A lot has been said about the life of Abraham Lincoln, and rightly so. Love him or hate him, you have to love him. Admired was he not just in his home country, but on his visits throghout the world. Well, not the whole world. Abe rarely visited Africa, or Asia, or Australia. And though he did go to the Arctic, he requested it be kept off the record. Who knows about Antarctica? Penguins are known for being notoriously secretive about their culture. Did Lincoln even visit Europe? I thought he did, but in retrospect it seems unlikely. And I don't think he visited South America. I'm not entirely sure he visited Canada either. Oh well.
In any case, he was certainly loved in his home county. Except by the Confederates, obviously. Come to think of it, it seems quite a lot of people didn't like him at all. But those who did like him, oh man did they like him! And why not? Let's review the facts:
Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands. He was a humble but studious child, writing his homework on the back of a shovel, which was also handy for beating up teachers who disagreed with him. It was as a child that he would learn the values that would help guide him through life, values such as ‘Honesty is the best policy’, ‘respect and honour your family’ and ‘being poor really sucks’.
From these modest beginnings, young Lincoln worked his way into the ranks of the Illinois state legislature, in spite his lack of formal education, impressing many voters by his ability to be really tall. Shortly thereafter he became the greatest lawyer in the state of Illinois, earning his law degree in between friendly bouts of bear-wrestling. In 23 years Lincoln was involved in more than 5,100 legal cases, which sounds impressive until one realises that most of them were simply filing a writ, which is probably even more boring than it sounds. It is widely believed he would have taken on a lot more exciting cases had he not been so busy with the aforementioned bear-wrestling.
Lincoln remembered well the lessons he learnt in the courtroom. It was these experiences that would see him through the rest of his entire political career, from the beginnings in the infamous Lincoln-Douglas debate-and-surfing-contest to what some would consider the pinnacle of his achievements, becoming the 16th President of the United States. Some devout fans would forever consider his win against ‘Gangly Gent’ Geraldson in the Kentucky Wrestling Federation Championship to be a more significant victory.
It was during this time that he fought in what was eventually called the American Civil War, a name that Guns and Roses would later call into question. What many people fail to realise is that Lincoln actually did get his hands dirty during the conflict, secretly fighting legions of General Lee’s Confedatrons, built and operated by slaves that Lincoln would send to freedom, thus ensuring the careers of both Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr.
After the Civil War, Lincoln made a most famous and, some would say, righteous speech, called the Gettysburg Address, in which he addressed Gettysburg to the cheers of many. Right after this he was picked up by Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan, and took part in what was deemed by many to be an excellent adventure.
Two weeks later, Lincoln took his good wife Mary, a woman who had a phenomenal impact on his life and whom we sadly neglected to mention until now (But that shouldn't stop you finding out more, dear readers! Go out and seek that knowledge!), to the Ford Theatre to watch the play ‘Our American Cousin’. It was a decision he would later come to regret, partly due to the unimpressive performance of the lead actress, and partly due to being shot in the head. The assassin, by name of John Wilkes Booth, famously used the line ‘Sic Semper Tyrannis’ after killing the President, which he had been told by a friendly Latin scholar would go down a treat with historians.
Lincoln did fairly well for a man shot in the head, waiting a whole nine hours to die, which conveniently allowed them to get him out of the theatre seat before the smell of death fused with the leatherback chair. If you've never attempted to get that macabre odour out of leather, I advise against it. He was later buried in a coffin, supplanted under several feet of concrete to prevent John Wilkes Booth from attempting to shoot the corpse.
Many people believe this to be the end of the story of Abraham Lincoln, for understandable reasons, but they are grossly mistaken. This is in fact only the beginning of the end of the middle of Lincoln’s life, and in these posts, we shall move onto the end of the end of the middle of Lincoln’s life.
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