The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.7

Back on Earth, the Commissioner stood on top of WIPE headquarters, gazing into the sky. It had been almost 30 minutes since the building next door had set off towards the Moon, and still no sign of Lincoln’s safe return. It was beginning to look like…he wasn’t going to come back.

The Commissioner allowed himself a single tear for his new friend’s demise. He’d make sure that the hero would receive a good funeral. One with a massive hearse tour, open coffin in state, plenty of mourners. The full works. On second thought, perhaps not an open coffin. It wouldn’t be as effective without a body inside. He didn’t imagine quite as many people would want to see it.

“Poor Lincoln,” he sighed, shaking his head. He’d give his right arm, his fancy car…hell, even his precious pipe, just to find out if the stove-pipe-hatted saviour was alive. But sadly, it didn’t look like anything was going to show up in that clear blue sky. Just the Sun, and an albatross, and a small, building-like object getting steadily larger…

Wait a second…something wasn’t right here. Why would an albatross be out here in the desert? It must be very lost. Wait! Something even more out of place! A building come down from the sky! It could only be…

“Lincoln!”

Yes, the juggernaut of justice himself, Abraham Lincoln, was pushing the entire 24 stories of the 3dIM back down to terra firma. The Commissioner clapped and cheered as the President of Power placed the Moon transporter back in its original place.

“Ahoy, Commissioner!” Abe waved from the sky above.

“Ahoy, Lincoln!” the Commissioner waved back. “But how is this possible? I thought your Lincoln powers were gone.”

“Not gone, my friend. Only temporarily inactive. But now they’re back, and better than ever. Also they help me breathe in space, which is pretty neat.”

“Yes, yes it is. But where’s Booth?”

“Got away, I’m afraid. Would have stopped him, if it weren’t for a bullet in my chest. But don’t worry, I managed to stop his evil plan. Oh, speaking of which, I’ve got a little present for you!”

With that, he flew back into the 3dIM and emerged with a figure the Commissioner didn’t quite recognise at first. It appeared to be just your ordinary young man with a steel face. Was this really the best Lincoln could get as a present? He’d have preferred some tobacco, or at least some socks. Then, as Lincoln popped the lifeless body onto the roof, he recognised who it really was.

“Dynamite?! How did he get in there?”

“It turned out Booth was playing him like a sucker, old chum,” Abe explained. “Had him convinced that I was an enemy of all things good and right in this world. Like freedom, happiness and a damn good cheesecake. He almost landed a punch on me, and by ‘almost’ I’m being extremely generous.”

“Well he won’t be making an ass of himself where he’s going,” the Commissioner pulled his pistol from his holster, and aimed it at Dynamite’s shiny head.

“Wait, Commissioner!” Lincoln grabbed hold of the gun. “Despite being a complete ninny, he was only trying to do the right thing. We can’t kill him for that.”

“Hmm…” the Commissioner deliberated for a long, long time. “Oh, fine,” he said at last, reluctantly putting his piece away. “But my first act as the new commanding officer of WIPE is to fire this idiot immediately.”

“Congratulations on the promotion,” Lincoln smiled.

“Well, after the Director was revealed to be a fraud, the top brass needed someone to fill in. And as the most experienced candidate, not to mention the best looking, I guess I’ll have to do. ‘Course, with Booth still on the loose, and that demonic council he was always going on about hanging around out there somewhere, I’m going to have my work cut out for me.”

“Yes, but you won’t be alone, pal,” Abe held out his hand. “Consider me your number one agent…and partner.”

“I’m happily married, Lincoln.”

“I meant work partner.”

“Of course you did. Thank…partner.”

As the two comrades shook hands, Abe reflected on his thoughts from earlier. Yes, his old life had been a good one. And he had accomplished much already. But here was a chance to help out his country…his world in ways he’d never been able to before. And he wasn’t about to let the people down. Wherever there was struggle against tyranny, wherever freedom was being oppressed, wherever strange events were happening that needed the righteous fists of justice to sort out, the world would find its champion ready to take the call. It would always be able to depend on its hero…Abraham Lincoln

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.6

So this was it. The end of Lincoln. Doomed to crash into the Moon, while the villains rode off into the sunset. Metaphorically, of course. There wasn’t really a sunset on the Moon.

Lincoln crawled towards the viewing screen, the building now so close that he could make out craters. As deaths went, this wasn’t so bad. Better than dirtying a theatre box. In fact, there was a certain dignity to it all, in a way. To die trying to stop the forces of evil. It was a death that would certainly be remembered. Every time kids looked at the large hole in the Moon, they’d say “That was Abe that helped make that”, before their cruel new masters put them back to work in their tin mines. It didn’t have to be tin. Any metal would have done. Copper, possibly. Did you mine copper? Probably.

As he lay there, sprawled out on the many buttons and gizmos that made up the control panels, he reflected on the life he’d led up to this point. Well, lives really, but this newest one had been pretty short in comparison. No, his mind took him back to his first life. He’d accomplished a lot, he reckoned. Lawyer, senator, submarine salesman, president…he hadn’t done too badly, all in all. Oh sure, there were things he would have done differently. Probably would have avoided that whole civil war thing, if possible. And stop his son from dying. And maybe not done so much bear wrestling…oh who was he kidding, more bear wrestling.

Still, when you got right down to it, he’d led a full life, and achieved many things. More than a lot of people would ever do. So surely it was ok to stop now. Surely one little building wouldn’t cause as much damage to the Moon as that nutty fruitcake had implied. It probably wouldn’t do much more than leave a crater. So he could just relax…and die…in peace.

And yet…even with the blood trickling from his wound…even with his vision becoming dark and cloudy…even with his life leaving him…could he give up yet? Did he have the right to give up? While there was still injustice and tyranny to be fought?

No! Lincoln slammed his fist against the floor. He couldn’t let it end this way. While there was still air in his lungs…still blood in his heart (though that was depleting rather rapidly)…still resolve in his spirit, he had to keep on fighting. For truth! For justice! For all that was good and pure in this world, he had to keep up the fight! He hadn’t given up during his country’s darkest hour, and he wasn’t going to give up now.

“I…will…survive!” he shouted with all his strength.

Suddenly, a change came over Lincoln. He felt his heart pumping out pure righteousness through his arteries and veins, strength returning to his legs, a feeling of power and glory surging through his body. He watched as a bullet propelled itself from his chest, the wound knitting itself back together, even restoring the torn fabric of his suit.

He’d felt like this before. Back in WIPE HQ. Right before he’d left to take on the badger people. Right before…of course! It was so obvious! He’d gained them when he was about to free people from being oppressed. He’d lost them when taking on a poor Joe just trying to do his job. It was only when he was fighting for the people that he had them, and if stopping a 3dIM from crashing into the Moon wasn’t the very dictionary definition of fighting for the people, then he was going to have to find a new dictionary.

He stood up, his strength fully restored, as an all mighty aura surrounded him. With a look of determination in his eye, he gave out that mighty cry.

