read about him taking on that giant badger? He beat that quite handily, and I'd wager that was a damn sight tougher than any fish goons with tommy guns. Seriously. You people should have some more faith.

Anyway, after catching the bullets in Stovey, throwing their weapons away and laying the smackdown on one of the goons, Abe held the other up by the lapels and asked him, very politely, what exactly he thought he was doing by wrecking all these ships. Hey, I used passive voice!

"Well geeze, I dunno," said the maritime mug. "I'm just doing what da boss tells me ta do."

"Then how about this?" Lincoln replied, tightening his hold. "What are you doing with the ships once you've sunk them?"

"Oh, dat's easy," the goon smiled. "We strips thems of dere metal and gives it to da boss for his big battle submarine what he's gonna use to hold up all da banks of da woild."

"Diabolical!" Lincoln smacked his fist, which had the unfortunate effect of smacking the fish mobster too. "This won't stand. I demand you take me to visit your boss at once."

"Hey, whoa dere," the fish goon protested. "I ain't no stoolie, bub. Why should I take ya's to see da boss?"

"If you don't, then I'll do to you what I did to your friend over there."

The goon gulped. Having been spared the details, you won't know how badly beaten up the other guy was, but rest assured, it was pretty brutal. "OK, I'l show ya, I'll show ya! Just don't hoit me."

After grabbing a scuba diving outfit, Lincoln followed his reluctant companion to the very depths of the ocean floor itself, arriving at a building that tried its best to look nonchalant, a move that was doomed to fail as it was doomed to stick out against the nothingness of anything else.

The goon knocked on the door, causing a metal section to be slid back.

"Yes?" came a gruff voice.

"Pone sent me," said the goon, and the door opened up to reveal a fishy bouncer. His eyes widened upon seeing Lincoln, who promptly punched him in the head.

"You can run along now, son," said Abe, cracking his knuckles. "If you thought what I did to your friend was bad, you're not going to like this one bit. And take my advice-say no to organised crime."

"Ye-yeah, su-sure thing mac," stuttered the goon as Lincoln took his first steps inside the horror that was the subaquatic speakeasy of...Aqua Pone!

And that was the best pun I could think of.

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 3

Life at sea can be a lonely one, that's for sure. So it's a good thing that most ocean cruise liners have plenty of room for shuffleboard! In fact, Lincoln was so caught up in his shuffling of boards that for the second time today he almost missed something vitally important to his mission. He's going to have to learn to pay more attention.

READERS-Don't you risk getting caught unaware like our friend Abe here. Always pay attention to your surroundings, and learn to improve your observation skills. You may wish to try a simple game known to all bored school teachers and Cub Scout leaders. Gather a bunch of household objects onto a tray. Give yourself  a minute to look at everything, then cover the tray with a sheet or large plastic bag. Allow yourself another minute to write down all the items you can remember. Some might say this is more of a memory enhancer than an observation test, but to them I say "Bushwah!" And now back to our story.

Rising from the depths like an object floating up in a bathtub, our distracted hero only just caught sight of the oncoming DSV as it approached the cruise liner. DSV stands for Deep Sea Vehicle, as you'd surely know if you ever watched the popular 90s television show Seaquest DSV. I certainly never watched it. I had far better things to do with my life in the 90s. So for all I know it may have been a classic, but I've never seen a DVD of it available, so take that Rockne O'Bannon! And all your hopes and dreams!

Spotting the invading machine just in time, Lincoln fell to the ship's deck, trying to stay out of sight. It's funny, really. Something coming into sight made something else go out of sight. Don't you think that's funny? No? I mean, not funny 'ha-ha', but funny in a sort of 'how appropriate' sense. Well never mind. Anyway, as Lincoln hid from sight, the lid of the DSV popped open, and out came a sight so bizarre that if Abe had been looking, he probably would have made some old-timey colloquialism.

Out from the sea vehicle came three human-like fish creatures, or if you prefer, fish-like human creatures, each one wearing fancy black suits with white ties. They all had black fedoras atop their heads, with large fins popping out the tops. The one in the middle, with a scar right down his...face? It was hard to tell...was smoking a big thick cigar, which he moved from side to side around his mouth. The two either side were both carrying tommy guns. Aside from this descent into human culture they were completely fish like, with webbed feet, gills, scaly skin and all the other things you'd associate with fish people.

Lincoln risked taking a peek over the side of the deck, taking care to remove his hat to reduce the risk of being spotted. Which is a good thing too, because it would have fallen off when he saw the unbelievable sight. "Jumping horsefeathers," he whispered. Told you so.

The fish-man in the middle removed the cigar from his not-lips and flicked it into the ocean. "Alright youse mugs," he called to his fine finny fiends. "Looks like we got a'nudder one'a those fancy cruise ships. Should make a nice bit a' moichendice, see? So you knows the drill. Fill it full'a lead, strip it down ta da frames and bring it all back for salvage. Capice?"

