Abraham Lincoln was maxing and relaxing in his new Log Cabin of Solitude, whiling away the time before his next awesome adventure. His recently-installed hot tub was certainly helping him to take it easy, the bubbles gently loosening up his ripped, manly body. As he sank deeper into the tub, he turned over to feel his thick abdominal muscles getting massaged by the bubbling water. I threw that in so the female readers could have something nice to think about tonight. You’re welcome, ladies.
Before Abe could move down to his pectoral muscles (you’re welcome for that too), the shrill sound of the signal watch screeched from the side of the tub. With a hefty sigh, Lincoln reached out and grabbed the offending timepiece.
“What’s the trouble, Commissioner?” he asked.
“Oh, nothing too major Lincoln,” said the Commissioner. “At least, not for a man of your talents. Only it appears a giant meteor is headed straight for the Earth. If you could just punch it out of the way for us, it would be a big help.”
“Happy to oblige, Comissioner. Let me just get dressed and I’ll get right on it.”
“Sure, sure…although do you really need to get dressed? It’s not like anyone can see you, after all. No one’s going to be looking at you in space, are they?”
“I’d rather not take that risk, old chum,” said Abe, pulling himself out of the tub. “Besides, it’s pretty chilly out in space, you know. You don’t want me to catch a cold, do you? In fact, I think I’d better put on a scarf, or some gloves maybe, just in case.”
“Oh, well obviously your health is very important to me Lincoln,” the Commissioner explained. “Very much so. Only, it really is a very big meteor, twice the size of the Moon in fact, and it’s heading for us rather rapidly. So if you could shake a leg a little bit, maybe just go tackle it right now, that would really help us out.”
“I understand, Commissioner,” Abe reassured his old friend, slipping on his boxer shorts. “No scarf or gloves. I’ll just get my suit on and be on my way.”
“…Yeah, again, if it’s not too much trouble, perhaps you could dispense with putting the whole suit on, just to speed things along, for it is, and I feel this needs reiterating, a really big meteor travelling really fast.”
“Of course, I get you. No bow tie then,” Lincoln put his trousers on.
“Definitely no bow tie. I’m so glad you understand me. And perhaps, if it’s not too much to ask, no jacket, no waistcoat, and perhaps no shirt. Or shoes and socks. Pretty much how you are now, in fact, would be perfect.”
Lincoln sighed. “Oh, very well. But if I come down with a case of the sniffles, I’m going to take as many sick days as I’m allowed to get over it.”
“That seems fair. And again, greatly appreciated. Thank you.”
But the Commissioner’s words were wasted, as Abe had already flown up through the (thankfully) open skylight into the stars above, leaving the signal watch many thousands of miles below.
Once he’d reached a safe distance from Earth, to avoid any meteorites destroying hydroelectric dams or the like, Lincoln stood waiting for the giant meteor. It turned out the Commissioner had been exaggerating somewhat. The meteor was at most 1 and a half times as big as the Moon, and to describe its progress as rather rapid was overselling it a bit. ‘Pretty quickly’ would have been much more accurate.
Still, this just meant it would be easier to get rid of. As the meteor got closer and closer to our hero, Abe wound up his fist ready to lay into the icy rock. Closer it came…closer…closer…
KA-SHAMOOCH!
That, for those who don’t recognise it, is the sound of a meteor exploding upon coming into contact with a fist of justice. It is an overwhelming sound, to say the least.
Still, that took care of that. Pieces of the meteor flew everywhere, finding their path to nearby planets as they became nothing more than common meteorites. Another fine job well done, thought Lincoln, as obviously there was no way to talk to himself in the vacuum of space. Now to head back to that hot tub.
But before Lincoln could get away, he noticed something strange about the meteor. Although the majority of it had broken off, there was still a large collection of rock floating in front of him, in a strange oval shape. As he observed it, the rock slowly cracked open to reveal…well, Abe wasn’t sure what it was. A long, silver, fanged serpentine form came out of the newly-cracked meteor, slinking its way into a spiral shape before his very eyes. It opened its wide reptilian eyes and seemingly surveyed its surroundings, before finally it opened its mouth.
“I…am…free!”
Well folks, our hero doesn’t often make mistakes, but even I have to say that this was one big old folly he just took part in. Or, to put it another way, we do be screwed!
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