“Lincoln Powers…ACTIVATE!”

A newfound urge of awesomeness coursing through him, Abe smashed his way through the viewing screen and fly to the very tip of the 3dIM. With the might of all that’s right, he threw all his weight against the accelerating building, doing his best to turn back the giant object.

He could feel it slowing down, slower, slower, ever so slightly decreasing in speed by the second. But the Moon wasn’t that far away, and Abe had a lot of work to do. Would he make it in time?

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.5

Lincoln grasped at his chest, staggering backwards as the bullet tore into his chest. He held up his hand to see it covered in blood. He sniffed at it. Yes, it was his own. His thought that it might just have been a ball of someone else’s blood that had been shot at him was, in retrospect, a little too optimistic.

“Well, that seems to confirm that theory,” Booth gave a low, guttural laugh. “How does it feel, Lincoln? To know that once again, you’ve been taken down by the greatest actor the world has ever known, John Wilkes Booth.”

“At least…I won’t have to listen to…your ego ranting…anymore,” Lincoln gasped. Atta boy, Abe! Don’t let them see you sweat!

“That’s right Lincoln, keep laughing. After all, it’s only one bullet, right? It’s not like you’ve never felt one before.”

“You know the old saying…gloaters…never prosper,” Abe fell to his knees, wincing in pure agony.

“Then it appears that old saying is wrong. For you see, I am a gloater. And look at how much I’m prospering!” Booth did a little victory dance in front of his fallen opponent. But don’t applaud his dancing skills, because he’s a bad guy!

“So…you took me all the way to the Moon…just to kill me?” Lincoln tried to concentrate, his vision blurring.

“Well, yes,” Booth shrugged. “A bit overdramatic I know, but what do you want? I’m an actor. Although admittedly I didn’t originally plan for a bullet to do the job. And I hoped you’d at least put up a struggle before going down. In fact, I’m a little disappointed. Oh well, you’ll soon be crashing into the Moon, so hopefully that will make up for it.”

“What?” Lincoln moaned, sliding closer to the floor.

“Oh, sorry, did I forget to mention? This 3dIM was never going to actually land on the Moon. You see, I knew you’d chase after me, and I knew you wouldn’t stop until you took me down for good. But you see Lincoln, I’d already had it all worked out.

“I reconfigured this 3dIM so that, instead of providing safe transport to the Moon, it would in fact cut out at the last minute and go into a collision course with the lunar surface! You may be strong, but even if you survived the initial explosion, you’d be hard pressed to do well without any air. Mind you, without your Lincoln powers, you might be dead before we even make it to good old Lunar.

“Of course, crashing into the Moon won’t do much good for old Mother Earth either. Oh, there’ll probably be some tidal waves, maybe a few showers of falling rock from the debris. Possibly someone’s fields will be spoilt by the charred remains of an ex-President. In any event, it’s sure to put a crimp in a few million people’s day.”

“Booth…you’re insane,” Lincoln grunted. “You’ll…kill yourself…too.”

“Or so you’d think, you bearded buffoon. But the shadowy organisation that brought me back to life have other plans. Or didn’t you realise they had the ability to teleport me throughout space? How silly of me not to inform you. But then, how do you think I made it into WIPE headquarters in the first place? Through the front door?”

Though he was in too much pain to express it, Abe imagined that the front door would have had the same effect.

“Ah, speak of the devil,” Booth smiled, becoming wavy and transparent as the teleportation took effect. “In a very literal sense, I assure you. Don’t feel too bad, Lincoln. Mighty though you may be, you just weren’t enough to take on the awesome majesty that is our evil cabal. And let this be a lesson to all that in the end, evil will always win over good.

“Oh, and before I forget…sic semper tyrannis, pro verus!”

The terrible sounds of the madman’s horrible laughter echoed throughout the room as he disappeared from view, leaving Lincoln all alone as the Moon appeared ever larger on the viewing screen.

Well, not all alone. The unconscious body of Blake Dynamite was still there. But fat lot of good he’d do. Stupid unconscious idiot.

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.4

Dynamite bunched his fingers into fist and held them out, pugilist style. “Come on you rat, put up your dukes! Just try to keep up with these lightning moves. I fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee!”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this…” Lincoln reluctantly took a fighting stance. “Look, Blake was it? Why don’t you just stop this now? I promise I won’t think less of you if you walk away.”

“But I will!” Booth raised his fist. “In fact, I’ll think so less of you, I might not even invite you to my next birthday party.”

“You wouldn’t?” Blake sounded distraught.

“I wouldn’t, and it’s going to be a hell of a party too. There’ll be ice cream cake, and lots of balloons. And I was thinking of hiring a magician!”

“Don’t let him get to you, son,” Abe raised a hand in warning. “What are delicious confections and showy parlour tricks compared to the safety of the human race?”

“You won’t fool my boy so easily, Lincoln,” Booth sniggered. “He’s not going to fall for your little mind games, are you Blake?”

“No sir, not me!” Blake nodded.

“That’s my boy. Now get in there and show that Lincoln what you got!”

“You got it, boss!” Dynamite gave a few punches. “I’m gonna show you why they call me Dynamite. ‘Cos I blow people away!”

“Oh please, stop trying to make that into a catchphrase,” Abe groaned. “It doesn’t even make sense. That pun would only work if your name was Hurricane or Tornado or something wind-related. You should be saying ‘because I’m explosive’ or something.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s much better. Mind if I use it?”

Lincoln sighed. “Go ahead, if you must.”

“Thanks. Now watch out, because I got an explosive temper!” Dynamite threw a couple more punches.

“Can we just get this over with?” Abe rolled his eyes.

“Oh, look at you, mister full of confidence over there! Mister ‘I-don’t-know-what-I’m-up-against’! Well I hope you’re ready, you overconfident conman, because you’re going to receive my ultimate move. My finishing special. My super amazing punch of ultimate power, which no man has ever survived yet. I mean, you’re the first person I’ve tried it on, but I’m pretty sure you won’t survive it. Ok, here it comes…Super Hyper Megaton Punch!”

Dynamite ran forward, fists flaring, lungs screaming, arms flailing, running with all the strength he could muster…right smack into Lincoln’s outstretched fist. With a great thud of meat hitting metal, he fell unconscious onto the floor.

There was a short amount of silence, as protagonist and antagonist observed minor character. Finally, Booth spoke up.

“You know, I really thought he’d last longer. Not much longer, mind you, but I hoped he’d at least be able to land a punch.”

“Well, so much for your secret weapon,” Lincoln rubbed his hands, trying to remove any patheticness he might have accidentally picked up from contact with Dynamite.

“Oh, he wasn’t my secret weapon. No, good God no. You really think that I…and he…oh Lincoln, you are a card. No, my secret weapon was time, my dear soon to be departed fellow. He was just a distraction to allow us to get ever closer to the Moon, which, as I’m sure you’ll observe, is getting nice and big now.”