"Roight boss!" said the others, who Lincoln correctly worked out to be goons.

"Alright good. I'll meet youse guys back at da hideout, see? Don't let nobody spot ya! Now get outta here!"

"Roight boss!" said the goons, hopping into the ocean below as the main fish-man got back inside the DSV. The vehicle sunk back below the surface, and Lincoln watched as the fish-goons got their suits wet swimming towards the cruise liner. What a waste of good fabric, he thought.

Still thankfully unobserved, he looked at the goons stopped a short distance from the ship, and raised their tommy guns to take aim. This looked bad. If they weren't careful, they could pull the trigger and end up shooting at the boat. It was then the penny finally dropped. A Lincoln penny. The time for stealthy observation was other. It was time to act.

"Alright you goons, throw those weapons away!" he said, putting Stovey back on his head as he rose from cover. "I made a promise to the captain of this vessel that I wouldn't let it go down, and I never go back on a promise if I can help it."

"Hey, who's dis mug?" asked the right goon.

"Who cares?" asked the left, or sinister goon. "Waste da wiseguy!"

The two goons changed their aim from the boat to Monsieur Abe. Is our hero about to become Swiss Lincoln? Does that even make sense? There's only one way to find out!

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 2

Lincoln hovered above the Mediterranean sea, keeping his steely gaze focused on trying to spot a sign of the sinister ship sinkers. There didn't seem to be any odd activity going on, which didn't help his villain-spotting skills one bit. This made a lot of sense-from what the Commissioner had said, it sounded like these dastardly devils were more likely to reside under the surface. But to scour through the murky depths and explore the ocean floor would have taken so long, who knows how many boats and ships could have been sunk while he was searching? No, better to try to find some lead as to their whereabouts before searching all willy-nilly.
    What an odd expression that was. Willy-nilly. Who was this Willy, and what was it about him that people called him 'nilly'? Unless that was his surname. William Nilly. Not a very dignified name, really. Maybe that's why he was so famous. A foolish name and a penchant for acting in an irrational manner, he seemed the very sort of fellow that was ripe for ridicule.
     So caught up was Abe in his thoughts about Mr. Nilly that he almost failed to spot an ocean liner making its  merry way along the sea. But fortunately, he did spot it. And thus did a masterly plan come into fruition. Sparing no time, except a small moment to write down 'Willy Nilly' in his notebook, he flew down to the ship's deck.
     "Excuse me, sir," he said to a passing steward. "Could you take me to the ship's captain? I have to speak to him urgently."
    "Well...it's against the rules to let passengers speak to the captain," mused the steward.
   "I admire your dedication to your job, son. But I have to point out, I'm Abraham Lincoln."
   "Hmm, that is true. Oh, alright. Let me show you to the bridge."

   "Well, what a surprise," said the captain, as he answered the door to Abe. "What can I do for you, Mr. Lincoln?"
   "Captain, have you heard about the attacks on ocean vessels that have been taking place in this part of the ocean?"
   "I sure have. I admit I'm a little scared, but I'm not going to let these fine folks ruin their holiday over a little scary shipwrecking."
   "It's good to see you're dedicated to your passengers' safety captain, but I think I have a plan that might be of interest to you. How about you put all your guests into the lifeboats and take them over to Morocco for the day. Say it's a chance to experience how the ancient settlers discovered that fabulous country. Take the crew too, give them a nice day's rest."
   The captain rubbed his beard. "Say now, that might not be a bad attraction. But who's going to look after the boat?"
   "You leave that to me, sir. I have a use for this boat, a use that might lead to me taking out these violent sea-dwellers once and for all. You see, I'll use this ship as bait to lure those villains out of the water. Then, after they've struck, I'll follow them to their lair and then force them into a surrender, thus ending their reign of terror once and for all."
   "You're not going to let the boat sink, are you?" asked the captain suspiciously.
    "Um....maybe," Lincoln admitted. "Actually that's a major part of my plan, I'm afraid. Thinking about it, that's probably not going to be beneficial to you in the long run, is it?"
    "Not really. Can you do a plan that doesn't sink my ship?"
    Abe considered this. "Well that's going to make it a lot more difficult. I kind of need to use this ship as bait."
    "But you can't let my lovely boat sink," the captain protested. "It's full of all my passengers' things! Not to mention my crew's! And my own!"
    "I realise that sir, but think of what's more important. A few material possessions, or the chance to stop a menace of the seas?"
    "That's easy for you to say, Mr. Lincoln," the captain frowned. "You don't have a cruise company to report back to. I won't let you have this boat if you're going to sink it."
   "Alright, fine," Abe sighed. "I promise I won't let this boat sink. Fortunately I have a new plan that won't result in anything on this ship going below the surface."
    "You sure?"
    "Positive. Probably."

