Lincoln dived at the mechanical crab, placing his Fist of Justice right into its mandibles. I used to know a girl called Mandy Bulls. Perhaps they're related. The punch seemed to have little effect though-the crab smacked Lincoln aside with a swipe of its claw. Abe crashed into the seabed, rose, and went in for a second attack. This time the crab grabbed him between its claw, clamping down and squeezing our railsplitting protagonist. Lincoln struggled against it with all his might, but the claws were just too powerful.
"Can't debate your way outta dis one, eh Lincoln?" Aqua Pone sneered. "My buddy here's gonna make ya like chopped sardines!"
It was no use-Lincoln had been underwater a long time, and the pressures of the sea were taking effect on his body. The effort needed just to wade around in such depths was sapping his last reserves of strength. If he couldn't escape the robo-crab's grip soon, he would be split in twain. Wait...twain! That was it! He'd been reading up on American literature since his resurrection, and there might just be a valuable lesson from Tom Sawyer that he could use in this situation.
"Go ahead, Aqua Pone," Lincoln smiled. "Keep squeezing away. This is great fun!"
"Huh?" the crime boss was so confused that his cigarette fell from his mouth and floated upwards to the surface. "Whatta ya talking about, ya palooka? How's dat meant to be fun?"
"Well I tell you, it's powerful fun. This claw's perfectly aligned with the layout of my spine. I'm getting quite the chiropractic treatment. It's fantastic!"
"Is dat so?" Aqua Pone considered the situation. "Well den, maybe I'll just let ya go!"
"Oh no, I insist. Keep squeezing!" Lincoln tried not to show the abject pain running down his back.
"Oh no, I ain't gonna help ya out!" Aqua Pone pressed the button to release the crab's hold. Lincoln took this opportunity to lunge at the crime boss, tossing him away from the control panel. The mechanical crab flumped sadly to the ground as Aqua Pone landed face first into a nearby bank.
"Attempting a bank robbery at a time like this?" Lincoln quipped, grabbing the prone Pone by the legs. "Looks like 30 years in the slammer should cool you off."
Spinning the incapacitated gangster around by the legs, Lincoln waited until he was quite dizzy before letting go, tossing the crime boss into a conveniently located nearby prison. The fish police's handcuffs were slapped on Aqua Pone's wrist before he even had time to snarl.
"You win dis round, Lincoln!" shouted the fishy fiend as he was herded off to a cell. "But ya ain't heard da last a' me, ya hear? I still got my sub out dere somewhere, and you're gonna hear from me, you just wait and seeeeee!"
"Speaking of sea," said the judge, in a nifty segue. "The entire ocean has you to thank, Mr. Lincoln, for finally putting an end to that maritime menace."
"Happy to do my part, your honour," Lincoln nodded. "The authorities can take it from here. Now if you'll excuse me, I haven't actually taken in any oxygen in hours. I'd better get to surface before oxygen deprivation makes my giraffes pedal to the pamplemousse! Blinking subwaaaaaaaaay!"
Thankfully our hero managed to make it back to the surface before he suffered any real brain damage. It seemed that for Mama Lincoln's boy, it was better to be above water than below it. And even though he was fairly sure Aqua Pone would make some massive jailbreak and come back to haunt him with that deadly submarine plot that went nowhere, he would find Abraham Lincoln waiting for him with a steaming bowl of tartar sauce. And a nice red wine. Or white. Whichever went with fish.
No comments:
Post a Comment