“So, we meet at last, you nefarious ne’er-do-well,” Lincoln shook his fist at the regal rapscallion.
“At last? Do I even know you? You say that like we’ve been enemies for years or something. I don’t even know your name.”
“My name is Abraham Lincoln, or as you might want to call me, Badger Stomping Jones.”
“Well Badger Stomping Jones, you may have been able to take on my slavers, but there’s no way you’ll be able to stop my elite guard. Get him, boys!”
“With pleasure, sire,” the two heavily-armed badgers at his sides grinned maliciously, advancing towards our rail-splitting friend. With a ‘zap’ and a ‘pyew’ and a ‘eeeeeeeeooooooooo’, they fired their weapons at Lincoln, firing beam after beam of deadly concentrated laser effects.
But our hero wasn’t going to be defeated so easily. He quickly manoeuvred between the laser blasts using his mighty speed, quickly dodging and moving so that he ended up between the two guards. Panicking at the bearded man’s speed, they fired towards him in quick succession, only to receive the full brunt of their partner’s attack as Abe flipped through the air, out of harm’s way, coming to land in front of the Badger King.
“Looks like your guards need a little more training,” Lincoln laughed in triumph.
“I see now you are no ordinary human,” the Badger King smirked. “But it will do you no good, for I have one last trick up my sleeve.”
“Liar!” Abe jabbed an accusing finger forward. “You don’t even have any sleeves!” You can’t put one over on our hero, no sir!
“Very astutely noticed, you bearded buffoon. But let’s see if your keen powers of observation can help you against my deadliest of warriors.”
He turned to a nearby hole in the ground. “Release Ranko!” he screamed down the hole.
An ear-shattering roar bellowed from the depths below. Lincoln listened in awe as thunderous footsteps echoed throughout each of the sets, long, lumbering footsteps that seemed to shake the very earth beneath their feet. Then, like a leviathan emerging from the depths, or a dragon descending from the sky when observed upside down, emerged a giant, vicious, slobbering, murderous, growling, deadly monster of a badger!
“RANKOOOOOOO!” it screamed, its gruesome gaze fixed on our hero.
“By the dawn’s early light!” Lincoln exclaimed.
“Yes indeed, Herr Badger Stomping Jones,” sneered the Badger King, temporarily taking on a German accent for no apparent reason…other than evil! “You may be able to handle a few badger minions, but let’s see if you can badger this badger! Attack, Ranko!”
“RANKOOOOOOOOOOOO!” came the roar of the mighty best, as it slammed one of its paws towards Lincoln. But our rail-splitting rescuer easily dodged out of the way in time, swerving to the left as the paw collided with the ground. He used this opportunity to thrust a mighty haymaker at the beast, but the creature barely seemed to notice.
“Nice try,” the Badger King laughed cruelly. “But it’ll take more than fists to stop Ranko. He’s like a dinosaur, if dinosaurs were furry and more badger like, and who says they weren’t? You’re not an archaeologist! Unless you are, of course. I wouldn’t know. Are you?”
“The only excavations I make…are of the teeth!” Abe snapped, lunging at Ranko’s mouth. He wasn’t fast enough though, and was quickly swatted away by the brute.
“RANKOOOO!” the creature yelled.
Lincoln grimaced. This was going to be tougher than he thought.
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