Lincoln looked out the observation screen (or ‘window’, as they’re often called) to see that, yes, the Moon certainly was looking worryingly big.

“Mind you, I’m not completely weaponless. I still have my trusty revolver here,” Booth pulled out the pistol from his jacket.

Abe laughed. “Oh please, not that old thing. You know I’ll just catch the bullet again.”

“I think not, Mr. Ex-President. I don’t think you can anymore. In fact, I’m willing to bet you don’t have any of your Lincoln powers anymore.”

“That’s absurd,” Lincoln tried not to sweat. “Why would you make such a foolish assumption?”

“Because if you did have your amazing powers, you would have already thwarted my evil scheme the moment you arrived. The fact that you took so long with Dynamite confirmed it. And I believe without your Lincoln powers, based on experience, a simple bullet should be all it takes. Like so.”

BANG!

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.3

“That’s right, it’s me, Agent Blake Dynamite!”

Lincoln looked on in shock as Blake Dynamite, his face now concealed behind an iron mask, made his way towards Booth’s side.

“Blake Dynamite…a traitor! I never thought I’d see the day,” Abe shook his head sadly. “Though admittedly because I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. But I never thought you’d turn traitor.”

“The only thing I’m a traitor to is you, you traitor!” Dynamite shook his fist in a failed attempt at a menacing manner. “Me and the Director here are going to put a stop to your wicked shenanigans. Isn’t that right, Director?”

“Oh yes, quite right, Blake,” Booth smiled, winking at Lincoln.

“Dynamite, are you a complete dunderhead? That’s not the director of WIPE. That’s John Wilkes Booth, overrated actor and presidential murderer! He’s not even dressed as a woman anymore!”

“Maybe not, but officially he’s still the Director,” said Dynamite. “And that means I’m gonna stick with him. Because I don’t know what kinda communist country you come from, pal, but in America we have a little thing called ‘loyalty’!”

“What…why…we’re from the same country, you idiot! I’m Abraham Lincoln! The 16^th president! My face is on currency, for crying out loud!”

“You don’t fool me, traitor,” Dynamite squinted his eyes, apparently attempting to glare derisively at our hero. “The Director explained that all that super science was a load of hooey. You can’t bring people back from the dead with solar power. So you must be an imposter, here to break up WIPE and terrorise the planet.”

“Good lord, boy, you’re an even bigger idiot than I realised. Why would you still want to work with WIPE anyway? They tried to laser your face off.”

“Hah!” Blake laughed away the criticism. “Actually though, that is a good point,” he stopped to consider it for a moment. “Why did you laser my face off?”

“That was the Commissioner, Blake, not me,” Booth explained in his slick manner. Oooh I hate this guy! “I’d never try to laser your face off. That’s why I gae you a nice shiny new face to make up for it.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Dynamite smiled. “See? The Director is my friend.”

“Of course I am,” Booth patted him on the back. “And as a friend, I’m asking you to beat up that imposter there.”

“You got it, sir!” Blake saluted, and made a threatening pose. “Alright, you evil bad person! Prepare for the whooping of a lifetime. Because when you mess with Dynamite…you get blown away!”

Lincoln didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I advise you to laugh. It’s always nicer than crying.

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.2

The lift doors opened, and Lincoln stepped forward into the command centre of the 3dIM. It was quite a sight to behold. Computer consoles with many flashing lights and multi-coloured buttons stood before giant glass panels revealing the majesty of the cosmos, with the already large image of the Moon gradually getting bigger and bigger. In front of all that stood John Wilkes Booth, a sinister smile on his face.

“Welcome to my humble home, Lincoln.”

“Your home?” Abe raised an eyebrow. “You mean you live in here?”

“No, of course I don’t live here. I was being facetious.”

“Barely. You were just lying, really.”

“Oh, and of course that offends Honest Abe, doesn’t it? You never could get the hang of it, could you? The one thing you always found difficult. Unlike suspending our civil liberties!”

“Oh, this is about the Civil War again, isn’t it?” Lincoln raised his palm to his face. “Weren’t you the one just now talking about leaving things in the past? You guys lost! Get over it!”

“Bah!” Booth smacked a nearby wall for dramatic effect. “Well, the only thing you’ll be suspending now is yourself. In space!”

“From what?”

“Eh?”

“What will I be suspending myself from in space? I suppose I’ll have a rope attached to a nearby asteroid.”

“Well…maybe!” John stuttered.

“I really wish you’d think your mild threats through before saying them,” Abe rolled his eyes. “Frankly it’s embarrassing having such weak banter with an enemy.”

“Is that any way to talk to your arch-nemesis?” Booth spat at the stove-pipe-hatted hero.

“Oh come now, Booth. Really? My arch-nemesis? I knew you had an ego, but I had no idea it was so big.”

“What are you talking about? Of course I’m your arch-nemesis! I killed you, for God’s sake!” Booth raved.

“Please. My arch-nemeses are injustice, tyranny, cruelty. You barely measure up as a thorn in my side.”

“Oh come on! Those are just abstract concepts, they can’t be arch-nemeses. You’re just taking the piss!”

“You’re just jealous because you’re only a little man in a big evil pond. Why, if I had a stick with all the measurements of villainy on it, I’d beat you with the stick and tell you to stop wasting my time. Because you’re barely a threat, Booth. You could be a recurring foe, possibly, since you’ve bothered me twice you might just qualify, but nemesis? It is to laugh.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not evil enough for you?” Booth stomped his foot in anger. “I’ll have you know I’m one of the most evil men who ever lived! Four other men were supposed to join me that night, killing off important political figures to create a massive power vacuum. But who actually went through with it? And with the president, no less! Me, that’s who! How’s that for pure evil?”

He gave a maniacal laugh as if to prove it. Lincoln didn’t look impressed.

“A for effort, pal, but face it. You’re just a chump. A stooge. A lackey for this new evil masters of yours. Face it, as a villain, you’re really second rate. No wonder this sinister geniuses have you running around doing their dirty work.”

“Oh, is that what you think? You think I’m not an equal member of…”

Booth stopped himself just in time. “Oh, very clever Lincoln. Trying to rile me up so that I’d reveal the identity of my shadowy organisation. Bravo,” he clapped mockingly. “If only you were a better actor, I might have fallen for it.”

“I’m still twice the actor you were, Boothy!” Lincoln shook a fist. “I tell you, I’ve seen some horrible sights in my time. I’ve seen brother turn against brother, men subjected to cruelties beyond reason, people forced to watch their loved ones die. But let me tell you something, brother, that production of Hamlet you did…that was the worst.”

“Shut up, I was brilliant! I was called magnetic before we really knew what that word meant! But enough of this,” Booth snapped his fingers, causing the lights to turn off. The only illumination came from the sight of the Moon in front of them.

“What now? Are we going to have a romantic meal together?” Lincoln smirked.

“Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you Lincoln?”

“Well, as long as you don’t order oysters. I’m not that type of man.”

