Dodging and diving around Ranko’s tree-like paws (in that they were big and thick, not like they had branches or anything like that), Lincoln stroked his beard trying to think of a solution. He could try the knee trick again, but that would only get him so far. Even if he managed to dispose of the Badger King, he’d still have to take care of this monstrosity when it came to. No, clearly he was going to have to take this beast out first. But how?
“I don’t suppose Ranko has any hidden weaknesses you’d like to share with me?” he said to the Badger King. It never hurt to ask.
“Ha! The only weakness he has is for the great taste of insect balls,” the King jeered.
“Insect balls! I could get a whole bunch of them together, throw them towards the Sun, and he’ll roast himself alive chasing after them! No, wait, that won’t work. Then there’d be the smell of burning insect everywhere, it’d stink up the solar system. Does he have any other weaknesses?”
“Nope! This guy’s like a dinosaur, which I think I may have mentioned previously. But that‘s the word that best describes this guy. Look at him! He couldn’t be more dinosaur-like if he was actually a giant lizard. Roaring and chomping and swiping at things. One time, I thought about putting scales on him, you know, as a joke? Get him on National Geographic. But then I decided to conquer humanity instead. Anyway, the point is he has no weaknesses, much as the mighty dinosaur did not.”
“Alright you monarchical miscreant, I get the idea. But it’s not going to help me out in this situation,” Lincoln frowned for a moment. “Or is it?”
“RANKOOOOOOO!”
“Yes yes, you made your point perfectly clear. Now shut up, I think I’m onto something. Dinosaurs….big, scaly, turn into coal when you stick them underground long enough…but this guy’s from the underground…so maybe…how did they get there in the first place?”
It was like a light bulb went on in Abe’s head, as he clicked his fingers and did other little gestures to show he’d had an idea. First, he ran around to Ranko’s back again, as he had done before. Only this time, instead of waiting for Ranko to strike, he flew high into the air, accelerating faster and faster through the stratosphere, the atmosphere, the ionosphere, but not necessarily in that order. To find out which order it should be would be too much time researching and not enough time describing this super sweet move that Lincoln’s about to do!
For you see, after taking a vertical U-turn to preserve momentum, Abe charged down, fists forward, the intense speed threatening to burn him up on re-entry. But it takes more than increased air resistance to stop our hero apparently, so he zoomed towards Earth as if he had a Teflon coating. The piercing scream of an incoming object wailed through the air as Lincoln landed fist-first into Ranko’s head.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAANKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the monstrous badger yelled out, as the immense force shot through his normally insensitive nerves. He could not ignore this amount of pain! In fact, it was enough to send him straight into a coma. Well, something coma-like. I’m no medical man.
“I call that my Meteor Smash,” Abe grinned.
The Badger King could not help but look impressed. “Very clever. I see how you earned your reputation in badger stomping. However, you haven’t killed him, and as soon as he rises…hey, what are you doing?”
With great effort, Lincoln picked up the hulking badger creature and tossed him across the horizon. Hurray for Abe!
“What? Where…where did you send him?” the Badger King stammered.
“To a little place called the Arctic circle. I figure that’s a nice, out of the way place for a giant badger beast,” Lincoln cracked his knuckles. “And now let’s see what we can do about you.”
Don’t look now folks, but I think someone’s going to get beaten up a lot. And it’s probably going to be the Badger King. I just have a hunch. Also I write the damn things, so I always know what’s going on. In theory.
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