“Muwahahahaha! I, John Wilkes Booth, will now shoot my giant gun at the entire world!”
“Not if I have anything to say about it!”
“Abraham Lincoln! Oh no, my plans are foiled!”
“You bet they are! Lincoln punch!”
“Oh no, I am the deads!”
“Rest in peace, you sanctimonious southerner.”
“Oh Lincoln, you’re my hero.”
“Ah ha ha! It was nothing, Mary Todd. Now what’s say we take a holiday in Barbados?”
“I’d love to, my powerful president of pectorals. But first I have to give you your reward for being such a great husband, my knight in shining armour.”
“Why Mary…you’re not going to…”
“That’s right, lover. Tonight the whole girdle comes off.”
“Oh Mary!”
“Oh Abey!”
“Oh Mary!”
Abraham Lincoln was rudely awakened from this dream by the sound of a shrill buzzing noise. After giving himself a moment to fully awaken, he looked around to locate the source of the terrible tone. Curiously, it seemed to be emanating from a watch that was by Lincoln’s side. Puzzled, the righteous railsplitter picked up the timepiece and started pushing the buttons that surrounded it.
“Ah, there you are Lincoln,” came a familiar voice, as the head of the Commissioner appeared over the watch’s face. “Glad to see the signal watch is working properly.”
“The…signal watch?” Abe asked, not sure if he was actually still dreaming. If he was, he really didn’t care for this change in direction.
“Yes, you remember. I gave it to you last night.”
“You neglected to tell me it was a signal watch.”
“I did?” the Commissioner frowned.
“Afraid so, old chum. I thought it was just an ordinary watch.”
“I’m pretty sure I told you it was a signal watch.”
“You really didn’t. In fact, you didn’t so much as hint.”
“Oh whatever. The point is, this will allow me to contact you whenever we need you to go on a highly dangerous mission. Or a lowly dangerous mission. Any kind of mission really. It also lets me see you wherever you are, so if you were, say, out shopping for paints and couldn’t decide which shade of orange looked better, I could help out.”
“An unlikely scenario, Commissioner,” said Lincoln, who had always been more interested in cooler colours like blue and purple. “But I’ll be sure to keep it in mind. So, what’s the emergency?”
“Oh, nothing serious. Really I just wanted to test out the watch. Isn’t it neat?”
“It’s pretty nice alright, though I’m not sure I care for the fact you can potentially see me at all times. Also, I wish you hadn’t tested it at 7.30am on a Saturday. I need my rest, you know.”
“Ah, right, sorry about that Lincoln. Also sorry we couldn’t score you some better digs.”
“Eh?”
“Forgive my modern slang, my historic homie. I meant, I’m sorry we couldn’t get you a better place to sleep.”
“Fear not, Commissioner, I’m used to sleeping rough. Compared to my childhood days on the cold, dirt floor of the family cabin, the broom cupboard on the 5th floor is a palace.”
“Yes, the 5th Floor Storage Facility for Dynamic Sanitation Tools is especially roomy, isn’t it? We’ll have to find you somewhere better soon though.”
“Oh believe me, this will be fine.”
“Lincoln, it’s a broom cupboard. You deserve better.”
“No need to make a fuss, I can manage.”
“You don’t even have a bed Lincoln, you’re sleeping on a pile of mops.”
“It’s surprisingly comfortable. I even fashioned a makeshift blanket out of these old lemon wipes. Now I sleep to the great smell of old citrus.”
“Oh, speaking of blankets, I just remembered! I do in fact have a mission for you,” the Commissioner beamed.
“Fantastic, though I hope it’s not having to go against an army of sentient blankets or anything like that.”
“Nothing so fanciful, Lincoln. It’s actually a mission to investigate and take out a gaggle of ghosts in Antarctica.”
“…And why did blankets remind you of ghosts, Commissioner?” Lincoln raised an eyebrow.
“Well you know, ghosts. Like a kid cutting two holes in a blanket and being a ghost for Halloween.”
“As I recall friend, you were supposed to do that with sheets, not blankets.”
“Really? Fascinating. No wonder my mother always gave me grief in November. Well in any event, we’ve had reports that a bunch of no good ghosts have been scaring residents of the Antarctic region. Get over there and see what all the fuss is about.”
“I’m on it Commissioner, just give me a bit of time to get ready. By the way, how many people actually live in the Antarctic? It doesn’t seem the most hospitable of places.”
“Actually, you’re right. No humans live there, it’s quite the place of solitude. But we have some penguins on our payroll in case anything ever goes on down there, and it appears we’ve hit paydirt.”
Lincoln shook his head disbelievingly. It never ceased to amaze him how prepared WIPE was in the battle against evil. “Very good, Commissioner, I’ll be there once I’m fully dressed. Lincoln out.”
Lincoln pushed a button on the watch, then started to put on his work clothes. Which were also his play clothes, because he had in fact only been given one outfit since returning to the living. Next time he had chance, he would have to consult a tailor.
“Oh darn,” the gangly crusader mildly cursed as he finished buttoning up. “I should have asked the Commissioner whereabouts in the Antarctic I’d need to go.”
“Don’t worry Lincoln, I’ve uploaded the coordinates to your watch,” said the timepiece.
“Commissioner? You’re still there?”
“You didn’t actually turn off the watch, pal. I’ve been here watching the whole time you were getting dressed.”
There was a very awkward pause.
“I think I’m going to go now, Commissioner.”
“That would be for the best. Over and out.”
The screen reverted back to an ordinary clock face. Still, Lincoln made sure to cover the watch with his sleeve as he set off towards Antarctica.
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