“That’s not what certain history books suggest, Mr. I-share-beds-with-men.”

“It was the most economically sensible option!” Abe snapped.

“Suuuuure. In any event, the reason I turned off the lights, was because I wanted the most dramatic reveal for my little weapon. Enter!”

A panel opened up behind Lincoln. He turned around, and gasped in surprise.

“No…it can’t be! That’s impossible! It’s…it’s…”

(Just as a sidenote, don’t you hate it when people interrupt the narrative of a story just to get attention? I know I do!)

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 5.1

Lincoln slowly advanced down the dimly lit corridors, carefully checking for any traps that Booth may have laid. Curiously enough, everything seemed fairly safe. Maybe Booth hadn’t expected him to get on board, or maybe he was just being overconfident. Either way, it worked to Abe’s advantage. He’d have the element of surprise.

Unfortunately, so did the building. Or rather, it had the element of confusion. Rather than a convenient set of straight lines, the layout seemed more like a maze, with plenty of twists and turns. Some branches led to dead ends, others to further junctions. He kept hoping there’d be a handy floor guide, or perhaps an old map etched into the walls. Because that was reasonable, right? That whoever designed this building would carve a map into the walls.

Not that a map would even help out in the long run. He wasn’t at all sure where Booth was, or even which direction he was travelling, and time wasn’t on his side. If he didn’t make it before they reached the Moon…well, admittedly he wasn’t really sure what would happen, but he imagined it wasn’t anything good.

At last he came to a set of stairs. He was on the ground floor, so it was fairly obvious that Booth would be on the top floor. Perhaps…a little too obvious. Maybe Booth was banking on the fact that Abe would go to the top floor, and would use that to sneak up on him from the floor below. But perhaps he’d counted on Lincoln thinking that, lulling him to a false sense of security, so that he could actually sneak up on him from the floor above! But then wouldn’t Booth have counted on him thinking that, to trick him into—

“Oh come on!” came a voice from seemingly nowhere. “It’s a flight of stairs! You climb them! This isn’t supposed to be a major obstacle!”

“What the…?” Abe looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. “Show yourself, you disembodied delinquent!”

“Don’t stress yourself out looking for me, old man. I’m speaking to you through that speaker behind you, as I’m sure anyone with half a brain could reason. But then again, do you even have half a brain anymore? Or did the cleaning crew throw it out when they cleaned your box?”

“I see you’re still too cowardly to show yourself,” said Lincoln, inwardly cursing himself for not thinking to check for hidden cameras.

“If you’re so desperate to see me, you dunderheaded diplomat, you’ll find me on the top floor. Just wait there, I’ll send an elevator down. I was going to lead you through my deadly maze of fiendish death traps, but if a simple flight of stairs is enough to stump you, I don’t think you’d survive the first floor.”

A whirr of machinery started up, and Abe was surprised by a nearby panel opening up to reveal a lift.

“And how do I know this isn’t a death trap too?” he asked.

“Oh for God’s sake, stop overthinking everything! Just get in the damn elevator and show a little trust. What good would this do as a death trap anyway? You can fly, can’t you?”

“Ah, of course I can,” said Abe, technically not lying, just not adding the phrase ‘although not at the moment’ to the sentence. Cautiously, he walked into the lift, the panel sliding back into place as he entered.

“You haven’t rigged this thing with bombs, have you?” he asked, as the lift began moving upwards.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a very cynical person?” the lift replied, or rather Booth’s speaker within the lift. The lift cannot talk. That would be silly.

“Sorry, I just have trust issues with people who’ve shot me in the back of the head.”

“Oh, are you still going on about that? You have a very one track mind, you know? That was in the past. Move on. Get over it. I plan to kill you in many new and exciting ways now. Won’t that be fun to look forward to?”

“I’ll try to hold my enthusiasm.”

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 4.7

Abe surveyed the area, trying to find some clue as to where Booth had gone. All he could think about were the last words the murdering marauder had spoke before his hasty exit.

“’I’ve got a play to catch’…what could that possibly mean?” Lincoln mused. It was highly doubtful that Booth was actually going to see a play, or even less likely, star in one. Obviously it was meant as a clue, maybe involving something to do with a play, or the theatre. But what in this desert environment could possibly fit the bill?

“Play…play…plays take place on a stage…stages consisted of floors, trapdoors, scenery, backgrounds and curtains…and if you wait behind the curtain, you’re waiting in the wings…if you have wings, you can fly...” Lincoln frowned in thought. Was that it? Was Booth catching a flight? But to where?

There had to be more to it than that. Maybe he’d been looking at the wrong part of the sentence. Booth had said he had a play to catch. Catch. You catch things with a net. Net is what you have after you remove the gross. If something is gross, you don’t want to look at it. You also don’t want to look at the Sun, as it would burn your eyes. Unless you were looking at it during a solar eclipse…which involves the Moon…

“Of course!” Lincoln smacked his fist against his palm. “Booth is going to fly to the Moon! But how? Unless…by the rocket’s red glare! That other building I saw, the one that said 3dIM. That must stand for 3-dimensional Interlink to Moon! I’d better get inside, and fast!”

Lincoln ran as fast as a Lincoln can, and just in time too. For already he could feel the ground shaking through the shockwaves of a building taking off. Luckily, one of the windows was still open. Abe grabbed at the frame and pulled himself in side just as the 3dIM left the ground, making sure to shut it behind him to avoid decompression.

Now safely inside, Lincoln quickly calculated how long it would take to reach the Moon. Given the slow movement of the building, plus its mass, he reckoned it would be at least half an hour before they made it. That gave him plenty of time to track Booth down, capture him, redirect the 3dIM and bring the devil to justice.

Then again, it could also be enough time to track Booth down and get shot. But that wasn’t a pleasant thought, so he tried to put it behind him as he made his way through the mazelike pseudo-building.

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 4.6

“Where’s the Director?” Hindle roared as he swung his huge biceps, and by extension the rest of his arms, trying to catch the side of Lincoln’s head.

“Calm down, sir,” Abe bobbed and weaved, trying to keep out of harm’s way. “I assure you the Director is fine and well, and anyway we had nothing to do with her disappearance.”

“Then why’d you try to hit me?”

“I’m aware my actions didn’t exactly scream ‘I’m an innocent man’, but I swear on my honour as a gentleman that no harm came to the Director.” After all, he reasoned, if she never existed, how could she possibly have been harmed?

“You’re no gentleman!” Murphy’s eyes burnt with rage, as he tried to connect his fist with the annoying dodging man. “You made her invisible! I can’t see her no more!”

“The only thing you’ll be seeing is stars,” the Commissioner quipped as he threw a potted plant at the back of Hindle’s head, a quip that would have been much better if the act had made any impact whatsoever. Instead, the giant guard just slowly turned round towards our pipe-smoking friend, a look on his eyes that displayed confusion, betrayal, anger and hunger. Here’s a fun rainy day activity-try pulling the face that you imagine Hindle to be making right now! See what weird contortions you can put your face through.

