Scanning the area, Abe spotted a chain gang nearby. He stealthily made his way towards them, trying to keep out of sight of the badger supervisor who was soundly whipping them. It looked like they were being made to dig another of the badger’s many sets.
“Faster, you lazy humans!” the badger snarled, snapping the whip into the air. “Dig for the glory of the badger people!”
“Why are you doing this?” a woman cried, tears running down her face. “Why won’t you let us go?”
“Silence!” the badger cracked his whip against the woman’s back. “Get back to work! These sets aren’t going to build themselves, you know. And even if they were, we’d make you build them anyway!”
“But why are we building these sets for you?” a man asked, wiping the blood and sweat from his brow. “These inferior shovels you provided are surely no better than your claws for digging?”
“Silence again! What’s the point of having slaves if you don’t make them do things for you? Besides, the tarmac you humans coat the ground with would damage our paws if we tried to tunnel through it.”
“I think you’re about to have them damaged anyway!” Lincoln came out of hiding, no longer able to stomach the sight of free men and women in chains.
“Look, off to the side!” a slave shouted.
“It’s an undertaker!”
“It’s Daniel Day Lewis!”
“No, it’s…Abraham Lincoln?”
“That’s right, citizens,” Lincoln stood tall and proud. (No! No! Bad reader! Stop making your own jokes!) “And I’m here to emancipate you from these badger scoundrels.”
The badger snorted. “I don’t know what an Abraham Lincoln is, but I bet it doesn’t like whips!” He snapped the whip straight at our hero. Oh no! The suspense!
“You’re right, I don’t,” Lincoln snappily remarked, grabbing the whip in mid-air and giving it a mighty tug. The badger man, foolishly still holding the handle, was propelled forward towards the bearded superfellow, heading snout first into an all-American fist! Take that, you insect-eating menace!
“Hurray!” the slaves cried as Lincoln proceeded to give that no-good weasel (yes, apparently badgers are weasels. Who knew? Seriously, I know you think I’m joking, but go check it out) a good old fashioned beating.
“Help!” the badger screamed, drawing the attention of his fellow slavers, who came to his aid with whips held high.
“Alright badgers. He who would wish to tumble, shall step forward for the rumble,” said Lincoln, before diving fist-first into the oncoming crowd of attackers.
“I don’t know who this guy is, but I like the way he beats up badgers,” said one of the slaves, as Abe showed those whip-wielding weasels (I seriously can’t get over that) what for.
“I like how he beats up a white and black foe, which is like a metaphor for race relations. ‘Cos you know, he beats them up equally, without discrimination,” a more intellectually-inclined slave explained.
“Yeah, it’s nice to have a hero who doesn’t make prejudices,” a third slave agreed. “But why do you think he dressed like Abe Lincoln?”
“Who cares?” a fourth slave argued. “He can dress as any ex-president he likes, as long as he’s on our side.”
Lincoln made short work of the slaver badgers, who weren’t used to humans fighting back, and turned his attention back to the slaves.
“Let me help with those chains, my friends,” he smiled, snapping them in twain to the sound of an adoring crowd. “Now leave quickly, citizens! Unless I miss my guess, things are going to get a lot hotter around here.
“Hotter than you think, hatted man!” came a voice that would have churned any milk that was in the area and also past its sell-by date.
Lincoln turned to face the voice, and beheld quite a spectacle indeed. For there, surrounded by his elite guard, stood the tallest of the badger people, wrapped in an ermine cloak and topped with a shining gold crown. Even if he hadn’t already seen his picture, Abe could easily have guessed who this newcomer was. None other than the leader of this whole affair, the nefarious skunk-like sultan of sadism, the Badger King!
(Apparently some badgers are more closely related to skunks, which you have to admit is a lot more likely than weasels.)
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