    A short while later, Abe was all alone on the boat, watching the guests make their way to shore. He was fairly sure that his new plan would not result in the boat sinking. Pretty sure. Like, 67%. Ish. Now he just had to wait for the ship sinkers to show themselves. Was there time for a game of shuffleboard? Heck, there's always time for a game of shuffleboard!

The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 1

Abraham Lincoln was strapped down to a block of ice inside a dank and desolate cavern in the Himalayas, with a giant snowball dangling dangerously over him whilst a maniacal and bespectacled man in a lab coat watched on. In other words, it was a fairly typical day for the rail splitter.

“Muwahahahahahahahaha!” cackled the lab coat wearing fiend. “I’m afraid there’s snow hope for you now, Lincoln! Once I pull this lever, the giant Snowball of Doom will fall on top of you, thus ending your miserable existence once and for all! Then there’ll be snow one to stop me from turning the world into a giant ice cube! Muwahahahahahahahaha!”

“Just what do you think you’re playing at, Dr. Blizzardo?” asked an annoyed Abe. “What will you achieve by turning the world into a giant ice cube?”

“Reverse global warming, of course,” Dr. Blizzardo beamed brilliantly. “For too long have the people of the world harmed the beauty of the snow and frost by allowing the Earth to get ever warmer. Soon the ice caps won’t even exist anymore! But I, Dr. Blizzardo, will use my mighty Ice Cannon to put the world into another ice age, thus ensuring that our world stays safe for coldness forever!”

Lincoln shook his head. “Your intentions may be noble doctor, but it’s pretty obvious you’re an insane looney! Looks like I’ll have to put a stop to your villainous scheme once and for all.”

“And how do you propose to do that, you pathetic president?” Dr. Blizzardo sneered. “When all I have to do is pull this lever and crush you under a pile of Super Cold Snow, ending your activities forever! You may have been a match for my Snow Warriors—“

“You mean the snowmen?”

“Yes the snowmen! You may have destroyed every one of them, but we’ll see how you fare against my ultimate death trap! Farewell, Lincoln. It was ice to know you!”

With another sinister laugh, Dr. Blizzardo pulled the lever, letting the giant snowball fall from the cave ceiling above down onto our hero. With a mighty THWUMP, the snowball completely covered the Great Emancipator. Oh no! How’s Lincoln going to get out of this one?

Quite easily! For, much to Doctor Blizzardo’s surprise, Abe rose up from the ice slab virtually unharmed.

“Impossible!” the doctor cried. “There was snow way you could have survived that! How did you manage to get freeze from my trap?”

“Simple, really. One, your giant snowball fell maybe 4 feet at most. There was never any chance it was going to actually hurt me.”

Blizzardo cursed. “I knew I should have raised it higher, but it was just so heavy!”

“And two, I was only strapped down with woolly scarves. Nice though they were, wool isn’t the best material to keep someone tied down with. Truth be told I could have escaped at any time, but I wanted to give you a sporting chance.”

“Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!” the doctor shook his fist impotently. “That’s snow fair! This is an ice way to end my scheme indeed! You leave me snow choice but to chill you with my Ice Cannon! I’ll snow you snow mercy, you lousy legislator! I won’t let you put me on ice! If you’ll forgive my cold reception—“

Dr. Blizzardo was quickly shut up by a sock to the chin, courtesy of Abe’s Left Fist of Justice, thus ending his pathetic reign of terror and onslaught of puns. He then turned the Ice Cannon onto its creator, trapping him within a man-sized ice cube.

“Well that takes care of that,” he said, smashing the Ice Cannon into tiny pieces. It was then that he heard the familiar sound of his Signal Watch.

“Reading you loud and clear, Commissioner.”

“Ah, Lincoln, good to see you. How’s your little excursion to the Himalayas going?”

“Very nicely, thank you. It’s pretty relaxing over here, nothing too diabolical to speak of. Thanks for setting me up with those snowboarding lessons, I think I’m really getting the hang of it. Oh, and I’m now leader of a Yeti tribe, would you believe?”

“A fascinating story Lincoln, and one I hope to hear someday. But right now I’m afraid we’ve got an emergency on our hands.”

“What’s the problem, old chum?”

“We’ve had reports of violence on the high seas, Lincoln. Merchant ships and luxury cruises have been attacked about 13 miles off the coast of Morocco. It’s a strange case-the hulls of the boats just seem to suddenly riddled with holes, like a delicious Swiss cheese, with no evidence to suggest who could have done such a thing. At first we thought it might be pirates, but eyewitnesses have made mention of underwater vessels leaving the scene of the crime. We think the culprit or culprits might be more sub-aquatic than we first thought. Get in there and see what you can find.”

“Roger, Commissioner. I’ll be there in a jiffy. Lincoln out.”

After giving the ice-bound Dr. Blizzardo to the authorities, Abe set out towards Morocco, wondering what strange new menace he’d encounter under the sea. Under the sea. Deadly crustaceans, or strange machinations, under the sea.