“I…er…I…” the Commissioner sheepishly stuttered as the hulking fellow slowly stepped towards him. Fortunately for our foresight-challenged friend here, Lincoln used this distraction to leap onto Hindle’s back, putting him in a wrestling hold that confined his movements.

“Rargh!” Murphy growled, trying to shake free of Abe’s vice-like grip. “Get off me! Get off me!”

“Not until you listen to reason!” Abe held on harder. “Now listen to me! We did not turn the Director invisible.”

“She said you did! So I knows you did!”

“Damn it, there’s no reasoning with him,” Lincoln frowned.

“No, he’s always been like that. Once he gets an idea, he can’t…remove it,” the Commissioner looked very thoughtful. Then he snapped his fingers in delight.

“Hindle! You’re absolutely right. We did make the Director invisible.”

“Aha!” Murphy smiled in triumph. “You thought you could fool me, but you was wrong!”

“Commissioner, what are you…?” Lincoln started, but stopped once he saw the brilliant look on the Commissioner’s face. He must be up to something.

“But don’t you see, Hindle?” the Commissioner continued. “We did it to help her out!”

“Huh?” both Lincoln and Murphy asked, confusedly.

“You know how you always say no one gets to see the Director while she’s busy? Well, she’s incredibly busy right now. So busy she hasn’t had chance to speak this entire time, because of all the work she has. So we made her invisible to make sure that nobody could see her, so that she wouldn’t be disturbed. See?”

Hindle gazed in confusion for a time. Then he smiled happily.

“Ohhhhh,” he said, his body relaxing in an instant. “That makes sense, alright. That’s pretty clever!”

“I knew you’d think so,” the Commissioner resisted the urge to wipe his brow in relief. “Now why don’t you go back outside and make doubly sure she’s not seen, ok?”

“OK,” Murphy nodded, and resumed his post in front of the now broken door. Lincoln hopped off his back and shook the Commissioner’s hand.

“Smart thinking, sir,” he said admiringly.

“Aw, forget about it Mr. Lincoln,” the Commissioner replied modestly. “Just glad I was able to help.”

“You’ve been a great help, chum. And drop the Mister. You can just call me Lincoln.”

The Commissioner looked proud. “And you can call me…the Commissioner.”

“I will continue to do so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d better got catch up with our old friend Booth.”

“He’s no friend of mine,” the Commissioner frowned.

“Nor mine, I was just…forget it. You get in touch with your superiors and inform them of what’s happened. I’ll go after Booth.”

“But gosh Lincoln, will you be alright? You said it yourself, your Lincoln powers have disappeared. How will you get them back?”

“Let me worry about that, Commissioner.”

“OK. Well, how will you know where to find him?”

“Let me worry about that too.”

“Fine. But how about worrying about how you’re going to stop Booth once you catch him?”

“I think it’s probably best just to leave all the worrying to me, friend. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a rat that needs putting in a trap.”

Lincoln ran through the office and leapt threw the hole in the window, falling safely to the ground below. You know what amazes me? Both Lincoln and Booth survived the fall, despite the fact it was from the top of the building to the bottom. I guess it goes to show, if you’re prepared for it, you can survive anything. Well, you can survive falls apparently. I wouldn’t take that as solid advice. I am not a medical man.

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 4.5

“Lincooooooln” the Commissioner jumped into the path of the oncoming bullet. He may have been foolish enough to follow Booth around for the past few weeks, but he could still redeem himself by stopping the devil from another successful assassination.

“Don’t worry, Commissioner,” said Lincoln, catching the Commissioner in mid-air. “I think Mr. Booth will find things aren’t all that they seem. Observe.”

He held up the bullet for all to see.

“It seems that among my new powers, I’m quicker than the human eye,” Abe smiled, crushing the bullet into dust. “But I appreciate your sentiment, Commissioner. It means a lot to know a man will take a bullet for you.”

“Ah, it was nothing. Just my way of saying ‘sorry for helping the bad guy’.”

“You’re not to blame, Commissioner. Now what’s say we take down this confounded confederate once and for all?”

“Sounds good to me, Mr. President!”

“Oh, how very touching,” Booth sneered. “If you two girls can stop with your little friendship bracelet making, you may have noticed I’m halfway out the window.”

“Why would you alert us to that?” the Commissioner mused.

“And more importantly, where are you off to?” Lincoln demanded.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Indeed I would. That’s why I asked you.”

“Well I’m not going to tell you. But I will say this.”

Booth pressed the button on the intercom he’d been holding. “Murphy, this is the Director,” he said in his womanly voice. “Lincoln and the Commissioner have gone mad and made me invisible. They’re planning to destroy WIPE! Get in here and kill them!”

Booth threw the intercom away. “Adios, Lincoln! So sorry your death couldn’t be at my own hand, but I’ve got a play to catch!”

The sinister sound of the madman’s laughter rang clearly as he fell to the ground below. Lincoln went to grab him, but before he could reach the window, he was caught from behind by one of the office doors. There, muscles bursting and face a’frowning, was Murphy Hindle, the security guard.

“What did you do to the Director?!” he screamed.

“Hindle, stand down!” the Commissioner ordered. “The Director was actually John Wilkes Booth in disguise! He just leapt out that window!”

“Lies!” Hindle beat his chest in anger. “You made the Director invisible! Now you must pay!”

“Don’t worry, Commissioner. I’ll make short work of this deluded doorman.”

Lincoln wound up and delivered a mighty punch towards Hindle’s solar plexus. But to his astonishment, the guard merely stood there, as if he’d only been grazed by a fly.

“What the…?” Lincoln looked confusedly at his fist. “But I put all my strength into that blow. Unless…oh no!”

“Lincoln, what’s wrong?” the Commissioner asked, trying to find something heavy he could use to smack around Hindle’s head.

“My Lincoln powers…I think they’ve run out!”

Oh no! Talk about inconveniences! Is this the end of our hero?

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 4.4

“Well put my pipe in a child’s mouth and arrest me for aiding and abetting underage smoking!” the Commissioner shouted in surprise. And why not? This is quite the shocking state of affairs. Lincoln’s killer, the only man that could stop the juggernaut of justice, not only survived his execution, but apparently still lives to this day! I’d be quite interested in learning how they pulled that off, wouldn’t you?

“John Wilkes Booth!” Lincoln growled. “At last we meet face to face.”

“As opposed to face to back of the head?” Booth sneered malevolently. “Yes, get a good look at my face, Lincoln. Since it seemed to offend you so much before, this time I’ll make sure you know I’m going to kill you. Feel better now?”

“Knowing that you still walk this Earth is enough to make me want to punch a water buffalo in the face,” Lincoln bit his lip, trying to contain his anger.

“Excellent point you almost raised, Lincoln,” the Commissioner stepped forward. “Just how is it you are still walking the Earth, anyway? Are you a…a…ghost?”

