Abraham Lincoln was educating history students at Oxford University on how life was during the American Civil War, when he received a call on his signal watch.
"What's the emergency, Commissioner?" he asked.
"You may very well ask what the emergency is, Lincoln," replied the Commissioner. "I mean, this emergency is so bizarre, so off the wall, so incredibly offbeat that I barely know how to describe it."
"Well do try Commissioner, there's a good man," said Lincoln, picking up on how the locals spoke. And they do speak like that at Oxford. Don't even try to deny it, I won't listen.
"Well let me start by saying that I'm in River City, and we're experiencing something so incredibly unbelievable that I can't even believe it myself, despite the fact that I'm right here looking at it. To put it simply, we've got trouble."
"Trouble?"
"Yes, right here in River City. With a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for pool. Specifically, it stands for the dreaded pool creatures that are plaguing this fair town."
"Pool creatures? You mean like when you find an opossum in your swimming pool?"
"No Lincoln, I'm talking about balls!"
"Commissioner!"
"Well it's true! Pool balls! Running around like they own the place. And if that weren't bad enough, there's gang warfare breaking out! The full colour balls are attacking the striped balls. They're knocking into each other and smacking themselves around town. The property damage is immense! You've got to do something, Lincoln!"
"And do something I shall. I'll be there momentarily. Lincoln out," Lincoln turned to the students. "Sorry young friends, but I'm afraid I'll have to finish my amusing cholera story another time. Duty calls. Lincoln away!"
Lincoln shot off into the sky, taking out most of the roof with him. The Professor of History tutted. "One of these days we'll have a guest speaker who doesn't cause large holes in the ceiling," he said, though little did he know he was very, very wrong.
Lincoln flew all the way to River City, where from the sky he surveyed the situation. It was just as the Commissioner had described. Coloured ball fought against striped ball for supremacy, with neither side caring who got caught in their wrath. Lampposts, smashed windows, litter bins...the entire town was in disarray, with people fleeing in terror from the rounded menaces. It was time to put an end to this game of pool.
Abe swooped down into the middle of the fracas. "Alright, listen up ball boys!" he shouted, grabbing the attention of the warring spheres. "This is your first and last warning. Get back to wherever it is you came from, and leave this town in peace."
"Or what?" asked the number 2 ball.
"Or I'll be forced to really knock you around the table," Lincoln cracked his knuckles.
The 13 ball laughed. "Get a load of the us on this guy!"
"Yeah, you bearded bigshot," sneered the 4 ball, as well as an object without a mouth can sneer. "You really think you can take us all on?"
"Come on, boys," said the 11 ball. "What do you say we team up and do to this guy what we did to Cue."
"Cue?" Lincoln raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, good old Cue Ball," the 7 ball nodded, which just made it look like it was rolling up and down. "We got tired of him always smacking us around. So we 86'd him."
"We did?" asked the 8 and 6 balls.
"It's a figure of speech," 7 explained.
"Oh, good one," said 6 sycophantically, as he had always been afraid of 7.
"Well I say we do it again to this guy," ball 1 rolled from side to side in anger. "Bring it on, you top-hatted tool!"
"It's...a...stovepipe!" Lincoln exclaimed, angrily getting vengeance on the one who dared mock Stovey. He smacked the 1 ball right into the road, causing tarmac to fly into the air. Hmmm. It seemed he'd have to be more careful here. If he went round smacking these balls too hard, then he's be just as bad as the balls he was trying to stop. And if there's one thing Abe Lincoln stood for, it was not being a hypocrite.
Yet, as he was rammed in the back by the 3 and 11 balls, how was he to defend himself? The balls were designed to be knocked about, and there were no safe places to hit them into. He tried pulling punches, which seemed to work out. The balls only went back a little bit, minimising the damage caused. But it was going to take a long time to wear these boys down, and they had the numerical advantage.
"Lincoln, just keep them distracted a little longer," said the Commissioner from the signal watch. "We're setting up some nets around your immediate area. If you hit the balls into the nets, it should stop them from continuing."
"Alright Commissioner, whatever you say," Abe said, secretly doubting the wisdom of his friend's words.
"Hey, at least try to make it interesting, beardy," laughed the 15 ball, as Lincoln allowed himself to be beaten up. "Cue was harder to take out than you, and he was a pushover."
"Just keep laughing, ball," Abe frowned, giving him a light tap that was still enough to send him flying. "We'll see who laughs last."
"Nets are in position, Lincoln," said the Commissioner. Abe turned and noticed that 6 nets had been placed around the fighting balls, evenly spaced out in a nice rectangular formation. "Try smacking them into them!"
"Ok, old chum," Lincoln shrugged, and launched his Fist of Justice into the nearby 4 ball. Not expecting such a mighty attack, the ball was taken by surprise and flew at full speed into the net, where it shrunk back into an ordinary sized ball.
"Hey, we'd better step up our game!" said the 2 ball, as they now realised they no longer had the advantage. As one, they rushed Lincoln, hoping to smother him. It was fruitless though-our bearded crusader spun a mighty blow that blasted balls 3, 7 and 13 back into the nets, shrinking down to size. He was winning, but slowly. And the remaining balls were still getting in their punches.
"Lincoln, listen to me!" said the Commissioner. "Take on the 8 ball next!"
"Roger, Commissioner," said Lincoln, now having a lot more faith in his old friend's ideas. He charged straight into the 8 ball and carried him into the nearest net, causing it to return to its usual side.
"Oh...he got the 8 ball," said the 11 ball dejectedly.
The balls all looked at each other, then slowly walked towards the nets.
"Hey, what's wrong, balls?" asked Lincoln, confused. "Don't you want to fight any more?"
"What's the point, man?" replied the 14 ball. "You knocked out the 8 ball. Game over."
"Huh," said Lincoln, as the balls returned to their usual size. It made sense, in a way-if the 8 ball went in before the other balls, it was generally recognised as the end of the game, with the offending party losing. So in a way he'd actually lost just now, but in a way that helped him win. To lose was to win, and he who wins shall lose. It was too confusing to think about, so he stopped thinking about it.
"Nice work, Lincoln," said the Commissioner, catching up to Abe.
"I should be saying that to you old chum, only with your name instead of mine. How did you know about the nets and the 8 ball?"
"Well, I have to admit, I had a little help. Say hello to our informer, Cue Ball."
"Cue Ball?!" Lincoln gasped, as the large white ball presented himself. "But I thought you had been...you know..."
"Taken care of?" Cue Ball chuckled. "Any pool player knows that if you take the cue ball out, it reappears at the other end of the table. I bided my time, noticed your friend here and offered my assistance. Although I think I'd better join my brothers. They're not bad balls, really. They just like a good knockabout, that's all."
"Thank you again, Mr. Ball," Lincoln smiled, as Cue Ball jumped into a nearby net.
"Well Lincoln, another job well done," said the Commissioner, after ordering a WIPE agent to pick up the pieces of the pool game. "But what do you think turned these ordinary pool balls into large sentient ones?"
"I don't know, Commissioner. But I hope to find out."
Will Lincoln find out? Will this mystery be solved? I'm not saying! The only way you'll know for sure is to keep reading the Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln. That, my friends, is how you build up a readership. Keep them guessing. Leave them wanting more. Hopefully don't leave them wanting a better story to follow, because otherwise you'd had it. I've not had it, have I? Stay tuned to find out!
No comments:
Post a Comment