The Awesome Adventures of Abraham Lincoln-Outlaws of the Ocean, Part 6

One of the many differences between the world under the sea and the world on dry land is that it's remarkably easy to set up a trial. And so it was only a few hours before the underwater trial of the century began. Quite honestly, Lincoln was a little upset by the quickness. He'd expected time to be able to put a case together, but since leaving Aqua Pone's office, he'd only been able to find a few documents that had been at the bottom of the bins outside the speakeasy. Not much to go on at the best of times, especially when he was up against a jury that he had a nasty feeling had been bribed. Something about 12 people all wearing fancy new diamond watches and necklaces always made him suspect foul play.

Still, judge and jury were sat ready and waiting, so all that remained was to make his opening statement. Time to turn on the old Lincoln charm.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I admit I'm just a simple country boy, not up on your fine city ways. And it's true, I'm more comfortable on the defence table than the prosecutor's. Heck, I wish I was there right now, given how stacked against me this case is. But I aim to do everything I can to show you fine people that the defendant, Mr. Pone there...well folks, he's just not a nice man. Just really a bad person. Gosh, the things he's done...but all I ask is that you hear me out, and keep an open mind, and don't let fear or nerves or fancy new jewellery sway your opinion. Thank you."

Given how little evidence he had to go on, his best hope was that he could charm the jury into pleading guilty because they felt sorry for the poor prosecutor. Lincoln took a quick look at the jurors as the defense attorney took his place. They did look a little sympathetic towards him.

"Ladies and gentleman of the jury," the attorney began. "I ask you one question, and one question only. Does my client look like the kind of guy who'd commit a crime?"

The jury murmured loudly that, of course, such a respectful businessman would never commit a crime, and he looked very honest indeed, and who has this human who came down here and started causing trouble? 

"I rest my case," the attorney grinned, as Aqua Pone shot Lincoln with a vile sneer.

It was a fairly short trial, all in all. The defence saw no need to make any effort, no one had come forward to be a witness against the alleged notorious crime boss, and all Lincoln could really do was try and convince the jury that his stories were true. Even if they hadn't been bought off, he doubted they would have believed him. Without a single shred of evidence, he had no way of proving that anything he'd said wasn't just slander against a respectable business man. He'd even tried to bring up the speakeasy, but apparently that was perfectly legal in this subaquatic community.

"Well, it seems you don't really have a legal leg to stand on," said the judge, and harsh though he may be, Lincoln couldn't blame him. Even if he wasn't feeling woozy from not having a proper lungful of air for a while, there didn't seem to be any way to win this battle. Frantically, desperately, he rummaged through the documents he'd found in the bin. Maybe he could at least charge him with a misdemeanor of littering or something.

"What say you, Mr. Lincoln?" asked the judge, as Lincoln scoured through the forms. "Have you any closing remarks before I ask the jury to make their verdict?"

Abe looked at the papers as if for the first time. There it was. The answer had been there all along, in this rubbish.

"Just one, your honour," he smiled, holding up the documents. "I'd like to submit this evidence to the court. These are tax forms, your honour. Tax forms -that were meant to be filed this year. I found these tax forms in the waste container outside Mr. Pone's speakeasy. Your honour, I believe this proves that Mr. Pone has not paid his taxes this year."

"Yeah, so?" Aqua Pone chuckled. "No, I didn't pay my taxes. I never pay my taxes. I got half the government in my pocket, why should I pay any taxes? It's not a crime, is it?"

"Um, actually," the judge coughed. "It is indeed a crime, Mr. Pone. One that it seems you've just admitted to. So therefore, I'm afraid I don't have any choice but to...."

"Now hold your freakin' horses there, judgey!" Pone angrily rose to his webbed feet. "You're gonna try to convict me of tax evasion? After all the bad stuff I've done, all the rackets, the bootlegging, the bribing, the murderers, the ship sinking...you're gonna put me down for tax evasion? That ain't how it's going down, see? I ain't being put in jail because I didn't pay my stinking taxes!"

"Well, not now you're not," said the judge. "I mean, there's all those other crimes you just confessed to."

"Oh boo hoo hoo! Yeah, I'm a criminal, see? I'm the most notorious gangster in the seven seas, see? And I'm sick and tired of all this legal jazz now. I shoulda just done this in the first place."

He took out a mobile phone and dialled a number quickly.

"Alright boys, let 'er loose!" he called down the phone. "See ya, suckers!" he shouted as he ran from the courtroom.

"Stop that criminal!" shouted the judge after him.

"Don't worry your honour, I'm on the case!" cried Lincoln, charging after the fishy crime boss. Once he left the courtroom however, he was stunned to see Aqua Pone riding on the back of a giant mechanical crab.

"Surprised, Mr. Lawyer?" Pone screamed manically. "Let's see if ya can find a technicality to stop this beast!"

Well Lincoln fans, looks like Lincoln's swapped his legal battle for a physical battle. Which is probably for the best. That was the worst write up of a trial in history. Maybe that's why it's the trial of the century. Because it was so poor. Well, maybe the next one will be better. Besides, who wants legal issues when there are giant robot crabs to fight?! I think I know which one I'd prefer.