Abraham Lincoln was helping a family of hedgehogs cross the road when he got a call on the Signal Watch.
"What's the emergency, Commissioner?"
"Trouble in Skyscraper City, Lincoln," said the Commissioner.
"Skyscraper City?" Lincoln was surprised. He'd never heard of such a place.
"Yes, I'm not surprised you're surprised," the Commissioner continued, surprising Lincoln even more. "It's a new development they're trying out. You see, the problem with modern cities is that there's no good balance between residential and business areas. Businesses want more room to expand, and people want more property to own. So they decided they'd move all the business into its own city, where it could thrive and develop however it wanted."
"Sounds like a plan doomed from the start," Lincoln shrugged. "Is that the trouble? That it was a terrible idea? Because I don't think even my mighty powers could help out there."
"No Lincoln, while it is a terrible idea, that's not the emergency. No, the trouble is that there's a giant bowling ball heading right towards it."
"Now that is a trouble," Abe whistled, impressed. "And also something I could help with. But should I though? It seems to me we'd be better off just letting the bowling ball take its course and stop this whole foolish project before it takes off."
"But Lincoln, there are people in those buildings! Businessmen I know, but people none the less! You can't just let them get smooshed to death by a giant bowling ball. For one thing, think of how that would look on their gravestones. 'Here lies Businessman McGee, smooshed to death by a bowling ball because Abe Lincoln didn't like the town he was in.' Wouldn't look good for anyone."
"I highly doubt they'd get all that on one stone, old chum, but I take your point. I'll make sure that terrible town doesn't get squashed. Well, not totally squashed anyway. We'll see."
Lincoln switched off his watch and turned to the hedgehogs. "I'm sorry to do this to you Mrs. Hog, but I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere."
"Ah, t'is no bother, me boy, we all be done here anyway" said Mrs. Hog, as the last of her children crossed the road. "You go give that bowling ball a decent kick up the backside for me, ok?"
"I certainly will, Mrs. Hog. And I hope to see you soon for tea and scones. Now if you'll excuse me...Lincoln awaaaaaaaaaaay!"
Only an eyeless mole in space would have missed he sight of the giant bowling ball as it made its way towards Skyscraper City. Our eagle-eyed egalitarian found it easy enough, as he swooped down to fly alongside it. Sturdy, round, wooden...this was definitely a bowling ball all right. But how best to get rid of it?
Simple-slow it down. Though by no means slow, the ball wasn't particularly speedy either. Abe shot forward and positioned himself in the bowling ball's path. He readied himself to get a grip on the ball, planting himself firmly into the ground. The ball came closer...closer...closer still...
BAM!
The ball smacked into Lincoln, squashing him firmly beneath its immense weight as it continued on its journey. This had not been a particularly well thought out move on Abe's part. He reflected on this as he rose up to the top of the ball, high above the streets and houses, and then when he'd gone up as high as he could, he entered the inevitable downward phase of the journey. It was not a good phase.
Thinking back on it, this had been a pretty stupid plan. And now he was stuck. The pressure of being crushed had left him feeling pretty weak, and with each rotation he lost more and more strength. And at the back of his mind, he knew that eventually he would crash into Skyscraper City, where he would end it all in a really stupid way.
Well, no use crying over the situation. Better to face the end with dignity. And besides, there were worse ways to die. At least he was getting a good view from up here. A panoramic view, even. Admittedly about 90 degrees of it were dark and painful, but the other 270 were pretty neat. He got to see trees, and birds, and fields. It was rather pleasant. He especially liked the trail of mud that the bowling ball was leaving behind it, as the earth was upturned by the spinning. It reminded him of when he was a boy, helping his father plough the fields.
Wait a second...that was it! A flash of inspiration hit Lincoln more firmly than a speeding train crashing into a brick wall. I'm sorry, that was slightly insensitive. I thoroughly apologise if that offended you in any way. Summoning all of his Lincoln powers, Abe tapped into his last reserves of strength and tore away from the spherical menace. Free once more, he turned to face the bowling ball, and was met with a ghastly sight. Skyscraper City was only a few miles away, the sight of skyscrapers arranged in a triangular fashion filling our hero with a sense of dread and disbelief. Why would they do that? That's just asking for a giant bowling ball to crash into it.
Zooming faster than a duck with a jetpack, Lincoln plunged into the ground afore the ball, scraping and shovelling as fast as he could to create a wide trench, which the bowling ball rolled into. He tore at the ground ahead, chucking aside earth and mud like some kind of super digging machine, the ball closely following behind. Lincoln dug a trench all the way around Skyscraper City, giving it a wide berth from the touch of the bowling ball, and finished his digging on a nearby beach. Abe flew away as the bowling ball went safely into the drink, where it would sink to the ocean floor and bother no one, except maybe those fish people from a previous adventure, but that seemed unlikely.
"All clear here, Commissioner," said Lincoln into his Signal Watch. "Luckily for us, whoever threw that thing didn't count on getting a gutterball."
"But dang it Lincoln, who could have thrown it in the first place?" asked the Commissioner. "Some kind of giant bowler? Could we be dealing with a mutated Walter Ray Williams?"
"I'm not even sure who that is, old chum, but I think we can rule him out. I'm not sure what sent that ball off on its merry way, but I certainly intend to find out!"
More ball shenanigans! Coincidence, or conspiracy? I hope its the latter. If it's the former it means that we're just on some kind of ball love rampage this week. Tune in next time and maybe you'll get a decent conclusion!
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