Booth laughed. “No ghost am I, unless it’s the ghost of the past come to haunt our friend Lincoln here.”

“…Is it?”

“No.”

“Then are you a zombie?”

“No!”

“…A werewolf?”

“No no no!” Booth stomped the ground in anger. “I am none of those things! Nor am I a banshee, a boogieman or anything supernatural! I stand before you today because of the efforts of a shadowy organisation that would kill me for even speaking its name to you.”

“What the devil are you on about?” Lincoln clenched his fists, ready to punch the living daylights out of Booth.

“You may very well mention the devil, for it might be him that’s behind it! Suffice to say, I represent an evil coalition of diabolical forces that are dedicated only to the cause of evil! To this end, they revived me from my decomposing state and provided me the resources to infiltrate this goody-goody organisation.”

“Then you mean…the Director…?” the Commissioner stammered.

Booth gave a toothy smile. “Me all along. Didn’t you think it strange that you only heard of this mysterious Director only a few weeks ago?”

“I just assumed you’d been transferred. I never thought…oh no…”

“Oh yes! Thanks to my brilliant acting skills, it was child’s play to trick the pitiful idiots of this organisation. All except our new arrival, it seems. You may have seen through my cunning ruse, Lincoln, but it won’t do you any good! I’ll still finish what I started all those many years ago, and get rid of you once and for all!” Booth gave a nasty, sinister laugh. Boo, hiss!

 “But Booth, why? Why go to all this trouble? You’d already managed to finish me off before, why would you make such an effort to resurrect me just to kill me again?”

“You think this was my idea?” Booth spat at the very thought of such a thing. “As far as I was concerned, you could stay deep within the cold, wormfilled ground. But Project Pendragon was always a possibility. My new comrades thought it best to nip it in the bud before it could stab them in the back, if you’ll permit me to mix my metaphors for a moment.”

“I don’t believe I shall.”

“Well too late, I already did! Anyway, once they learnt of the project’s existence, they knew it would just be a matter of time before you were brought back to life to stop their efforts. That’s why they revived me beforehand, the only one who could ever stop you. It was my mission to resurrect you, get you alone and then murder you once again. And although the plans have been changed a little, I think I’ll do just that!”

Booth slammed his palm onto the desk behind him, making a drawer shoot out. He reached into it and pulled out a revolver. “And I suppose I’ll have to get rid of the Commissioner too. Which frankly I’m somewhat happy about.”

“Hey!” The Commissioner huffed indignantly.

“Well Lincoln? Any more questions while you can still ask them?” Booth readied the gun.

“Just one, you villainous thespian….why a woman?”

“Eh?”

“Well, if there never was a real Director, and you could have picked any disguise…why did you choose a woman? Surely it would have been easier to play a man, not to mention more convincing. So why did you pick a woman?”

“…Shut up, that’s why! I don’t have to explain my actions to you anymore! Now die!”

Booth squeezed the trigger and fired. Is this the end of our hero?

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 4.3

The Director did a double take so amusing that to even attempt to describe it would ruin the experience, so let’s not bother.

“Me? Booth? Am? John?” she spluttered and coughed like an elephant that has had a nervous reaction to a tetanus vaccination. “I don’t know whether to laugh or vomit in rage!”

“Thunderation and hellfire, this is getting exciting,” the Commissioner rubbed his hands with glee. “I can’t wait to see where this ends.”

“It’ll end with our friend Mr. Lincoln here in a straitjacket, that’s where,” the Director fumed, taking another glass of fine Kentucky bourbon. “I trust you have some proof to support these wild allegations.”

“The only proof I have…is the truth! The greatest proof of all. But since you ask, I do have a line of argument that led me to that conclusion. If I may?”

“Please do. I can’t wait to hear your crazy explanations. Before I throw you into the Refuge for the People that Aren’t Quite Mentally Stable.”

“Thank you,” Lincoln took to the floor. “My suspicions as to your real identity were aroused when we first met. You used the phrase ‘It’s good to see you’.”

“So?”

“You made the mistake of choosing a disguise that had an eye patch. And I was standing in your blind spot. Therefore it wasn’t good to see me at all. I knew something was up straight away. That made me think…what kind of actor would want to see me?”

Lincoln made his way towards the globe-like drinks cabinet. “I didn’t suspect anything at the time, merely a passing fancy. But it influenced my decision to go for Kentucky bourbon. Then, when I noticed you drink it as well, I began to think I was onto something. A woman eagerly drinking a Southern bourbon, when there was perfectly good martini waiting for you? I was very concerned indeed. That’s why I asked my good friend, the Commissioner, to stay behind. In case there was any trouble.

“What confirmed it in my mind though was how you reacted to my disparaging comments on John Wilkes Booth, after you brought him up I might add. You seemed to take quite the offense, when anyone else would have let it slide. And finally, you tried to stop me from helping the good citizens of Detroit, when any real leader of a world institute for protection in emergencies would have been glad to let me help out.

Lincoln pointed another accusatory finger, meaning twice the accusation! “Therefore, it only remains for you to drop this charade and reveal yourself as that dangerous felon and lousy actor, John Wilkes Booth.”

The Director stared, a look of shock and horror on her face. Lincoln remained resolute in his accusing pose. The Commissioner looked back and forth between the two, waiting to see who would crack first.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” the Director threw her glass to the floor. “The fact that you made such a conclusion from such asinine deductions, or the fact that you’re totally right. For you see…”

The Director ripped off her clothes, revealing a fancy three piece suit, and peeled off the latex mask covering her face. Or should I say his face? For the face underneath bore a menacing moustache, which was attached to an abhorrent actor of diabolical intent.

“I am John Wilkes Booth!”

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 4.2

“An imposter? Me? What on Earth are you going on about?” the Director gave a slight smile.

“Dash and blazes Lincoln!” said the Commissioner, who was much better at showing indignation than the Director was. “What in the name of tasty sundried tomatoes are you babbling about? The Director, an imposter? Madness!”

“I assure you Commissioner, it’s no madness,” Lincoln began to pace up and down the room. “If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to bring up one or two little points that led me to this conclusion.”

“Fire away,” the Director took a seat. “It should be an amusing experience. Especially given that you’re accusing me of being an imposter, when you’ve hardly known me long enough to know what to look for.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, ma’am,” Lincoln shook his head. “I’m not accusing you of being an imposter of the Director. I’m accusing you of being an imposter…of a woman!”

“Damnation and hellfire, of course she’s a woman! Look at that womanliness. Femininity practically exudes from her. It’s…it’s…”

The Commissioner took a long, hard look at the Director, as if for the first time. “You know something, Mr. Lincoln? You might be onto something there.”

The Director frowned. “I hope you’re prepared to take a 5% pay cut for your misogynistic remarks, Commissioner.”

“I wouldn’t worry about losing any pay, my friend,” Abe put a reassuring hand on the crestfallen Commissioner’s shoulder. “After we’re done here, I doubt the Director here will be in a position to make decisions.”

