You may be spared the crude, vulgar and somewhat bizarre account of what the Commissioner did in the Human Waste Removal and Sanitising Department. Suffice to say, human waste was removed, and sanitising happened. He rejoined Lincoln inside the library, where he found the former president looking at a strange helmet.
“Ah, I see you found SID,” he smiled.
“Apparently so,” Lincoln replied, studying the helmet with great attention. “And what a pleasure it is to find someone else who gives names to their headwear. I think we’ve got a new friend for you, Stovey,” he said to his hat.
“Oh no, no, I see what you did there, but no. Although my aunt has a bonnet she likes to call Doreen. Anyway, SID stands for Super Information Downloader. It downloads into your brain a vast amount of information, so you can find out about things quickly. Very handy for avoiding lengthy fill in sessions. Say for example, you wear to put it on your head right now.”
“Very well,” Lincoln removed Stovey, placed him carefully on a nearby desk, and placed the SID on his head.
“Perfect. Now if I were to programme in, say, world history from 1865 to present day, like so,” the Commissioner tapped the buttons on the side of the helmet, “then theoretically…”
But his words were interrupted by the painful cry of a tall, bearded man being forced an insane amount of information into his brain at one time. Which, if you’ve never heard it, is quite a memorable sound indeed.
“Yes, that’s exactly what would happen!” the Commissioner clapped. “Well, what we imagine would happen, anyway. We haven’t actually tested it out on humans yet. Thinking about it, it was a bit reckless of me to put it on you just now. Terribly sorry about that.”
“No need…to apologise,” Lincoln wearily removed the SID and handed it to his companion. “Should have realised it would…have been messy. But by gad, it’s worked. I know….I know everything. Computers, the atom bomb, the civil rights movement, rock and roll, the rise and subsequent fall of jazzercise, sliced bread, and all the wonderful inventions that followed it. I must say, things have developed greatly since my time.”
“That’s what I like about you, Lincoln,” the Commissioner shook his head admiringly. Any other man would have gone insane with all that knowledge going into his head like that. Hell, I’ve seen it happen to hamsters. Lots of hamsters going insane, needing little hamster therapy sessions and medication put into food pellets. But you, you’re no hamster. You’re special. You’re just the man we need. And that’s why it’s time to go see…The Director!”
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