Life at sea can be a lonely one, that's for sure. So it's a good thing that most ocean cruise liners have plenty of room for shuffleboard! In fact, Lincoln was so caught up in his shuffling of boards that for the second time today he almost missed something vitally important to his mission. He's going to have to learn to pay more attention.
READERS-Don't you risk getting caught unaware like our friend Abe here. Always pay attention to your surroundings, and learn to improve your observation skills. You may wish to try a simple game known to all bored school teachers and Cub Scout leaders. Gather a bunch of household objects onto a tray. Give yourself a minute to look at everything, then cover the tray with a sheet or large plastic bag. Allow yourself another minute to write down all the items you can remember. Some might say this is more of a memory enhancer than an observation test, but to them I say "Bushwah!" And now back to our story.
Rising from the depths like an object floating up in a bathtub, our distracted hero only just caught sight of the oncoming DSV as it approached the cruise liner. DSV stands for Deep Sea Vehicle, as you'd surely know if you ever watched the popular 90s television show Seaquest DSV. I certainly never watched it. I had far better things to do with my life in the 90s. So for all I know it may have been a classic, but I've never seen a DVD of it available, so take that Rockne O'Bannon! And all your hopes and dreams!
Spotting the invading machine just in time, Lincoln fell to the ship's deck, trying to stay out of sight. It's funny, really. Something coming into sight made something else go out of sight. Don't you think that's funny? No? I mean, not funny 'ha-ha', but funny in a sort of 'how appropriate' sense. Well never mind. Anyway, as Lincoln hid from sight, the lid of the DSV popped open, and out came a sight so bizarre that if Abe had been looking, he probably would have made some old-timey colloquialism.
Out from the sea vehicle came three human-like fish creatures, or if you prefer, fish-like human creatures, each one wearing fancy black suits with white ties. They all had black fedoras atop their heads, with large fins popping out the tops. The one in the middle, with a scar right down his...face? It was hard to tell...was smoking a big thick cigar, which he moved from side to side around his mouth. The two either side were both carrying tommy guns. Aside from this descent into human culture they were completely fish like, with webbed feet, gills, scaly skin and all the other things you'd associate with fish people.
Lincoln risked taking a peek over the side of the deck, taking care to remove his hat to reduce the risk of being spotted. Which is a good thing too, because it would have fallen off when he saw the unbelievable sight. "Jumping horsefeathers," he whispered. Told you so.
The fish-man in the middle removed the cigar from his not-lips and flicked it into the ocean. "Alright youse mugs," he called to his fine finny fiends. "Looks like we got a'nudder one'a those fancy cruise ships. Should make a nice bit a' moichendice, see? So you knows the drill. Fill it full'a lead, strip it down ta da frames and bring it all back for salvage. Capice?"
"Roight boss!" said the others, who Lincoln correctly worked out to be goons.
"Alright good. I'll meet youse guys back at da hideout, see? Don't let nobody spot ya! Now get outta here!"
"Roight boss!" said the goons, hopping into the ocean below as the main fish-man got back inside the DSV. The vehicle sunk back below the surface, and Lincoln watched as the fish-goons got their suits wet swimming towards the cruise liner. What a waste of good fabric, he thought.
Still thankfully unobserved, he looked at the goons stopped a short distance from the ship, and raised their tommy guns to take aim. This looked bad. If they weren't careful, they could pull the trigger and end up shooting at the boat. It was then the penny finally dropped. A Lincoln penny. The time for stealthy observation was other. It was time to act.
"Alright you goons, throw those weapons away!" he said, putting Stovey back on his head as he rose from cover. "I made a promise to the captain of this vessel that I wouldn't let it go down, and I never go back on a promise if I can help it."
"Hey, who's dis mug?" asked the right goon.
"Who cares?" asked the left, or sinister goon. "Waste da wiseguy!"
The two goons changed their aim from the boat to Monsieur Abe. Is our hero about to become Swiss Lincoln? Does that even make sense? There's only one way to find out!
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