“Half rhymes aside, Lincoln, what proof do you have that I’m not 100% woman?”

“Because I know who you really are, of course. But even if I didn’t, face facts. Your clothes aren’t coordinated. You’re wearing open toe shoes in a professional setting. You’re wearing too little foundation, and too much blush. You’re no more a woman than I am.”

“You seem to be the one holding all the fashion tips,” the Director sneered.

“True enough, sir,” Lincoln held the lapels of his suit. “However, as I said, I know who you really are. So why don’t you drop this charade and reveal yourself?”

“You can’t be serious, Lincoln! In here, with two men watching? Think of the scandal!”

“I wasn’t suggesting he disrobe, Commissioner. Rather, I was suggesting he stop this ridiculous pretence of being a woman and just admit who he is.”

“And who would that be, if you’re so sure,” the Director gave a nonchalant look.

“Someone I admit I only knew briefly in life, but in the short time that our paths crossed, it changed my life forever. Someone with the skills to pull off such a convincing act, and the motive necessary to commit to it in the first place. Someone who I certainly cannot allow to go any further, and who definitely shouldn’t be allowed to run free in a high level facility such as this.”

“Stop stalling man, and come out with it! Who do you mistakenly believe me to be?”

Lincoln pointed an accusatory finger. “Why, none other than my would-be assassin! John Wilkes Booth!”

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 4.1

Lincoln zoomed through the air like a small, human-shaped cruise missile, making his way back to WIPE headquarters as fast as he could. It was a little more difficult than expected, given that the only real clue he had to its location was a vague sense that he was going in the right direction. After all, it wasn’t like the headquarters of a super secret organisation was going to be signposted. He wasn’t even sure what the building looked like, having not given a glance backwards during his excursion to Detroit.

Suddenly, he came upon a strange complex of buildings standing in a desert-like area, most probably a desert. ‘Most decidedly peculiar’ is what Lincoln would have said, if that was the way he talked. It wasn’t often that people constructed buildings in a desert, and it was unlikely they’d gotten there naturally. Unless in this strange new world, people had developed a way to make buildings spring up from deserts. Who knows? Our hero certainly doesn’t.

Working back through his journey to Detroit, he calculated that it had taken the same time to travel from there to here as it had done to travel from WIPE HQ to the badger-ridden city. Upon further reflection though, he had to admit that he was totally just guessing that. He hadn’t really been keeping track. Thus could he not say for certain whether these were the right buildings or not.

It wouldn’t do to just barge in through the front door. If it turned out this was just a block of apartments or a movie set or something, it could cause serious damage and worse, high levels of embarrassment. For all he knew, this was someone’s crazy art sculpture, one that no doubt highlighted the stark nature of man’s relationship with his environment, or some such flimshoosh. Flimshoosh is a word they used to use back in Lincoln’s day. It’s true, trust me! What? I don’t need to share my sources with you! Get out!

There had to be some clue, some way of knowing for sure if these was the right place to be. Abe checked the walls, the windows, the doors, anything that might give some clue. Alas, nothing. This place wasn’t giving up its secrets.

Stretched for ideas, he decided to take a look at the roofs. As he floated higher and higher into the air, he realised that the buildings had been built in strange shapes, almost looking like numbers or letters. After getting past a certain point, Abe realised that they spelt out ‘3dIM’.

“What could ‘3dIM’ stand for?”  Lincoln scratched his beard in thought. He racked and racked his brains, trying to think of a solution, an explanation for this strange collection of numerals and letterals. Then, as he tilted his head, he smiled.

“Of course! How could I have been so stupid? It’s so obvious now.”

He stretched out a finger. “I need to go to those buildings right next to it that spell out WIPE! I can’t believe I didn’t notice that before.”

With that little puzzle cleared up, he quickly flew towards the real WIPE headquarters. Finding the hole he’d previously used to exit, Lincoln decided to be environmentally friendly and recycle the hole into an entrance. Inside he found the Commissioner on the telephone.

“No dear, I’ve only been smoking today. Yes dear, I was offered a drink, but no dear, I didn’t take it, I was good. Although I really think under the circumstances it should have been allowed, I mean, how often do you get the chance to drink with a president? Yes dear, I know he’s a former president, but you know, he didn’t get to take his second term. I’m just saying dear, maybe he has to go back and finish it off or something. Oh, gotta go honey, he’s just come back. Yes dear, I’ll see if he’ll sign your logs for you. Uh huh, goodbye. Welcome back, Mr. Lincoln,” the Commissioner dropped the phone onto the receiver.

“Thank you, Commissioner. Forgive the little interruption there.”

“No worries, sir. Did you have any luck against the badger people?”

“Let’s just say I badgered them into submission,” Lincoln smiled drily.

“If it’s alright with you Lincoln, I’d prefer we didn’t say that.”

“Very well. Then let’s say I beat up a giant badger and threw it really far.”

“That’s a much better thing to say. I’d drink to that!”

The telephone rang. The Commissioner answered it.

“I was being metaphorical dear, I wasn’t going to have a real drink. And stop listening in on my conversations!”

He slammed the phone down. “I swear she must have me bugged or something. The Director will be along shortly, Mr. Lincoln. She’s just powdering her nose, or whatever it is women do in the bathroom.”

At that moment, they heard a toilet flush, and the Director walked out of the lavatory door. Abe couldn’t help but marvel at how many things seemed to happen at a narratively convenient pace.

“Ah, Lincoln, you’re back,” she said shortly. “Good. If we can avoid any further little treks off to promote violence against woodland creatures, I’d like it if we can get to the reason you’re here.”

“I’d like nothing better, Director,” Lincoln gave her a piercing gaze, “But first I’d like to ask you a question.”

“What is it?” the Director sighed, clearly having enough with this tomfoolery.

“Who are you really?”

“Why, I’m the Director of course!”

“I beg to differ. I put it to you, madam…or sir…that you are in fact, an imposter!”

Dun dun duhhhh!

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 3.7

“Hurray, hurray” the people of Detroit cheered, as the badger men grumblingly unlocked their chains “Three cheers for the man dressed like Abraham Lincoln!”

“Not just dressed as Abraham Lincoln,” Lincoln rose above the gathering crowd. “I am Abraham Lincoln!”

“What? No way!” said a dissenting voice.

“Abe Lincoln was taller than you!” came a second.

“And he couldn’t fly!” claimed a third.

“Also he’s dead!” said the first voice.

“Well duh,” said the second in response. “I thought we were taken that for granted.

“It’s a fairly major obstacle to his claim though, I thought it was worth mentioning.”

“Well it wasn’t, I think we all realised that.”

“He’s right,” said the third voice. “I thought we were taking it as read that he was claiming to be a resurrected version of Abraham Lincoln.”

“Precisely, thank you Mr. Third Person.”

“No problem, Miss Second Voice. That Mr. First One, he thinks he’s so smart all the time.”

“Hey, now that’s not fair!” the first voice spoke again. “You two are ganging up on me! I was only making a valid point.”

“Nobody wants to hear it!” the second voice shouted. “And furthermore, I…hey!”

Lincoln had lifted the person who had been speaking. “Sir, please. If you’re going to call my honesty into question, at least have the decency not to put on three different voices while doing it. Now honestly, what was that in aid of?”

“I dunno,” the man shrugged. “I just wanted attention.”

“Well you got the wrong type. Now shut up. Rest assured, good folk,” Abe continued, throwing the man back into the crowd, “I am indeed Abraham Lincoln, brought back to life via some mysterious means. I’m here for an as yet unrelated purpose by a shadowy organisation of unknown motivations. I hope that clears everything up for you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some unfinished business elsewhere.”

And with that, Abe rocketed back towards the direction of WIPE headquarters. It was time to wrap up a few loose ends. Or maybe snip a few loose ends. Whatever it is you do with loose ends.

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 3.6

“Now, just stay back, Badger Stomping Jones,” the Badger King spluttered, trying to edge his way back to his set without being noticed. “Let’s not do anything one of us will regret.”

“Oh, I don’t think I’ll regret beating you up,” Lincoln smirked, smacking his fist into his palm.

“You may not, but I surely will. Look, can’t we come to some kind of arrangement? How about I make you a duke? I know how much you humans love being dukes.”

“Actually, there is something you can do for me,” Abe stopped pounding his fist, but continued advancing towards the Badger King.

“Oh, thank you. Name it. Anything! An earldom, a sandwich named after you, a coupon for the fast food restaurant of your choice, anything!”

“Let these people go!”

“Ah, now about that. How about, no, but I do give you a fabulous new car? One specially modified to run in underground burrows? Tempted?”

“No. Let these people go, and restore Detroit to its former glory. Or at least to an adequate state of repair.

“Yeah, um, how about, and just think about this, don’t make a decision too soon, but how about…a boat? A really big boat! Practically new, never used before. There’s not really much need for a boat underground, don’t know why I bothered getting it in the first place really. But you know, being a king, it’s the sort of thing you have to have.  But you can have it though, all yours. Deal?”

“No. Allow me to make a counter offer,” Lincoln had made it so close to the Badger King that they were practically kissing, if they were the sort of people who were into homosexual interspecies romance, and what would be wrong with that if they were? I’m open minded like that. “You will let these fine people free, you will repair Detroit to how it was before, and then you will get out of here and not return. Otherwise I will be forced to come back and place my well sized boot into your black and white behind. Deal?”

The Badger King gulped. “Deal.”

“Good,” Abe pulled back and flashed the King a smile. “I’m glad that my untimely demise did not affect my diplomacy skills in any way.”

The Badger King nervously blew on a horn that was around his neck, causing every badger person in the area to look up.

“My people,” he cried, “Our time here is at an end. We have put up a good front, and we should all be very proud of ourselves. Alas, we have been beaten by a superior opponent, yea, one who could even best the might of Ranko, beloved champion of our…anyway,” he continued hastily, as Lincoln gave him a ‘hurry it up or get punched in the face’ gesture,  “the point is, everyone has to go back underground now. Oh, and free all the slaves while you’re at it. Gotta go!”

And with that, he scurried away into the ground from which he’d come from. Yah boo, sucks to you Badger King! I hope you enjoyed your little humiliation, ‘cos there’s plenty more where that came from should you misbehave again! Sorry to gloat, but I just hate that guy so much.

The Awesome Adventure of Abraham Lincoln-Chapter 3.5

Dodging and diving around Ranko’s tree-like paws (in that they were big and thick, not like they had branches or anything like that), Lincoln stroked his beard trying to think of a solution. He could try the knee trick again, but that would only get him so far. Even if he managed to dispose of the Badger King, he’d still have to take care of this monstrosity when it came to. No, clearly he was going to have to take this beast out first. But how?

“I don’t suppose Ranko has any hidden weaknesses you’d like to share with me?” he said to the Badger King. It never hurt to ask.

“Ha! The only weakness he has is for the great taste of insect balls,” the King jeered.

“Insect balls! I could get a whole bunch of them together, throw them towards the Sun, and he’ll roast himself alive chasing after them! No, wait, that won’t work. Then there’d be the smell of burning insect everywhere, it’d stink up the solar system. Does he have any other weaknesses?”

“Nope! This guy’s like a dinosaur, which I think I may have mentioned previously. But that‘s the word that best describes this guy. Look at him! He couldn’t be more dinosaur-like if he was actually a giant lizard. Roaring and chomping and swiping at things. One time, I thought about putting scales on him, you know, as a joke? Get him on National Geographic. But then I decided to conquer humanity instead. Anyway, the point is he has no weaknesses, much as the mighty dinosaur did not.”

“Alright you monarchical miscreant, I get the idea. But it’s not going to help me out in this situation,” Lincoln frowned for a moment. “Or is it?”

“RANKOOOOOOO!”

“Yes yes, you made your point perfectly clear. Now shut up, I think I’m onto something. Dinosaurs….big, scaly, turn into coal when you stick them underground long enough…but this guy’s from the underground…so maybe…how did they get there in the first place?”

It was like a light bulb went on in Abe’s head, as he clicked his fingers and did other little gestures to show he’d had an idea. First, he ran around to Ranko’s back again, as he had done before. Only this time, instead of waiting for Ranko to strike, he flew high into the air, accelerating faster and faster through the stratosphere, the atmosphere, the ionosphere, but not necessarily in that order. To find out which order it should be would be too much time researching and not enough time describing this super sweet move that Lincoln’s about to do!

For you see, after taking a vertical U-turn to preserve momentum, Abe charged down, fists forward, the intense speed threatening to burn him up on re-entry. But it takes more than increased air resistance to stop our hero apparently, so he zoomed towards Earth as if he had a Teflon coating. The piercing scream of an incoming object wailed through the air as Lincoln landed fist-first into Ranko’s head.

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAANKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the monstrous badger yelled out, as the immense force shot through his normally insensitive nerves. He could not ignore this amount of pain! In fact, it was enough to send him straight into a coma. Well, something coma-like. I’m no medical man.

“I call that my Meteor Smash,” Abe grinned.

The Badger King could not help but look impressed. “Very clever. I see how you earned your reputation in badger stomping. However, you haven’t killed him, and as soon as he rises…hey, what are you doing?”

With great effort, Lincoln picked up the hulking badger creature and tossed him across the horizon. Hurray for Abe!

“What? Where…where did you send him?” the Badger King stammered.

“To a little place called the Arctic circle. I figure that’s a nice, out of the way place for a giant badger beast,” Lincoln cracked his knuckles. “And now let’s see what we can do about you.”

Don’t look now folks, but I think someone’s going to get beaten up a lot. And it’s probably going to be the Badger King. I just have a hunch. Also I write the damn things, so I always know what’s going on. In theory.